Accidentally in Love
I'm not even certain where to begin with this. How do you take the single most important person in your life and sum up what he means to you in a page or two in a journal? I suppose you can't. I also suppose that even with all my well-developed skills in writing lyrics and expressing my feelings through them, there's no way I can accurately convey the depth of my feelings for Lijah. The emotion bankrupts my intellect; there aren't enough words. He is the most beautiful surprise in my life and at the same time the most heart wrenching one. His presence has changed my existence irrevocably. It's changed me too but then I guess that's what love does doesn't it? It transforms us and for good or ill, there's no going back once it's done.
Lijah will tell you that he knew there as something special between us from almost the first moment he saw me. To be completely honest, for me it was a lark. It was curiosity about his 'funky' aura, admiration for his talent and let's face it, just plain lust. God he was sexy back in the Hans Larsen days, all dark hair and leather and oozing confidence and sensuality. He was exotic and I wanted to submerge myself in the ocean of his beauty.
So when I got on the Harsh Words tour bus it was fucking; when I got off the bus, things had changed somewhat. When it's just fucking the guy doesn't generally whisper French in your ear while he slowly undresses you. When it's just fucking he doesn't spend an hour playing with your hair and running his hands over your body with this sort of amazed expression on his face. When it's just fucking he doesn't say your name when he comes and he certainly doesn't spend ten minutes before you leave making sure the phone number he gave you was the right one and asking five times for you to call him....soon. It was a completely endearing juxtaposition between uber confident lead singer for a metal band and sort of shy, reticent young man who wanted more than a road lay but wasn't sure how to go about getting it. I was touched. I was intrigued. I was....ok I was horny but it was so much more than that - and I fought it every step of the way.
It was clear early on that Lijah wanted..more. He wasn't content to casually date. He was gravely serious about the whole thing right from the start. I was less enthusiastic about so much intensity. I was 15 years old when I met Hans Larsen. I'd been awake for two years and I was just beginning to blossom, as a musician, as a mage, as a person really. I was just figuring out myself and my place in the world. I wasn't ready to figure out myself in a relationship. I was young, an Ecstatic. I was going and doing and experiencing and the idea of a serious relationship just seemed to get in the way of those things. I had a number of lovers, casual and otherwise and I wasn't about to give them up. In short, my lifestyle was't suited to having a 'boyfriend' and while I knew that Hans would be something more than just a casual lover, I wasn't sure what he would be. I wasn't sure what he wanted to be, so I asked him - what do you want from our relationship I said. His reply - kids and a dog. Talk about choking on your latte, Jesus. That took me from a little uneasy to officially scared shitless of the whole thing - him, the relationship, how I felt, the enormity of what I felt - all of it just overwhelmed me. So when you're Claire Danielsen and you're afraid of something what do you do? You figure out a way to screw things up; you sabotage your own happiness in favor of the fear. You test to destruction.
I made him promises, and then I broke them. I gave him mixed signals and then was offended when he didn't interpret them correctly. I used magic to wander around in his mind without his knowledge or permission, and then I told him I'd done it. I allowed periods of incredible intimacy and then followed them up with periods of vast emotional distance and apparent indifference to his attentions. I slept with other guys, lots of them. Worse yet, I slept with his bandmate...in a car...parked in front of my loft apartment...in broad daylight. I did everything I could think of to make him doubt me, the relationship, himself - all of it. He responded with patience, understanding, sometimes confusion and amusement, occasional annoyance and once or twice with outright anger, but he never let go and he never stopped wanting to be with me. Lijah's always had a great deal of emotional fortitude.
So after all this - the broken promises, the sleeping around, the invasions of privacy - oh and let's not forget my stupid, insane jealousy...after all this we're still together and actually doing fairly well. Then he leaves to go on tour with Harsh Words. Whoo hooo...freedom...a chance to indulge myself without him around to disapprove, right? Not even close. To my complete amazement I missed him, and not just a little. This was crushing, pain in my heart, can't sleep at night, think about him constantly, waiting for the phone to ring just so I could hear his voice missing him. I knew if I didn't do something quick it would be all over; I'd be his forever. So I donned the gear of Self-destructive girl, ran out and did something stupid.
Without all the gory details, I thought I fell in love with someone else. Was I ever actually in love with Anatoly? I honestly can't tell anymore. It certainly felt like love at the time. It felt enough like love for me to seriously jeopardize my relationship with Hans and the happiness I'd come to know with my new family. He tried to be understanding. He tried to be generous and allow me this relationship that I thought I needed, but it will killing us all inside and we all knew it. Neither man was really the sharing type and only Lijah had the courage and nobility to walk away. He wanted me to be happy and he thought that in his absence I might be able to build a life with Anatoly. It was a lovely, idealistic notion, but it was entirely false.
Every day without him was like a death. I woke up in the morning and perished until I couldn't stand up any longer. Then I fell into a purgatorial sleep, woke up and did it all over again. For me the world was without color or joy or even things as simple as comfort or beauty. All I could feel was the absence of him, the abyss in my heart who's darkness only Lijah had ever been able to penetrate. I began to understand that my life without him wasn't a life at all, it was merely an existence and no one else could truly give it meaning. Anatoly realized it too. He watched all of the joy drain away from me like blood from a corpse. I'm sure it probably hurt him to know there was a place in my soul that he couldn't fill, a place that would only be made whole by another man. To Anatoly's credit, he had the grace to acknowledge it and move on to a life that didn't include me. To Lijah's credit, he had the generosity to forgive me and to work at re-building our life together. I locked Self-destructive Girl in a closet and resolved myself to the fundamentals of a long lasting relationship -hard work and commitment.
Never in all my 16 year old dreams had I contemplated a lifetime spent committed to just one other human being, but it was certainly the direction in which I was headed. I know it sounds corny but it's true - the heart wants what it wants and when you throw an avatar into the mix, things get really complicated. I was convinced that I couldn't be without him; everything we'd been through demonstrated that to me. No matter how much I sometimes bemoaned it, it was clear that I'd found the love of my life - and all before the age of 18. Lijah disputes it, but personally, I believe in fate. Sometimes things are so incredibly 'meant to be' that to fight them just seems foolish. So I stopped grieving for what I thought I was losing and started looking forward to what I had gained. There were a lot of long, long conversations, a lot of compromise, some hurt feelings, and a couple of big arguments, and I don't think things like this are ever entirely resolved. It's a process, an evolution and if you aren't ready to deal with the new mutations then you're going to drown in the emotional soup.
So, here I am, married...yes Lijah even managed to get me to the alter, he's just that good. I've been through a lot in the past three years, we both have - him more than me if I'm telling the whole truth. I'm pretty comfortable with where we are - finally. I had to do some growing up in order for that to happen and I'm grateful that Lijah gave me the time to do that. Had he been a less patient or understanding man, had he been less in love or less forgiving, our song could have been written in a much more ominous key. Fortunately my one true love has perfect pitch. I'm a lucky girl.
Lijah will tell you that he knew there as something special between us from almost the first moment he saw me. To be completely honest, for me it was a lark. It was curiosity about his 'funky' aura, admiration for his talent and let's face it, just plain lust. God he was sexy back in the Hans Larsen days, all dark hair and leather and oozing confidence and sensuality. He was exotic and I wanted to submerge myself in the ocean of his beauty.
So when I got on the Harsh Words tour bus it was fucking; when I got off the bus, things had changed somewhat. When it's just fucking the guy doesn't generally whisper French in your ear while he slowly undresses you. When it's just fucking he doesn't spend an hour playing with your hair and running his hands over your body with this sort of amazed expression on his face. When it's just fucking he doesn't say your name when he comes and he certainly doesn't spend ten minutes before you leave making sure the phone number he gave you was the right one and asking five times for you to call him....soon. It was a completely endearing juxtaposition between uber confident lead singer for a metal band and sort of shy, reticent young man who wanted more than a road lay but wasn't sure how to go about getting it. I was touched. I was intrigued. I was....ok I was horny but it was so much more than that - and I fought it every step of the way.
It was clear early on that Lijah wanted..more. He wasn't content to casually date. He was gravely serious about the whole thing right from the start. I was less enthusiastic about so much intensity. I was 15 years old when I met Hans Larsen. I'd been awake for two years and I was just beginning to blossom, as a musician, as a mage, as a person really. I was just figuring out myself and my place in the world. I wasn't ready to figure out myself in a relationship. I was young, an Ecstatic. I was going and doing and experiencing and the idea of a serious relationship just seemed to get in the way of those things. I had a number of lovers, casual and otherwise and I wasn't about to give them up. In short, my lifestyle was't suited to having a 'boyfriend' and while I knew that Hans would be something more than just a casual lover, I wasn't sure what he would be. I wasn't sure what he wanted to be, so I asked him - what do you want from our relationship I said. His reply - kids and a dog. Talk about choking on your latte, Jesus. That took me from a little uneasy to officially scared shitless of the whole thing - him, the relationship, how I felt, the enormity of what I felt - all of it just overwhelmed me. So when you're Claire Danielsen and you're afraid of something what do you do? You figure out a way to screw things up; you sabotage your own happiness in favor of the fear. You test to destruction.
I made him promises, and then I broke them. I gave him mixed signals and then was offended when he didn't interpret them correctly. I used magic to wander around in his mind without his knowledge or permission, and then I told him I'd done it. I allowed periods of incredible intimacy and then followed them up with periods of vast emotional distance and apparent indifference to his attentions. I slept with other guys, lots of them. Worse yet, I slept with his bandmate...in a car...parked in front of my loft apartment...in broad daylight. I did everything I could think of to make him doubt me, the relationship, himself - all of it. He responded with patience, understanding, sometimes confusion and amusement, occasional annoyance and once or twice with outright anger, but he never let go and he never stopped wanting to be with me. Lijah's always had a great deal of emotional fortitude.
So after all this - the broken promises, the sleeping around, the invasions of privacy - oh and let's not forget my stupid, insane jealousy...after all this we're still together and actually doing fairly well. Then he leaves to go on tour with Harsh Words. Whoo hooo...freedom...a chance to indulge myself without him around to disapprove, right? Not even close. To my complete amazement I missed him, and not just a little. This was crushing, pain in my heart, can't sleep at night, think about him constantly, waiting for the phone to ring just so I could hear his voice missing him. I knew if I didn't do something quick it would be all over; I'd be his forever. So I donned the gear of Self-destructive girl, ran out and did something stupid.
Without all the gory details, I thought I fell in love with someone else. Was I ever actually in love with Anatoly? I honestly can't tell anymore. It certainly felt like love at the time. It felt enough like love for me to seriously jeopardize my relationship with Hans and the happiness I'd come to know with my new family. He tried to be understanding. He tried to be generous and allow me this relationship that I thought I needed, but it will killing us all inside and we all knew it. Neither man was really the sharing type and only Lijah had the courage and nobility to walk away. He wanted me to be happy and he thought that in his absence I might be able to build a life with Anatoly. It was a lovely, idealistic notion, but it was entirely false.
Every day without him was like a death. I woke up in the morning and perished until I couldn't stand up any longer. Then I fell into a purgatorial sleep, woke up and did it all over again. For me the world was without color or joy or even things as simple as comfort or beauty. All I could feel was the absence of him, the abyss in my heart who's darkness only Lijah had ever been able to penetrate. I began to understand that my life without him wasn't a life at all, it was merely an existence and no one else could truly give it meaning. Anatoly realized it too. He watched all of the joy drain away from me like blood from a corpse. I'm sure it probably hurt him to know there was a place in my soul that he couldn't fill, a place that would only be made whole by another man. To Anatoly's credit, he had the grace to acknowledge it and move on to a life that didn't include me. To Lijah's credit, he had the generosity to forgive me and to work at re-building our life together. I locked Self-destructive Girl in a closet and resolved myself to the fundamentals of a long lasting relationship -hard work and commitment.
Never in all my 16 year old dreams had I contemplated a lifetime spent committed to just one other human being, but it was certainly the direction in which I was headed. I know it sounds corny but it's true - the heart wants what it wants and when you throw an avatar into the mix, things get really complicated. I was convinced that I couldn't be without him; everything we'd been through demonstrated that to me. No matter how much I sometimes bemoaned it, it was clear that I'd found the love of my life - and all before the age of 18. Lijah disputes it, but personally, I believe in fate. Sometimes things are so incredibly 'meant to be' that to fight them just seems foolish. So I stopped grieving for what I thought I was losing and started looking forward to what I had gained. There were a lot of long, long conversations, a lot of compromise, some hurt feelings, and a couple of big arguments, and I don't think things like this are ever entirely resolved. It's a process, an evolution and if you aren't ready to deal with the new mutations then you're going to drown in the emotional soup.
So, here I am, married...yes Lijah even managed to get me to the alter, he's just that good. I've been through a lot in the past three years, we both have - him more than me if I'm telling the whole truth. I'm pretty comfortable with where we are - finally. I had to do some growing up in order for that to happen and I'm grateful that Lijah gave me the time to do that. Had he been a less patient or understanding man, had he been less in love or less forgiving, our song could have been written in a much more ominous key. Fortunately my one true love has perfect pitch. I'm a lucky girl.