The ghost I never knew (Jon) - Gjuno_chanJuly 12 2012, 02:28:25 UTC
It fills him with shame, but sometimes Jon hates his father for keeping secret everything about his mother, for keeping her name and face and memory all to himself. The ache in his heart where she should be is a near constant pain - dulled, by time, ignored and pushed to the background, but always there, and much as he loves his siblings, he knows it is this pain that they shall never (could never) understand.
He stands in front of the mirror and sees Stark staring back, and he turns his face first left than right, looking for a disparity, something that could have come from her. Was she fair-haired, he wonders, or dark like him? Was she noble-born, or a peasant girl, or a whoring camp follower? Did his father take him from her, or did she willingly give him away, force his father to bring him north?
Jon wonders if he ever suckled at her breast, if she ever sang to him or stroked his hair. He wonders if he ever fell asleep in her embrace, if she ever thinks of him, if she ever loved him, for only a moment. He wonders if she is living or dead, if he could ever have the chance to know her, and the uncertainty keeps him awake at night, tossing as half-dreams flutter through his mind and her face morphs and changes behind his eyelids.
He does not even know where to start, after all, when he imagines - he knows not at all what she looked like.
Sometimes he thinks he imagines her voice, usually before he is about to do something foolish, chiding him gently in the back of his mind. As a mother would, he thinks, and he strains to listen, but it fades away before he can focus, before he is even certain that he hears anything at all.
Soon he is sure there is nothing at all.
There is nothing - no image, no sound, not even a name, and sometimes Jon cannot help but hate his father for it.
Re: The ghost I never knew (Jon) - Gjuno_chanJuly 12 2012, 02:50:30 UTC
Thank you! I agree with wanting more of Jon's thoughts on his mom - I feel like at this point he's almost resigned to knowing nothing, which is so fucking sad. =(
Re: The ghost I never knew (Jon) - GworkswithwordsJuly 12 2012, 02:45:08 UTC
/CRYING.
This is perfect beyond perfect. Poor, sweet Jon. All these reasons are why I really kind of hope Septa Lemore is Ashara and one day they meet and she tells him she's his mother.
Re: The ghost I never knew (Jon) - Gjuno_chanJuly 12 2012, 02:49:46 UTC
Thank yoooooou! Sometimes I have so many Jon feels I cannot even handle it. While part of me totally wants him to have a living mom, if it turns out his mother is anyone other than Lyanna (and therefore Ned's reasons for NOT TELLING JON ANYTHING ABOUT HIS MOM ARE TOTAL AND ABSOLUTE SHIT), I will have SO MUCH RAGE at Ned.
Re: The ghost I never knew (Jon) - Gjuno_chanJuly 12 2012, 03:35:09 UTC
Thank you so much! I always thought that the fact that he looks so much like a Stark must make it even harder - there's NO hint of his mother anywhere. :(
He stands in front of the mirror and sees Stark staring back, and he turns his face first left than right, looking for a disparity, something that could have come from her. Was she fair-haired, he wonders, or dark like him? Was she noble-born, or a peasant girl, or a whoring camp follower? Did his father take him from her, or did she willingly give him away, force his father to bring him north?
Jon wonders if he ever suckled at her breast, if she ever sang to him or stroked his hair. He wonders if he ever fell asleep in her embrace, if she ever thinks of him, if she ever loved him, for only a moment. He wonders if she is living or dead, if he could ever have the chance to know her, and the uncertainty keeps him awake at night, tossing as half-dreams flutter through his mind and her face morphs and changes behind his eyelids.
He does not even know where to start, after all, when he imagines - he knows not at all what she looked like.
Sometimes he thinks he imagines her voice, usually before he is about to do something foolish, chiding him gently in the back of his mind. As a mother would, he thinks, and he strains to listen, but it fades away before he can focus, before he is even certain that he hears anything at all.
Soon he is sure there is nothing at all.
There is nothing - no image, no sound, not even a name, and sometimes Jon cannot help but hate his father for it.
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This is perfect beyond perfect. Poor, sweet Jon. All these reasons are why I really kind of hope Septa Lemore is Ashara and one day they meet and she tells him she's his mother.
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All my Jon feels! This definitely convinces me. HE MUST KNOW HIS MOTHER! - What's taking so long, GRRM? *pout*
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Also, FYI, I'm friending you, 'cause I'm convinced that none of your fics should be missed.
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