100th entry, a funny little thing that happened today, and a fic, wowie!
First of all this is one one hundredth journal entry, how cool am I?!
Ok, onto my funny little story.
So as I’m going to work this morning (At a little after six in the morning, gross) I’m flipping radio stations and for some unexplainable reason four or five stations were playing “You Found Me” by the fray, but each time I tuned in I caught the beginning “I found God…” and then I’d switch it, cause I’m kinda tired of that song. Well I finally get to work, and this is what I hear on the radio station I put on “You found me, you found me!”
So apparently, God was looking for me, but don’t worry, I found him. ;)
AND A FIC!
Title: In to Deep
Disclaimer: I don't own em, I if I did glee would probably have to be on a different channel.
Rating: PG-13-ish probably. Language isn't to bad, it isn't violent or anything either. I know, unusual. ;)
Spoilers: Wheels
Characters: Kurt, Will, and Santana at the end.
Warnings: Angst...oh the angst. Will gets verbally pwned.
Word count: 2,000 words exactly.
Summary: Will makes some assumptions about the defying gravity incident, and ends up finding out more than he can handle.
A/N: Written for my girl eyesarmslove for her birthday! I hope you like it sweetie!
After the defying gravity diva off, Mr. Schue kept his narrowed eyes on Kurt. He hadn’t choked, it wasn’t out of his range, the kid threw the competition. After all his complaining about wanting a chance, after what his father had gone through to get him the audition, Kurt had just thrown it out the window. Irritation rose in Will‘s chest. They went to a lot of trouble because of this, and the week could have been much more productive if Kurt had just bowed out earlier or let Rachel have it to begin with. Once glee was over, he motioned to Kurt.
“Kurt, a word before you go.” He watched as Mercedes hugged him. Not a one armed squeeze like she often gave him, but a full on comforting hug. He smiled at her, even if it was weak, and if Mr. Schue had been paying attention he would have noticed how upset he seemed. Instead, he shuffled over and twisted his hands into the shoulder strap of his bag.
“I’m really disappointed in you, Kurt.” Will started sighing, “Your dad went to a lot of trouble for you, and you just threw it away. You could have at least pretended to try. I know you can hit that note, I heard you do it before.” He shook his head, eyes on the sheet music he was organizing and not on Kurt, whose face had gone sheet white. “You could have saved us all some time and just conceded to Rachel if-”
“Are you serious?” Kurt suddenly blurted out, and when Will looked up, he was startled by what he saw. Kurt’s face was pale, but his eyes were furious. Far angrier than Will had ever seen and he nearly took a startled step back.
“Kurt-”
“No, no, I get to talk now.” Kurt said and Will wanted to protest, he was the adult, but Kurt was talking again before he could. “For someone who claims to care about his students, you sure don’t give a damn about me.” That stung, and Will felt it was rather unfounded; he cared about all his students.
“Kurt, that’s not fair, of course I-”
“Really?” Kurt said and the biting sarcasm was almost physically painful. “Because from where I’m standing it sure doesn’t feel like it, you‘ve turned a blind eye to me several times.”
“I have not; I care about all my students Kurt!”
“You don‘t think so? Well, let me ask you something, how many times have you stopped Puck from throwing me in the trash when you walk by? How many times have you seen hateful words spray painted on my locker and done nothing? How many times have you heard people call me horrible names in the hallway and remained absolutely silent? How many times have you seen one of the glee kids get hit with a slushie and just chalked it up to just being part of the high school experience? Do not presume to know anything about me. Yes, I threw the audition, but I had a damn good reason for it. Don’t assume I don’t care, because it kills me that I felt I had to.”
Will’s head was spinning, Kurt had just laid his cards on the table, and they had been a better hand than his own. He gaped at his student for a few moments, watching as Kurt’s hands clenched into fists and then relax, leaving little bloody half-moons in their wake. Will wanted to reach out and make him stop, because he’s hurting himself, but he refrained. Kurt’s teeth were grinding together in a way that makes Will’s ache in sympathy.
“Kurt, I never-”
“Of course not.” Kurt said, his chest felt so tight suddenly and he sucked in a deep breath. “The glee club does not consist of Finn and Rachel only. There are more of us who you ignore consistently to favor them. I’m extremely lucky my dad came to my defense, when you wouldn’t even listen. Glee has given me friends, and I love to sing, I’ll always love it here, but this is hardly a glee club. You may as well change the name from New Directions, to Finn, Rachel, and those people in the back.”
“Then tell me now, what was so horrible that you had to throw away an opportunity to take lead?” Will realized after the words were out of his mouth that it was said much harsher than he had originally intended, and he can’t help but flinch a little when Kurt raised his eyes to meet his. The anger renewed and Will braced himself.
“I am quite use to hateful slurs being thrown my way by now.” He told him flatly. “My father however, is not. Someone called my father and informed him his son was a fag.” And the way he says it makes Will flinch. He wants to tell Kurt not to refer to himself that way, but he can’t seem to get his mouth working. “He already knew this of course, but he was…he was so hurt. I just couldn’t do that to him. If I got up and sang that song, especially in front of a lot of people, it would only get worse.”
“Surely, you must have more faith in your father.” Will said before he could stop himself, and he sighed internally when Kurt’s face closed off.
“It’s not faith in him that I’m lacking.” Kurt’s reply was sharp, and Will recoiled slightly. “I’m the only one he has you know. He isn’t strong, not like my mother was. Not like I’ve been forced to be. It kills him that people will always hate me for something I can’t control. If anything should happen to me, I really am scared to think about what he might do.”
“Don‘t talk like that Kurt, high school won‘t last forever.”
“Do you really think that this continual harassment is limited to school?”
“What?”
“Honestly Mr. Schuester, you live in a world I’d like to visit sometime.” Will’s lips thinned in annoyance, but Kurt’s speaking again before he has a chance to say anything. “Three weeks ago someone threw a brick through our living room window with death threats on it.” Will started at that, annoyance draining away and replaced with horror. “I’ve had people refuse to shake my hand. I’ve had other kids parents tell their children they couldn‘t be friends with me, because they could catch my gay. These incidents were instigated by adults, people who by your standards, should know better.”
“Kurt,” and now Will did reach out for him, wanting to do something to take his students suffering away, even if it was just for a moment. “I-I’m so sorry. I had no idea things were so bad.”
“You knew what was going on in school though.” Kurt denied, flinching away from his hand. And Will knew that he had known. At least part of it, the dumpster tossing he hadn’t known about, though he felt foolish for not realizing it. Kurt had never looked particularly happy thinking back, and he and Puck would have been unlikely friends at best. He had seen Kurt cleaning his locker, trying to rid it of derogatory words on more than one occasion. He had heard some of the terrible names the jock population of the school tossed at Kurt, and he’d seen several of his students get hit with slushies.
“It is ok if you don’t like me you know.” Kurt said suddenly, softly and it makes Will look back at him sharply, surprised. “Just because you’re my teacher it doesn’t mean you have to like me.” Kurt’s not looking at him anymore, he’s studying his shoes and Will tried to ignore how damn young he suddenly looked.
“Kurt,” He began dismayed.
“You don’t have to like me,” Kurt continued, “But you do have to provide a safe learning environment, and you don’t.”
“I never meant to make you feel like I disliked you Kurt.” Will says, not sure how else to respond. “And I’m sorry that I didn’t help you when you needed it.”
“I think Ms. Pillsbury is worried.” Kurt told him and Will looked surprised. “She keeps giving me pamphlets about hotlines and support groups.”
“Why would she-”
“The suicide rate is substantially higher in gay teenagers.” Will was horrified. “Before you go give me a speech about how that isn’t the way or any other such nonsense, let me assure you I am not suicidal. I am tired of being treated like there’s something wrong with me. The public school system is supposed to have anti-bullying policies, but if we have any, they are being woefully unendorsed.”
“I don’t know what to say.” Will said at last, he wasn’t sure how they got to this point, but he was even less sure how they would ever get back to ok.
“You say your disappointed in me, and that’s ok, because I’m disappointed in you. You said you knew I could hit that note, but you didn’t ask me why I blew it. You just assumed I had no reason for it, that I was just toying with everyone. I suppose it’s good to know your opinion of me is so low.”
“That isn’t…” But Will trailed off, because that was exactly what he had done. He had just laid out the fact that he was disappointed because Kurt had blown it. It hadn’t even occurred to him that there might have been a reason for it.
“You know, I still voted for you.” Santana’s voice from the doorway startled them both, and Kurt cast an unreadable look over his shoulder. “Even though you messed it up at the end, your version was still sung better, more feeling or whatever.” She looked over the scene and Will can’t help but wonder just how much she’s heard. “Come on Hummel, Brittany wants to take you for ice cream or something.” She makes a hurry up motion with her hand and Kurt nods sharply before abruptly turning on his heels and heading towards the door.
“I’m sorry Kurt.” Will said, knowing there was nothing else he could say, he had failed Kurt badly. He had nothing to excuse his behavior. Kurt pauses briefly before continuing on, Santana ushered him through, before setting Will with an odd look.
“I see you now.”
“What?”
“I see you for who you really are, not who you try to project.”
“Santana,” He said tiredly, but she elaborated for him anyhow.
“You claim you care, but I’ve never seen you do anything to actually back that up. You want to be well liked, but you don’t do anything to earn it. It isn’t as if he’s asking you to fight his battles for him you know.” She thinks about it for a few moments. “I guess it doesn’t actually matter anymore anyhow. Brittany has a soft spot for Kurt. When he’s suffering so is she, and I simply cannot have that. So he can now be considered mine as well.” Santana would never actually admit it to anyone, but she actually enjoyed glee club, and she liked Kurt. The boy could dress for one thing, but he was also bitchy and sarcastic and she found him greatly amusing.
“Santana, it doesn’t work like that, you can‘t just claim someone as yours.”
“Of course I can.” Santana replied, waving her hand like he was inconsequential. “You do not need to worry about trying to look out for him. You should have done that from the start but you didn’t. It doesn’t matter now anyhow. You keep focusing on Rachel and Finn and you let the rest of us take care of each other.”
“Santana, that’s not-
“Yes, it really is. Don’t worry, I’ll watch after the ones who need it. I’ll do a much better job of it anyway.” She was gone before he can formulate a reply.
But he knew she was right.
Ok, onto my funny little story.
So as I’m going to work this morning (At a little after six in the morning, gross) I’m flipping radio stations and for some unexplainable reason four or five stations were playing “You Found Me” by the fray, but each time I tuned in I caught the beginning “I found God…” and then I’d switch it, cause I’m kinda tired of that song. Well I finally get to work, and this is what I hear on the radio station I put on “You found me, you found me!”
So apparently, God was looking for me, but don’t worry, I found him. ;)
AND A FIC!
Title: In to Deep
Disclaimer: I don't own em, I if I did glee would probably have to be on a different channel.
Rating: PG-13-ish probably. Language isn't to bad, it isn't violent or anything either. I know, unusual. ;)
Spoilers: Wheels
Characters: Kurt, Will, and Santana at the end.
Warnings: Angst...oh the angst. Will gets verbally pwned.
Word count: 2,000 words exactly.
Summary: Will makes some assumptions about the defying gravity incident, and ends up finding out more than he can handle.
A/N: Written for my girl eyesarmslove for her birthday! I hope you like it sweetie!
After the defying gravity diva off, Mr. Schue kept his narrowed eyes on Kurt. He hadn’t choked, it wasn’t out of his range, the kid threw the competition. After all his complaining about wanting a chance, after what his father had gone through to get him the audition, Kurt had just thrown it out the window. Irritation rose in Will‘s chest. They went to a lot of trouble because of this, and the week could have been much more productive if Kurt had just bowed out earlier or let Rachel have it to begin with. Once glee was over, he motioned to Kurt.
“Kurt, a word before you go.” He watched as Mercedes hugged him. Not a one armed squeeze like she often gave him, but a full on comforting hug. He smiled at her, even if it was weak, and if Mr. Schue had been paying attention he would have noticed how upset he seemed. Instead, he shuffled over and twisted his hands into the shoulder strap of his bag.
“I’m really disappointed in you, Kurt.” Will started sighing, “Your dad went to a lot of trouble for you, and you just threw it away. You could have at least pretended to try. I know you can hit that note, I heard you do it before.” He shook his head, eyes on the sheet music he was organizing and not on Kurt, whose face had gone sheet white. “You could have saved us all some time and just conceded to Rachel if-”
“Are you serious?” Kurt suddenly blurted out, and when Will looked up, he was startled by what he saw. Kurt’s face was pale, but his eyes were furious. Far angrier than Will had ever seen and he nearly took a startled step back.
“Kurt-”
“No, no, I get to talk now.” Kurt said and Will wanted to protest, he was the adult, but Kurt was talking again before he could. “For someone who claims to care about his students, you sure don’t give a damn about me.” That stung, and Will felt it was rather unfounded; he cared about all his students.
“Kurt, that’s not fair, of course I-”
“Really?” Kurt said and the biting sarcasm was almost physically painful. “Because from where I’m standing it sure doesn’t feel like it, you‘ve turned a blind eye to me several times.”
“I have not; I care about all my students Kurt!”
“You don‘t think so? Well, let me ask you something, how many times have you stopped Puck from throwing me in the trash when you walk by? How many times have you seen hateful words spray painted on my locker and done nothing? How many times have you heard people call me horrible names in the hallway and remained absolutely silent? How many times have you seen one of the glee kids get hit with a slushie and just chalked it up to just being part of the high school experience? Do not presume to know anything about me. Yes, I threw the audition, but I had a damn good reason for it. Don’t assume I don’t care, because it kills me that I felt I had to.”
Will’s head was spinning, Kurt had just laid his cards on the table, and they had been a better hand than his own. He gaped at his student for a few moments, watching as Kurt’s hands clenched into fists and then relax, leaving little bloody half-moons in their wake. Will wanted to reach out and make him stop, because he’s hurting himself, but he refrained. Kurt’s teeth were grinding together in a way that makes Will’s ache in sympathy.
“Kurt, I never-”
“Of course not.” Kurt said, his chest felt so tight suddenly and he sucked in a deep breath. “The glee club does not consist of Finn and Rachel only. There are more of us who you ignore consistently to favor them. I’m extremely lucky my dad came to my defense, when you wouldn’t even listen. Glee has given me friends, and I love to sing, I’ll always love it here, but this is hardly a glee club. You may as well change the name from New Directions, to Finn, Rachel, and those people in the back.”
“Then tell me now, what was so horrible that you had to throw away an opportunity to take lead?” Will realized after the words were out of his mouth that it was said much harsher than he had originally intended, and he can’t help but flinch a little when Kurt raised his eyes to meet his. The anger renewed and Will braced himself.
“I am quite use to hateful slurs being thrown my way by now.” He told him flatly. “My father however, is not. Someone called my father and informed him his son was a fag.” And the way he says it makes Will flinch. He wants to tell Kurt not to refer to himself that way, but he can’t seem to get his mouth working. “He already knew this of course, but he was…he was so hurt. I just couldn’t do that to him. If I got up and sang that song, especially in front of a lot of people, it would only get worse.”
“Surely, you must have more faith in your father.” Will said before he could stop himself, and he sighed internally when Kurt’s face closed off.
“It’s not faith in him that I’m lacking.” Kurt’s reply was sharp, and Will recoiled slightly. “I’m the only one he has you know. He isn’t strong, not like my mother was. Not like I’ve been forced to be. It kills him that people will always hate me for something I can’t control. If anything should happen to me, I really am scared to think about what he might do.”
“Don‘t talk like that Kurt, high school won‘t last forever.”
“Do you really think that this continual harassment is limited to school?”
“What?”
“Honestly Mr. Schuester, you live in a world I’d like to visit sometime.” Will’s lips thinned in annoyance, but Kurt’s speaking again before he has a chance to say anything. “Three weeks ago someone threw a brick through our living room window with death threats on it.” Will started at that, annoyance draining away and replaced with horror. “I’ve had people refuse to shake my hand. I’ve had other kids parents tell their children they couldn‘t be friends with me, because they could catch my gay. These incidents were instigated by adults, people who by your standards, should know better.”
“Kurt,” and now Will did reach out for him, wanting to do something to take his students suffering away, even if it was just for a moment. “I-I’m so sorry. I had no idea things were so bad.”
“You knew what was going on in school though.” Kurt denied, flinching away from his hand. And Will knew that he had known. At least part of it, the dumpster tossing he hadn’t known about, though he felt foolish for not realizing it. Kurt had never looked particularly happy thinking back, and he and Puck would have been unlikely friends at best. He had seen Kurt cleaning his locker, trying to rid it of derogatory words on more than one occasion. He had heard some of the terrible names the jock population of the school tossed at Kurt, and he’d seen several of his students get hit with slushies.
“It is ok if you don’t like me you know.” Kurt said suddenly, softly and it makes Will look back at him sharply, surprised. “Just because you’re my teacher it doesn’t mean you have to like me.” Kurt’s not looking at him anymore, he’s studying his shoes and Will tried to ignore how damn young he suddenly looked.
“Kurt,” He began dismayed.
“You don’t have to like me,” Kurt continued, “But you do have to provide a safe learning environment, and you don’t.”
“I never meant to make you feel like I disliked you Kurt.” Will says, not sure how else to respond. “And I’m sorry that I didn’t help you when you needed it.”
“I think Ms. Pillsbury is worried.” Kurt told him and Will looked surprised. “She keeps giving me pamphlets about hotlines and support groups.”
“Why would she-”
“The suicide rate is substantially higher in gay teenagers.” Will was horrified. “Before you go give me a speech about how that isn’t the way or any other such nonsense, let me assure you I am not suicidal. I am tired of being treated like there’s something wrong with me. The public school system is supposed to have anti-bullying policies, but if we have any, they are being woefully unendorsed.”
“I don’t know what to say.” Will said at last, he wasn’t sure how they got to this point, but he was even less sure how they would ever get back to ok.
“You say your disappointed in me, and that’s ok, because I’m disappointed in you. You said you knew I could hit that note, but you didn’t ask me why I blew it. You just assumed I had no reason for it, that I was just toying with everyone. I suppose it’s good to know your opinion of me is so low.”
“That isn’t…” But Will trailed off, because that was exactly what he had done. He had just laid out the fact that he was disappointed because Kurt had blown it. It hadn’t even occurred to him that there might have been a reason for it.
“You know, I still voted for you.” Santana’s voice from the doorway startled them both, and Kurt cast an unreadable look over his shoulder. “Even though you messed it up at the end, your version was still sung better, more feeling or whatever.” She looked over the scene and Will can’t help but wonder just how much she’s heard. “Come on Hummel, Brittany wants to take you for ice cream or something.” She makes a hurry up motion with her hand and Kurt nods sharply before abruptly turning on his heels and heading towards the door.
“I’m sorry Kurt.” Will said, knowing there was nothing else he could say, he had failed Kurt badly. He had nothing to excuse his behavior. Kurt pauses briefly before continuing on, Santana ushered him through, before setting Will with an odd look.
“I see you now.”
“What?”
“I see you for who you really are, not who you try to project.”
“Santana,” He said tiredly, but she elaborated for him anyhow.
“You claim you care, but I’ve never seen you do anything to actually back that up. You want to be well liked, but you don’t do anything to earn it. It isn’t as if he’s asking you to fight his battles for him you know.” She thinks about it for a few moments. “I guess it doesn’t actually matter anymore anyhow. Brittany has a soft spot for Kurt. When he’s suffering so is she, and I simply cannot have that. So he can now be considered mine as well.” Santana would never actually admit it to anyone, but she actually enjoyed glee club, and she liked Kurt. The boy could dress for one thing, but he was also bitchy and sarcastic and she found him greatly amusing.
“Santana, it doesn’t work like that, you can‘t just claim someone as yours.”
“Of course I can.” Santana replied, waving her hand like he was inconsequential. “You do not need to worry about trying to look out for him. You should have done that from the start but you didn’t. It doesn’t matter now anyhow. You keep focusing on Rachel and Finn and you let the rest of us take care of each other.”
“Santana, that’s not-
“Yes, it really is. Don’t worry, I’ll watch after the ones who need it. I’ll do a much better job of it anyway.” She was gone before he can formulate a reply.
But he knew she was right.