Fic: God Help the Outcasts
Title: God Help the Outcasts
Disclaimer: I don't own em,if I did it would probably have to be on another channel.
Rating: R-ish
Warnings: Language, talk of religion/lack of beliefs, angst
Characters: Kurt, Emma, Mr. Schue, Burt, Puck, Mercedes, mentions of the glee club.
Word count: 4,414
Spoilers: Mostly for 2x03
Summary: Kurt just needed a little faith.
A/N: Errr, originally this suppose to be written to calm myself down after seeing the promo for next weeks Glee (2x03)It kinda got a mind of it's own though, and became this...I don't even know.
When Emma had found out the distressing news, she immediately hurried down to Will’s office, he should probably be there when she broke the news, and she really needed to just say it once before she said anything else. She was a guidance counselor; it wouldn’t do anyone any good for her to just blurt things out thoughtlessly. Will looked mildly startled when his door was more or less thrown open and Emma gasped for air watching him wild eyed.
“Burt Hummel had a heart attack!” And now that she has just blurted it out, she should be able to actually say it to Kurt without sounding absolutely tactless. Will was on his feet instantly, and the pair quickly made their way towards the class that they knew Kurt was currently residing in. When she called him out, and asked him to bring his things, she watched as something settled in his face. As if he knew something was seriously wrong already.
“What happened, is it my dad?”
“I’m sorry to say that it is.” Emma told him gently, watching as panic fled fleetingly across Kurt’s face. “We’re going to take you to the hospital now; they wouldn’t tell me anything over the phone.” Emma told him gently and Will watched in concern.
“I told him to get checked out.” Kurt mumbled, folding his arms over his chest protectively. “For weeks I’ve asked him to go to the doctor, he hadn’t been feeling well, and he kept putting it off.” Kurt flinched away when Will attempted to comfort him. They led him to Will’s car, and once they were all seated, Will began the trek to the hospital. Emma has taken the backseat with Kurt, and she was gently trying to get him talking, trying to sooth his mind. It didn’t seem to be working.
Once they got to the hospital, they were shown to awaiting room and Kurt paced before sinking into the closest chair. His phone was lighting up with texts, but he ignored them. He couldn’t be bothered with them at the moment. When a doctor finally arrived, he stood and Emma and Will join him. The doctor looked grim and Kurt ended up saying what he’s thinking.
“Is he dead?” Both Will and Emma are worried that the answer might be yes, and Kurt looked like he was just barely holding it together as it was. Will was terrified of what would happen if they answer was yes.
“No son, your father isn’t dead.” The doctor said, trying to offer a calming smile. “But he’s not out of the woods. We aren’t exactly sure what damage has been done yet. When your father was found he wasn’t breathing, and we aren’t sure how long his brain had gone without oxygen. We also aren’t sure if a bypass is going to be needed yet or not.”
“Can I see him?”
“Of course.” Kurt went with the doctor without even looking back. He disappeared behind the curtain, before taking in the scene before him. Somehow, his dad just looked wrong without his ball cap. Kurt swallowed thickly, trying to get some sort of vocal movement going. Finally, he just slid his hand into his fathers.
“Dad if you can hear me, squeeze my hand.” There was no response. Kurt sunk into the chair by the bed, but didn’t release his hold. “Dad, please.” His throat closed off then, and no more words were spoken, he just had a constant stream of thought running through his head.
Please wake up, be ok, I need you, please come back, don’t go, whatever happens, please don’t go.
He didn’t know how long he sat there, before an older nurse, with a kindly face told him that he was going to have to go now, they were taking his father for tests. He was left standing there alone while they wheeled his dad away. Will and Emma approach slowly, unsure of how to handle the situation. Kurt looked at them, both looking at him with such worry and pity. He remembers that look all to well. Everyone had sported that look when his mom died.
Kurt didn’t even know he’d made that strangled sound until Mr. Schue was grabbing his shoulder and squeezing gently. Emma looked like she wanted to do something drastic, like hug him or something, and finally Kurt broke free of his teachers hold and quickly made his way down the hall. Emma quietly, hesitantly, said she’s going to go back to the school, tell the glee kids what’s going on.
Will appreciated it. He knew logically it should be her who stayed, but Will realized that this explained a lot about Kurt’s behavior for the past few weeks. If he was worried about his dad, he could have been lashing out at them due to stress or he could have been buckling under the pressure and they never would have known. Something about that made something heavy settle in Will’s stomach and he began his search for his student.
***********
Finn had been having a really good day. His grilled cheesus, seemed to be the start of a lot of good for him. Oh sure he had been a little worried about Kurt, after the whole he didn’t believe in god thing, but he figured Kurt would come around. So he barely paid any attention to the whispers in the hall, he heard Kurt’s name come up once or twice, but that wasn’t anything unusual, there were normally rumors about Kurt. He saw no real reason to investigate it further.
Not until he got to Glee anyways.
“Where’s Mr. Schue?” Finn asked, as the glee club shuffled into their seats.
“And Kurt?” Artie asked.
“Well, they’re probably together if they’re both missing.” Rachel said with a shrug.
“I don’t think so, Ms. P pulled Kurt out of fourth, and he hasn’t answered any of my texts.” Mercedes said worry clear on her face. Something was wrong; her boy wouldn’t just leave her hanging like that. It wasn’t until five minutes after glee was supposed to have started that they began to get restless and wonder just what happened to delay Mr. Schue. When Emma appeared in the doorway however, they knew something was wrong.
“Hi kids,” She said gently, taking a seat at the front of the room. “So, I’m not sure how else to say this. Mr. Schuester is with Kurt, they’re down at the hospital.” There were a few startled upset exclamations over this. “Unfortunately, Kurt’s dad had a heart attack this afternoon.”
“Burt had a heart attack?” Finn echoed blankly and Mercedes started crying.
“Is he ok?” Artie asked his voice carefully neutral.
“We aren’t sure yet. It was pretty serious. We wanted you kids to know, but don’t overwhelm them. Let Kurt come to you alright?”
There’s grumbling from the others, because none of that sounded ok. They didn’t want to just sit around they wanted to help. That’s what they did for each other, they helped. Looks were being exchanged with varying amounts of concern and Puck and Santana seemed to be having some sort of silent argument with each other. Finally, Santana raised her eyes to Emma.
“No offense Ms. P, but that’s bullshit. Kurt’s dad is his only family other than us, and if we’re being kept away that means he’s alone. That’s not cool; you can’t ask us to stay away. Yeah, it’s probably not a good idea to send all of us down there, but let Mercedes go at least.”
“I know you kids are upset, but Mr. Schuester is with him.” Emma tried to assure them.
“Mr. Schue is great and all, but he and Kurt don’t have the greatest relationship. I don’t really see how much help he could be.” Santana said, crossing her arms.
“Or let Finn go.” Mercedes said, though it killed her to do so. “His mom and Kurt’s dad had a thing for a while, she would probably want to know, and they could go down there.”
“I can’t stop you kids from going down there.” Emma conceded. “But just remember that Kurt’s understandably upset, he’s raw and scared and he isn’t going to want to answer a million questions or try and pretend he’s ok.”
“Except he would.” Artie said flatly. “That’s Kurt’ MO, he’s always ok, or at least that’s what he’ll assure you of. Something’s been bugging him for the past few weeks, he’s been off.” But no one had really asked him about it. Even if they had, Kurt would have assured them he was fine and changed the subject.
“How about a compromise?” Quinn asked, and Emma glanced at her.
“Finn can tell his mom about what happened, and he can text us if she lets him go to see him. If he does, then we’ll wait until tomorrow to hear about how they are doing. If his mom doesn’t take him, Mercedes can go down there. Does that sound ok?”
Emma realized there was no way she could stop them. At least one of them was going down there, because as Santana had put it, Kurt was part of the little family they’ve created, and he was going to need them in the time to come. He just needed some time to deal with it himself before he could be subjected to his friends. Still, she nodded her consent, because what more could she do?
***********
The first place he checked for his student was the cafeteria, he doubted he’d be there, but he had to check. The last place he checked was the church, because he could remember all too vividly the uproar the other kids made when Kurt had admitted he didn’t really believe in god. Mercedes had almost immediately informed him he was going to church with her, and Finn started back in on his ridiculous grilled cheesus. He pushed open the doors and easily made Kurt out. The chapel was small and Kurt was the only person there, hands folded and wrists resting on the pew in front of him. Will was silent on his approach and realized Kurt was talking out loud.
“I don’t know if you’re there.” He said hesitantly, and Will thought he should leave, but his feet seem rooted to the spot. “I don’t really know if I believe in you. Not after everything, but I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt…I just…I really need you to not take my dad. You already took my mom, please don’t take him too. I need him, he‘s all I have.” A sob broke in his throat and Will found he had the ability to move again. Only instead of leaving, he slid into the seat next to Kurt, who didn’t seem to notice.
“Please don’t take him. I’m sorry, I’m sorry for everything I’ve ever done. Any sin that may have committed, I’m sorry I’m me, I’m sorry for everything, but if you have to punish someone, punish me. Don’t punish my dad for this, it’s not his fault.” Kurt’s head ducked a little, but Will could still see the tears on his cheeks.
“I’ve been told that you never put more on someone than they can handle. If that’s true, you’ve really overestimated how strong I am. I can’t handle this, I can’t. I was just barely strong enough to survive the loss of my mother; I won’t be able to survive the loss of my father too. I’m told you’re merciful, yet I’ve been shown little mercy. But if you’re there, if you’re listening, show him some.” Kurt’s breathing was hitched with sobs.
“Please...”
And that does it for Will; he can’t just sit there anymore. Kurt’s just a kid, a kid whose father, his only remaining family member, was laid up in a hospital bed and they weren’t sure if he was going to make it. That was hard on anyone, let alone a sixteen year old who had suffered the loss of one parent already. He pulled Kurt to him in a side hug, and this time Kurt didn’t flinch away from it.
“I’m sorry.” Kurt murmured as he slid bonelessly against Will, and tucked his face against his shoulder. Will made vague comforting shushing sounds, but all he could really do was hang out as the emotional storm released itself.
***********
While Carole and Burt were not currently dating, she still cared for him. So when she saw Kurt sitting in the waiting room looking so tiny and alone, with his red-rimmed eyes and blotchy face she couldn’t just stand there, she crossed over dropping into the seat next to him and hugging him to her tightly. Kurt didn’t speak, but his hands made their way up to hold onto her forearm gently. She murmured to him a little before Finn stumbled in. He took one look at the scene and nearly tripped on himself trying to get to them. Before his mom could actually stop him, Finn had yanked Kurt away and up out of his chair, crushing him against his chest in an awkward hug.
“Dude, I’m so sorry. What can I do?”
“Let me go…” Kurt’s muffled voice suggested and Finn quickly released him.
“Sorry, I’m sorry.”
“What are you guys doing here?” Kurt asked, making a halfhearted attempt to look more presentable.
“Your guidance counselor told the kids what happened and Finn told me. We couldn’t just leave you here. I’m sure your teacher is perfectly capable of looking out for you and everything, but…”
“Thank you Carole, you really didn’t have to do this.”
“Of course I did.” She said taking Kurt into her arms again. Mr. Schue reappeared then, holding two cups of something steaming. He moved to the vacated seat, placing both cups on the small table between the seats and made his way over.
“Hello Mrs. Hudson, Finn.”
“How is he?” Carole asked keeping her arms around Kurt while she did so.
“We don’t know, he’s still in tests.”
“He’s been in tests for hours.” Kurt murmured, once he was able to extract himself from Carole’s hold, he sank back down, thanking Will quietly when he pushed his cup into his hands. Finn immediately sat down next to Kurt and awkwardly tried to distract him from the situation at hand.
“What did the doctors say?” Carole asked.
“He wasn’t breathing when they found him; they aren’t sure how long he was down for. He hasn’t regained consciousness or anything yet.”
“And how’s Kurt?” She’s pretty sure she already has an answer to that. There’s no earthly way Kurt could be anywhere close to being ok. She glanced over to where Finn had more or less wrestled Kurt against his side, arm locked tight around the slighter boy, and she found some comfort in that.
“About how you would expect I suppose.” Will admitted. “He’s hanging in there for the most part. Had a break down earlier, but seems to have pulled himself back together since then. It’s hard to get a read on how he’s doing though, I can never really tell with Kurt.”
“Well, if you want you can head home. I’ll stay and keep an eye on him.”
“I think I’d like to stay for a little while longer.” Will admitted. “I’m not Burt Hummel’s biggest fan, and he’s certainly not mine, but we both care about Kurt, and I want to help, even if it’s just by sitting here and refilling his coffee.”
So the small group sat, until finally a nurse came to tell Kurt that he could see his dad. She informed the other three that it was family only at the moment, and Kurt insisted that they all go home and get some sleep, he was going to stay overnight in the hospital. They hesitated and protested, but eventually saw the three of them in the parking lot, Finn texting away, to Rachel Carole assumed.
“I’ll see you tomorrow Mr. Schue.” Finn mumbled as he headed towards the car. Will looked hesitant and Carole smiled.
“Don’t worry I’ll be here with Kurt.” With his mind more at ease, he headed out to the parking lot, suddenly realizing that Emma must have taken a cab back to the school, and he knew she must have nearly a fit about that. The germs that were probably in that backseat…
***********
Mercedes comes the next morning instead of going to school and Carole can’t seem to find it in her to turn her away. When Mercedes wraps her arms around her best friend and Kurt actually leans into it, pressing his face against her shoulder as he trembled with suppressed sobs, she knew she made the right decision in letting the girl stay.
“Oh baby, I’m so sorry.” Mercedes murmured, tightening her hold. “You just let us know what we can do for you, everyone just wants to help, even Puck.”
“I wish I knew what you could do. I’d take anyone’s help right now if it meant he’d just wake up.” Kurt admitted, voice muffled by Mercedes shoulder. She eventually released him and the pair sat down before Mercedes cast a critical eye over him.
“You look awful.” She informed him, it was blunt enough to startle a laugh out of Kurt. “Maybe we should get you out of here for a while.” She said and Kurt shook his head.
“I can’t leave. I have to be here when he wakes up.”
“Kurt, he’ll probably sleep for a while yet.” Carole told him gently. “I’ll stay with him.”
“No.” Kurt shook his head. “I…I really need to be here.”
“Ok, Ok.” Mercedes soothed. She sat with Kurt for the rest of the day, and once visiting hours are over, both she and Carole reluctantly left.
“Mrs. Hudson, Mr. Hummel will be ok won’t he?” Mercedes asked and Carole put her arm around the girl comfortingly.
“I sure hope so Mercedes.” Carole couldn’t tell her yes, as much as she wanted to. She couldn’t make Burt respond to Kurt any quicker. She couldn’t make everything ok, no matter how badly she wanted too. All she could do was try and be there when things got rough.
For the next few days, Finn, Carole, Will, Emma, and Mercedes were Kurt’s constant companions. It was a Thursday, and to his surprise, Puck showed up in their place. Though he was surprised, because he was pretty sure Puck didn’t even like him, he wasn’t going to turn him away. Honestly, the others keeping him company was probably the only thing that kept Kurt any kind of sane.
“I brought you something to eat.” Puck informed him. “Finn was saying how you never leave the room, so I figured you probably weren’t eating unless someone brought you something.”
“The nurses bring me soup or sandwiches sometimes.”
“Well this is better. My Ma heard about what happened, and she made you some food. It should feed you for about three days if the weight is anything to go by.”
“She really didn’t have to do that, I appreciate it, but she didn’t have to go though all that trouble.”
“I think she did, you look like you haven’t eaten in days. Do you like ever sleep?”
“Not really.” Kurt admitted. “I try but I just can’t. I start thinking about stuff and I’m trying to stay optimistic.”
“My sister was in the hospital a lot when she was little,” Puck said. “My mom said what got her through that time was visiting the chapel. I know you said that you don’t believe, but--”
“I’ve already been there. I was there the first day.” Kurt interrupted.
“Oh.” Puck said softly. Trying to fill the awkward void, he pulled the foil off the plate and handed it to Kurt as well as some utensils. “Eat, you‘re starting to look like one of those anorexic models from those stupid fashion shows you like. Your dad is going to have a fit when he wakes up and sees you like this.”
Kurt smiled slightly, he appreciated that Puck used when instead of if, but he did as he was told. It was good, he had to give Puck’s mother credit, she was a fantastic cook if this was anything to go by. Or maybe Kurt was just really hungry, he couldn’t really be sure. He ate part of it, offering some to Puck who declined, before wrapping it back up.
“Why are you here Puck? It’s not that I don’t appreciate it, I’m just surprised to see you is all.”
“Mr. Schue and Ms. P, as well as Finn’s mom seemed to think we needed to get back into a more normal habit, so Mr. Schue insisted on having a rehearsal today. I don’t know how productive they’re being, but I told him I had a dentist’s appointment, and my mom actually backed me up. We don’t like you here alone, and Santana is actually talking about coming to get you and literally dragging you out of here.”
“I can’t leave Puck. He hasn’t properly woken up yet. He opened his eyes once, but I don’t think he really saw anything and he didn’t respond to anything. I need to be here when he wakes up for real. I can’t be gone when that happens.”
“Ok, take it easy, I‘m pretty sure you could take Santana anyway.”
“Really? Because I’m not so sure you could take Santana.” Puck had to laugh at that. They settled into a slightly awkward silence before Kurt turned to keep watching his father. “What if he doesn’t wake up?”
“He will.”
“You don’t know that. He wasn’t breathing Puck. His brain could have been deprived of oxygen for to long, we don’t know. All I know is that I prayed for the first time in eight years. I never actually said I didn’t believe in god, I said I wasn’t sure if I did. We were religious once you know.”
Puck didn’t know, but he remained silent, for some reason Kurt was choosing to share with him, and he was just going to shut the hell up and let him talk, because if he was honest he was more than a little worried about him. Kurt had always been strong, but he was still just a kid, who’d already lost his mom and was now in the very real position of possibly loosing his dad too.
“We went to church every Sunday, then mom got sick. I prayed, and I prayed and I begged that she be spared. She wasn’t, I was told god needed her. We needed her too, I needed her.”
“Is that why you stopped going to church?”
“I didn’t stop going by choice really, I was asked to leave.” Kurt said and Puck froze. “Our minister pulled my father and I aside expressed his condolences for our loss and how the community would be far less giving without her, and then said he deeply regretted having to ask us not to return, he could not in good conscious support my sin.”
“Fuck, Kurt…”
“You know, I don’t think I cried. I remember my dad getting so upset, but he just took me home. I remember feeling guilty, but I never cried over it. I kept wondering, if god was suppose to be all merciful and forgiving, why were we being punished? We’re supposed to be made in god’s image, apparently I came out wrong.”
“The hell you did!” Puck hissed. “There isn’t anything wrong with you, fuck what other people say!”
“Up until recently you were one of those people.”
“I wasn’t, not really. I didn’t throw you in the trash or slushie you because you were gay. I did it because you were better than us, knew you were, and I wanted you to be just as low as the rest of us.” Kurt let out a harsh laugh.
“If you only knew.”
“You just have to have a little faith Kurt.” Puck told him gently and squeezed his shoulder.
“I’m trying to Puck, I really am.” Puck hung around until visiting hours were over; convincing Kurt to eat at least a little bit more. Kurt had some faith, but he was lacking enough of it, they could help pick up that extra faith.
***********
Kurt had spent the last few days occasionally praying quietly beside his father’s bed. He had opened his eyes a few more times, but he was never responsive. Finally, Kurt made his way back down to the chapel. He made his way down to the front and lit a candle, and took a seat at the front row.
“I don’t know if you can hear me, or if you’re even there.” He started again. “I don’t know if you’d even listen to the likes of me, but please. I know I’ve done this once already, but I’m trying to find faith, a reason to believe again. I just need a sign. Please, just send me some sort of sign.”
He sat for another several moments, just silent before he slowly stood up, cast one last glance at the candles that were dimly flickering and walked slowly out of the room. He went back to his father, slipping his hand into his again.
“Dad, if you can hear me, please just squeeze my hand.”
Kurt couldn’t help but let out a startled gasp when his fathers fingers tightened around his own. It was a little weak and short, but there. He repeated the action two more times, and Kurt sank into the closest chair relief overwhelming him to the point of weakness. The doctors came in, but Burt refused to release his hold on his son’s fingers.
“Thank you.” Kurt murmured aloud. He wasn’t sure whom he’s thanking. The doctors and nurses, his dad, god. All he knows is that he asked for a sign, a reason to believe and his dad finally responded to his desperate pleas for him to wake up. After an hour, the doctors had backed off and Burt was lucid enough to talk to Kurt a little, and if Kurt cried, they were tears of relief. He watched his dad sleep, just because he was tired and not because his body was recovering from a major trauma and smiled ever so slightly.
Maybe Puck had been right, maybe all Kurt had needed was a little faith.
Disclaimer: I don't own em,if I did it would probably have to be on another channel.
Rating: R-ish
Warnings: Language, talk of religion/lack of beliefs, angst
Characters: Kurt, Emma, Mr. Schue, Burt, Puck, Mercedes, mentions of the glee club.
Word count: 4,414
Spoilers: Mostly for 2x03
Summary: Kurt just needed a little faith.
A/N: Errr, originally this suppose to be written to calm myself down after seeing the promo for next weeks Glee (2x03)It kinda got a mind of it's own though, and became this...I don't even know.
When Emma had found out the distressing news, she immediately hurried down to Will’s office, he should probably be there when she broke the news, and she really needed to just say it once before she said anything else. She was a guidance counselor; it wouldn’t do anyone any good for her to just blurt things out thoughtlessly. Will looked mildly startled when his door was more or less thrown open and Emma gasped for air watching him wild eyed.
“Burt Hummel had a heart attack!” And now that she has just blurted it out, she should be able to actually say it to Kurt without sounding absolutely tactless. Will was on his feet instantly, and the pair quickly made their way towards the class that they knew Kurt was currently residing in. When she called him out, and asked him to bring his things, she watched as something settled in his face. As if he knew something was seriously wrong already.
“What happened, is it my dad?”
“I’m sorry to say that it is.” Emma told him gently, watching as panic fled fleetingly across Kurt’s face. “We’re going to take you to the hospital now; they wouldn’t tell me anything over the phone.” Emma told him gently and Will watched in concern.
“I told him to get checked out.” Kurt mumbled, folding his arms over his chest protectively. “For weeks I’ve asked him to go to the doctor, he hadn’t been feeling well, and he kept putting it off.” Kurt flinched away when Will attempted to comfort him. They led him to Will’s car, and once they were all seated, Will began the trek to the hospital. Emma has taken the backseat with Kurt, and she was gently trying to get him talking, trying to sooth his mind. It didn’t seem to be working.
Once they got to the hospital, they were shown to awaiting room and Kurt paced before sinking into the closest chair. His phone was lighting up with texts, but he ignored them. He couldn’t be bothered with them at the moment. When a doctor finally arrived, he stood and Emma and Will join him. The doctor looked grim and Kurt ended up saying what he’s thinking.
“Is he dead?” Both Will and Emma are worried that the answer might be yes, and Kurt looked like he was just barely holding it together as it was. Will was terrified of what would happen if they answer was yes.
“No son, your father isn’t dead.” The doctor said, trying to offer a calming smile. “But he’s not out of the woods. We aren’t exactly sure what damage has been done yet. When your father was found he wasn’t breathing, and we aren’t sure how long his brain had gone without oxygen. We also aren’t sure if a bypass is going to be needed yet or not.”
“Can I see him?”
“Of course.” Kurt went with the doctor without even looking back. He disappeared behind the curtain, before taking in the scene before him. Somehow, his dad just looked wrong without his ball cap. Kurt swallowed thickly, trying to get some sort of vocal movement going. Finally, he just slid his hand into his fathers.
“Dad if you can hear me, squeeze my hand.” There was no response. Kurt sunk into the chair by the bed, but didn’t release his hold. “Dad, please.” His throat closed off then, and no more words were spoken, he just had a constant stream of thought running through his head.
Please wake up, be ok, I need you, please come back, don’t go, whatever happens, please don’t go.
He didn’t know how long he sat there, before an older nurse, with a kindly face told him that he was going to have to go now, they were taking his father for tests. He was left standing there alone while they wheeled his dad away. Will and Emma approach slowly, unsure of how to handle the situation. Kurt looked at them, both looking at him with such worry and pity. He remembers that look all to well. Everyone had sported that look when his mom died.
Kurt didn’t even know he’d made that strangled sound until Mr. Schue was grabbing his shoulder and squeezing gently. Emma looked like she wanted to do something drastic, like hug him or something, and finally Kurt broke free of his teachers hold and quickly made his way down the hall. Emma quietly, hesitantly, said she’s going to go back to the school, tell the glee kids what’s going on.
Will appreciated it. He knew logically it should be her who stayed, but Will realized that this explained a lot about Kurt’s behavior for the past few weeks. If he was worried about his dad, he could have been lashing out at them due to stress or he could have been buckling under the pressure and they never would have known. Something about that made something heavy settle in Will’s stomach and he began his search for his student.
***********
Finn had been having a really good day. His grilled cheesus, seemed to be the start of a lot of good for him. Oh sure he had been a little worried about Kurt, after the whole he didn’t believe in god thing, but he figured Kurt would come around. So he barely paid any attention to the whispers in the hall, he heard Kurt’s name come up once or twice, but that wasn’t anything unusual, there were normally rumors about Kurt. He saw no real reason to investigate it further.
Not until he got to Glee anyways.
“Where’s Mr. Schue?” Finn asked, as the glee club shuffled into their seats.
“And Kurt?” Artie asked.
“Well, they’re probably together if they’re both missing.” Rachel said with a shrug.
“I don’t think so, Ms. P pulled Kurt out of fourth, and he hasn’t answered any of my texts.” Mercedes said worry clear on her face. Something was wrong; her boy wouldn’t just leave her hanging like that. It wasn’t until five minutes after glee was supposed to have started that they began to get restless and wonder just what happened to delay Mr. Schue. When Emma appeared in the doorway however, they knew something was wrong.
“Hi kids,” She said gently, taking a seat at the front of the room. “So, I’m not sure how else to say this. Mr. Schuester is with Kurt, they’re down at the hospital.” There were a few startled upset exclamations over this. “Unfortunately, Kurt’s dad had a heart attack this afternoon.”
“Burt had a heart attack?” Finn echoed blankly and Mercedes started crying.
“Is he ok?” Artie asked his voice carefully neutral.
“We aren’t sure yet. It was pretty serious. We wanted you kids to know, but don’t overwhelm them. Let Kurt come to you alright?”
There’s grumbling from the others, because none of that sounded ok. They didn’t want to just sit around they wanted to help. That’s what they did for each other, they helped. Looks were being exchanged with varying amounts of concern and Puck and Santana seemed to be having some sort of silent argument with each other. Finally, Santana raised her eyes to Emma.
“No offense Ms. P, but that’s bullshit. Kurt’s dad is his only family other than us, and if we’re being kept away that means he’s alone. That’s not cool; you can’t ask us to stay away. Yeah, it’s probably not a good idea to send all of us down there, but let Mercedes go at least.”
“I know you kids are upset, but Mr. Schuester is with him.” Emma tried to assure them.
“Mr. Schue is great and all, but he and Kurt don’t have the greatest relationship. I don’t really see how much help he could be.” Santana said, crossing her arms.
“Or let Finn go.” Mercedes said, though it killed her to do so. “His mom and Kurt’s dad had a thing for a while, she would probably want to know, and they could go down there.”
“I can’t stop you kids from going down there.” Emma conceded. “But just remember that Kurt’s understandably upset, he’s raw and scared and he isn’t going to want to answer a million questions or try and pretend he’s ok.”
“Except he would.” Artie said flatly. “That’s Kurt’ MO, he’s always ok, or at least that’s what he’ll assure you of. Something’s been bugging him for the past few weeks, he’s been off.” But no one had really asked him about it. Even if they had, Kurt would have assured them he was fine and changed the subject.
“How about a compromise?” Quinn asked, and Emma glanced at her.
“Finn can tell his mom about what happened, and he can text us if she lets him go to see him. If he does, then we’ll wait until tomorrow to hear about how they are doing. If his mom doesn’t take him, Mercedes can go down there. Does that sound ok?”
Emma realized there was no way she could stop them. At least one of them was going down there, because as Santana had put it, Kurt was part of the little family they’ve created, and he was going to need them in the time to come. He just needed some time to deal with it himself before he could be subjected to his friends. Still, she nodded her consent, because what more could she do?
***********
The first place he checked for his student was the cafeteria, he doubted he’d be there, but he had to check. The last place he checked was the church, because he could remember all too vividly the uproar the other kids made when Kurt had admitted he didn’t really believe in god. Mercedes had almost immediately informed him he was going to church with her, and Finn started back in on his ridiculous grilled cheesus. He pushed open the doors and easily made Kurt out. The chapel was small and Kurt was the only person there, hands folded and wrists resting on the pew in front of him. Will was silent on his approach and realized Kurt was talking out loud.
“I don’t know if you’re there.” He said hesitantly, and Will thought he should leave, but his feet seem rooted to the spot. “I don’t really know if I believe in you. Not after everything, but I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt…I just…I really need you to not take my dad. You already took my mom, please don’t take him too. I need him, he‘s all I have.” A sob broke in his throat and Will found he had the ability to move again. Only instead of leaving, he slid into the seat next to Kurt, who didn’t seem to notice.
“Please don’t take him. I’m sorry, I’m sorry for everything I’ve ever done. Any sin that may have committed, I’m sorry I’m me, I’m sorry for everything, but if you have to punish someone, punish me. Don’t punish my dad for this, it’s not his fault.” Kurt’s head ducked a little, but Will could still see the tears on his cheeks.
“I’ve been told that you never put more on someone than they can handle. If that’s true, you’ve really overestimated how strong I am. I can’t handle this, I can’t. I was just barely strong enough to survive the loss of my mother; I won’t be able to survive the loss of my father too. I’m told you’re merciful, yet I’ve been shown little mercy. But if you’re there, if you’re listening, show him some.” Kurt’s breathing was hitched with sobs.
“Please...”
And that does it for Will; he can’t just sit there anymore. Kurt’s just a kid, a kid whose father, his only remaining family member, was laid up in a hospital bed and they weren’t sure if he was going to make it. That was hard on anyone, let alone a sixteen year old who had suffered the loss of one parent already. He pulled Kurt to him in a side hug, and this time Kurt didn’t flinch away from it.
“I’m sorry.” Kurt murmured as he slid bonelessly against Will, and tucked his face against his shoulder. Will made vague comforting shushing sounds, but all he could really do was hang out as the emotional storm released itself.
***********
While Carole and Burt were not currently dating, she still cared for him. So when she saw Kurt sitting in the waiting room looking so tiny and alone, with his red-rimmed eyes and blotchy face she couldn’t just stand there, she crossed over dropping into the seat next to him and hugging him to her tightly. Kurt didn’t speak, but his hands made their way up to hold onto her forearm gently. She murmured to him a little before Finn stumbled in. He took one look at the scene and nearly tripped on himself trying to get to them. Before his mom could actually stop him, Finn had yanked Kurt away and up out of his chair, crushing him against his chest in an awkward hug.
“Dude, I’m so sorry. What can I do?”
“Let me go…” Kurt’s muffled voice suggested and Finn quickly released him.
“Sorry, I’m sorry.”
“What are you guys doing here?” Kurt asked, making a halfhearted attempt to look more presentable.
“Your guidance counselor told the kids what happened and Finn told me. We couldn’t just leave you here. I’m sure your teacher is perfectly capable of looking out for you and everything, but…”
“Thank you Carole, you really didn’t have to do this.”
“Of course I did.” She said taking Kurt into her arms again. Mr. Schue reappeared then, holding two cups of something steaming. He moved to the vacated seat, placing both cups on the small table between the seats and made his way over.
“Hello Mrs. Hudson, Finn.”
“How is he?” Carole asked keeping her arms around Kurt while she did so.
“We don’t know, he’s still in tests.”
“He’s been in tests for hours.” Kurt murmured, once he was able to extract himself from Carole’s hold, he sank back down, thanking Will quietly when he pushed his cup into his hands. Finn immediately sat down next to Kurt and awkwardly tried to distract him from the situation at hand.
“What did the doctors say?” Carole asked.
“He wasn’t breathing when they found him; they aren’t sure how long he was down for. He hasn’t regained consciousness or anything yet.”
“And how’s Kurt?” She’s pretty sure she already has an answer to that. There’s no earthly way Kurt could be anywhere close to being ok. She glanced over to where Finn had more or less wrestled Kurt against his side, arm locked tight around the slighter boy, and she found some comfort in that.
“About how you would expect I suppose.” Will admitted. “He’s hanging in there for the most part. Had a break down earlier, but seems to have pulled himself back together since then. It’s hard to get a read on how he’s doing though, I can never really tell with Kurt.”
“Well, if you want you can head home. I’ll stay and keep an eye on him.”
“I think I’d like to stay for a little while longer.” Will admitted. “I’m not Burt Hummel’s biggest fan, and he’s certainly not mine, but we both care about Kurt, and I want to help, even if it’s just by sitting here and refilling his coffee.”
So the small group sat, until finally a nurse came to tell Kurt that he could see his dad. She informed the other three that it was family only at the moment, and Kurt insisted that they all go home and get some sleep, he was going to stay overnight in the hospital. They hesitated and protested, but eventually saw the three of them in the parking lot, Finn texting away, to Rachel Carole assumed.
“I’ll see you tomorrow Mr. Schue.” Finn mumbled as he headed towards the car. Will looked hesitant and Carole smiled.
“Don’t worry I’ll be here with Kurt.” With his mind more at ease, he headed out to the parking lot, suddenly realizing that Emma must have taken a cab back to the school, and he knew she must have nearly a fit about that. The germs that were probably in that backseat…
***********
Mercedes comes the next morning instead of going to school and Carole can’t seem to find it in her to turn her away. When Mercedes wraps her arms around her best friend and Kurt actually leans into it, pressing his face against her shoulder as he trembled with suppressed sobs, she knew she made the right decision in letting the girl stay.
“Oh baby, I’m so sorry.” Mercedes murmured, tightening her hold. “You just let us know what we can do for you, everyone just wants to help, even Puck.”
“I wish I knew what you could do. I’d take anyone’s help right now if it meant he’d just wake up.” Kurt admitted, voice muffled by Mercedes shoulder. She eventually released him and the pair sat down before Mercedes cast a critical eye over him.
“You look awful.” She informed him, it was blunt enough to startle a laugh out of Kurt. “Maybe we should get you out of here for a while.” She said and Kurt shook his head.
“I can’t leave. I have to be here when he wakes up.”
“Kurt, he’ll probably sleep for a while yet.” Carole told him gently. “I’ll stay with him.”
“No.” Kurt shook his head. “I…I really need to be here.”
“Ok, Ok.” Mercedes soothed. She sat with Kurt for the rest of the day, and once visiting hours are over, both she and Carole reluctantly left.
“Mrs. Hudson, Mr. Hummel will be ok won’t he?” Mercedes asked and Carole put her arm around the girl comfortingly.
“I sure hope so Mercedes.” Carole couldn’t tell her yes, as much as she wanted to. She couldn’t make Burt respond to Kurt any quicker. She couldn’t make everything ok, no matter how badly she wanted too. All she could do was try and be there when things got rough.
For the next few days, Finn, Carole, Will, Emma, and Mercedes were Kurt’s constant companions. It was a Thursday, and to his surprise, Puck showed up in their place. Though he was surprised, because he was pretty sure Puck didn’t even like him, he wasn’t going to turn him away. Honestly, the others keeping him company was probably the only thing that kept Kurt any kind of sane.
“I brought you something to eat.” Puck informed him. “Finn was saying how you never leave the room, so I figured you probably weren’t eating unless someone brought you something.”
“The nurses bring me soup or sandwiches sometimes.”
“Well this is better. My Ma heard about what happened, and she made you some food. It should feed you for about three days if the weight is anything to go by.”
“She really didn’t have to do that, I appreciate it, but she didn’t have to go though all that trouble.”
“I think she did, you look like you haven’t eaten in days. Do you like ever sleep?”
“Not really.” Kurt admitted. “I try but I just can’t. I start thinking about stuff and I’m trying to stay optimistic.”
“My sister was in the hospital a lot when she was little,” Puck said. “My mom said what got her through that time was visiting the chapel. I know you said that you don’t believe, but--”
“I’ve already been there. I was there the first day.” Kurt interrupted.
“Oh.” Puck said softly. Trying to fill the awkward void, he pulled the foil off the plate and handed it to Kurt as well as some utensils. “Eat, you‘re starting to look like one of those anorexic models from those stupid fashion shows you like. Your dad is going to have a fit when he wakes up and sees you like this.”
Kurt smiled slightly, he appreciated that Puck used when instead of if, but he did as he was told. It was good, he had to give Puck’s mother credit, she was a fantastic cook if this was anything to go by. Or maybe Kurt was just really hungry, he couldn’t really be sure. He ate part of it, offering some to Puck who declined, before wrapping it back up.
“Why are you here Puck? It’s not that I don’t appreciate it, I’m just surprised to see you is all.”
“Mr. Schue and Ms. P, as well as Finn’s mom seemed to think we needed to get back into a more normal habit, so Mr. Schue insisted on having a rehearsal today. I don’t know how productive they’re being, but I told him I had a dentist’s appointment, and my mom actually backed me up. We don’t like you here alone, and Santana is actually talking about coming to get you and literally dragging you out of here.”
“I can’t leave Puck. He hasn’t properly woken up yet. He opened his eyes once, but I don’t think he really saw anything and he didn’t respond to anything. I need to be here when he wakes up for real. I can’t be gone when that happens.”
“Ok, take it easy, I‘m pretty sure you could take Santana anyway.”
“Really? Because I’m not so sure you could take Santana.” Puck had to laugh at that. They settled into a slightly awkward silence before Kurt turned to keep watching his father. “What if he doesn’t wake up?”
“He will.”
“You don’t know that. He wasn’t breathing Puck. His brain could have been deprived of oxygen for to long, we don’t know. All I know is that I prayed for the first time in eight years. I never actually said I didn’t believe in god, I said I wasn’t sure if I did. We were religious once you know.”
Puck didn’t know, but he remained silent, for some reason Kurt was choosing to share with him, and he was just going to shut the hell up and let him talk, because if he was honest he was more than a little worried about him. Kurt had always been strong, but he was still just a kid, who’d already lost his mom and was now in the very real position of possibly loosing his dad too.
“We went to church every Sunday, then mom got sick. I prayed, and I prayed and I begged that she be spared. She wasn’t, I was told god needed her. We needed her too, I needed her.”
“Is that why you stopped going to church?”
“I didn’t stop going by choice really, I was asked to leave.” Kurt said and Puck froze. “Our minister pulled my father and I aside expressed his condolences for our loss and how the community would be far less giving without her, and then said he deeply regretted having to ask us not to return, he could not in good conscious support my sin.”
“Fuck, Kurt…”
“You know, I don’t think I cried. I remember my dad getting so upset, but he just took me home. I remember feeling guilty, but I never cried over it. I kept wondering, if god was suppose to be all merciful and forgiving, why were we being punished? We’re supposed to be made in god’s image, apparently I came out wrong.”
“The hell you did!” Puck hissed. “There isn’t anything wrong with you, fuck what other people say!”
“Up until recently you were one of those people.”
“I wasn’t, not really. I didn’t throw you in the trash or slushie you because you were gay. I did it because you were better than us, knew you were, and I wanted you to be just as low as the rest of us.” Kurt let out a harsh laugh.
“If you only knew.”
“You just have to have a little faith Kurt.” Puck told him gently and squeezed his shoulder.
“I’m trying to Puck, I really am.” Puck hung around until visiting hours were over; convincing Kurt to eat at least a little bit more. Kurt had some faith, but he was lacking enough of it, they could help pick up that extra faith.
***********
Kurt had spent the last few days occasionally praying quietly beside his father’s bed. He had opened his eyes a few more times, but he was never responsive. Finally, Kurt made his way back down to the chapel. He made his way down to the front and lit a candle, and took a seat at the front row.
“I don’t know if you can hear me, or if you’re even there.” He started again. “I don’t know if you’d even listen to the likes of me, but please. I know I’ve done this once already, but I’m trying to find faith, a reason to believe again. I just need a sign. Please, just send me some sort of sign.”
He sat for another several moments, just silent before he slowly stood up, cast one last glance at the candles that were dimly flickering and walked slowly out of the room. He went back to his father, slipping his hand into his again.
“Dad, if you can hear me, please just squeeze my hand.”
Kurt couldn’t help but let out a startled gasp when his fathers fingers tightened around his own. It was a little weak and short, but there. He repeated the action two more times, and Kurt sank into the closest chair relief overwhelming him to the point of weakness. The doctors came in, but Burt refused to release his hold on his son’s fingers.
“Thank you.” Kurt murmured aloud. He wasn’t sure whom he’s thanking. The doctors and nurses, his dad, god. All he knows is that he asked for a sign, a reason to believe and his dad finally responded to his desperate pleas for him to wake up. After an hour, the doctors had backed off and Burt was lucid enough to talk to Kurt a little, and if Kurt cried, they were tears of relief. He watched his dad sleep, just because he was tired and not because his body was recovering from a major trauma and smiled ever so slightly.
Maybe Puck had been right, maybe all Kurt had needed was a little faith.