Splat
I found the song that changed my life two weeks ago.
I never thought I would find that song. I always thought it would just be a figment of my imagination. I always thought that my stepping out of that tranquilounger onto the wet floor, to be inspired to dance by the bee named Sheena, to rotate my hips in the crowd of sweaty raver boys while I was let loose into the world and stepped out...
I thought it was just part of the moment.
I thought that song was just supposed to be part of the moment, etched in your mind, perfect and real and there, but never quite recreated. Never quite fully recaptured.
I didn't remember how the song went. Not at all. But it was forever in my mind. It was forever there. I knew what it was. I remembered everyone clapping like a fool at the end of the song.
I remember how I found it idiotic for such a wonderful song, and how I walked away, symbolizing how it was the end of my past life. How I had shed my past skin, and I was a-new. I had never walked away before in my life. or at least, it had felt like it at that point.
And tonight... I didn't even plan on going to Maredith's house. But she insisted that she must feed me. I wasn't even hungry. We spent the evening chatting, it was wonderful. And as I walked out of the door... I heard it.
That song.
I heard that song.
Despite not knowing how it went for the life of me before... I knew that was it. "WHAT IS THAT SONG!" I cried out. I chattered about how it was the song that changed my life. How I had to know what it was, because I had to have it.
Clark Gable, by The Postal Service.
Listening to the lyrics now, I'm amazed that it was "the song," because not only did the song itself change my life, but the lyrics are really fitting for how my life is working at the moment, too.
No spinning of any truth here.
My brain has been acting in some sort of strange way all week. I talk as if I'm in some sort of odd altered state when I haven't had a drop or ingested a single thing. I left my friends early tonight, because I realized I hated clubs. My ears hated them. I wanted a house party. I wanted to hold and be held. I wanted to watch Xanadu or go on some sort of rampage or laugh about something completely insanely idiotic.
Everyone was just hanging out, but hanging out wasn't right for me at the time. Noise doesn't work. I need to be interacting now. I need to be creating or looking and learning. Just sitting or standing and watching isn't enough.
I'm learning to love one-on-one interactions more and more. I used to feed off of being in the middle of a smokey crowd, I used to hate house parties. Probably because I had no friends. But now, conversing is something beautiful, I can appreciate life, and I have people to appreciate it with. I have a few people that I can sit with and experience things without the need for words. Not in any sexual way, or in any creepy way. I think maybe Jamie is the only person I have that with, like, when we were on acid I remember we held hands because I needed that physical touch (I guess she did too or something), and it wasn't weird at all. It was like two children who hold hands.
As much as I hate being by myself, I hate being in large crowds. Huh.
This song.
This fucking song.
What's happening?
Where am I going?
What is this all preparing me for????
And why will no one watch Xanadu with me tonight? It's only the greatest movie of all time.
come ON guys. Gene KELLY. Olivia Neutron BOMB. Electric Light FUCKING ORCHESTRA!
I'm in it for the ELO. Shit yeah.
This song has been playing for over an hour now. Oh god. It's starting to get a bit much. In a bad way.. I think i'm going to pirate movies now.
Fuck off!
(in the delightfully playful "i love you oh no really but just RARRR" kind of way. Yes? Oh shut it.)