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Ah. Apparently UPS tried to deliver my phone yesterday but no one was there to pick it up, so they're delivering it today. Mom wrote on the notice to have them either leave it with a neighbor or deliver it after 4pm if no one is there today, and she said if that didn't happen, she'd take me to the terminal to get it (I currently have her phone, and she wants it back!).
The constant by-myself thinktank that I have going on at the new place is finally starting to get to me. It was nice at first, hanging out with myself in my own mind all the time, being cut off from the world...
...but now I'm getting seriously sick of it. Not having a phone to call anyone and go "WAAAH" to was what finally pushed me over the edge. I worked out with Jamie (That is, if you count draping yourself over the ab-machine in complete dejection as "working out"), and then I ate a bunch of tacos and though, "Okay. Something is not right."
So Yeah. I need a TV and a microwave. And the internet. I really need the internet.
I know i should go to decompression tonight. That would be a great source of human interaction, and I could give my well-wishings to June and M.7. However, while I want human interaction, I really only want it on a one-on-one level, or small groups. Big crowds make me squickish these days. If I go to a party, I'm only there for two hours tops before I have to retreat. Of course I love seeing my friends and such, but my mind and heart is just not in it. When presented with the two options of go party all weekend or stay at home, save money, talk to my man on the phone for an unlimited amount of time, and make my apartment more liveable.... I like the sound of option two better. Doesn't mean I don't want to see people, and my dad really wants me to be there, but... I just ain't got it in me.
Basically, I'm stupidly lonely these days, and being in a big crowd of people makes me feel strangely more lonely. I don't have it in me to act like the center of attention this weekend. And honestly, forcing it is just not worth it to me right now.
I feel myself slipping into "guest star" status. This happened with my last group of friends, right around the time I met my current group. I felt myself fading from them, so I never participated in any sort of group effort, but every Friday they'd meet up at Le Fun on the drag, and I would occasionally make a "guest star" appearance. They were always happy to see me, i was always happy to see them, but that was really all they could stand of me and that was about all i could stand of them. They were in school, I wasn't. It was an inevitable drift. The drift occured a couple of months before I got hooked into being a burner though, and so for those couple of months where I felt myself drifting, I was verrrrry lonely.
I don't think it'll be quite as drastic as the last time I turned "guest star", since I'm actually quite close with quite a few people and not seeing them is out of the question. But, I can see myself putting "burner culture" on the back burner that lost its pilot light (pun not intended).
And there's certainly many guest stars in the community. They remain guest stars, and it works for them. They never quite leave. I see myself becoming that, because to be fair, I never felt as if I was much more than a guest star. I never felt intregal to the community. I'm probably selling myself short, but that's just how it is.
I really need to go find myself. I'm of course forced into doing this by living in an apartment cut off from the world, but aside from that, I'm not doing a lot of searching. I've taken a considerable amount of time off from searching for who I am, from finding out what i need to do, from furthering my life in any way. My rationalization was "i'm young, I have time," but I'm ready to start again. I'm ready to further my life along so that if I do ever decide to leave Austin, I have something to fall back on. My education, a "career field," something. Anything. I don't have either one of those things. I have sharp with and a crooked-toothed smile. That's it. That is NOT enough to get me through.
I'm sure I'll be fine, but I really need to go back and find my place in this world.
Decompression just doesn't fit into that.
:-P