A new beginning?
So far this has been the worst year of my life. And it felt like a good time to come back here and write something in a place where no one needs to hear how broken I feel.
The year started with my back problems coming back pretty badly in the second week of January (and it's still not fully healed). This set off my not so supportive partner and really set the tone for how this year was going to flow.
I had been in a very abusive relationship with a narcissist for about 2.5 years. I should have known better. This isn't my first rodeo. But I just don't know how to stand up for myself. And it's worse when this person also gave me all the things I never knew I wanted. Her family is wonderful. I just really didn't understand what a real family felt like. But most of all, I'll miss her daughter. I got to be a father figure to her. She's a teenager but we spent so much time together. I love her more than anything in the world. And I had to let all of that go. She will no longer even acknowledge me. That void may never be filled.
I had to find a new place in secret for fear or revenge. That felt horrible. That's not who I want to be. But I found a place. It's cute. I love this neighborhood more than anywhere else I've ever lived. I was quietly moving out and things seemed to be moving in a good direction...
In the middle of that move, my mom suddenly died. I found her. It wasn't like her to not respond quickly. I rushed over there. I already knew what I was going to find. Everyone tells me that they're sorry that I was the one to find her. But I'm not. I decided to not actively try to figure out what happened but my brain does what it does. The best I could tell she had passed away on Saturday night. I found her Monday afternoon. She wasn't in any pain. She died in her sleep in her favorite chair. She always fell asleep there.
You think you know how that's going to feel. I thought I knew how that was going to feel. I was so very, very wrong. My mom and I had a tough relationship. I'm sure I've written about it before. We were working on things and while I was never likely to treat her like a parent, I still very much loved her. It's coming up on 3 months since that moment. The pain and loss comes at me from different angles and in different ways. I'm sorry I wasn't a better son.
My ex tried to get back into my life by helping with my mom. As soon as I didn't give her what she wanted, she pulled away from me and attacked me. That continued for longer than I'm proud of. Like I said, I don't stand up for myself very well.
I spent 2 weeks cleaning out and moving my mom's stuff. Then moved all of my stuff. I couldn't have done it without my friends. I rarely have high expectations for my friends. But they really did come through. I probably need to rethink how I see people. They helped me with all the heavy lifting because my back is still bad. I had to rebuild my home and make it feel welcoming. But I'm on that path now. And at least that feels good.
Once the move had started to settle, my work had a very large layoff. I kept my job but the level or responsibility drastically increased. I'm struggling with burnout and exhaustion. I'm starting to have health issues. They're supportive and are actively trying to help. But a lot of the things I do, only I can do. It's not a great situation.
My dog Winnie has had a large tumor on her head for awhile now. I finally got it removed. That was such a huge relief. To know it was benign. To feel like I actually completed a task and I wouldn't have to worry about it anymore. But in keeping with the general theme for the year. I was hit while going to pick her up after surgery. I was stuck in traffic and someone just drifted into me. I didn't see the coming and they took off before I even really saw the car. I couldn't get out of traffic to chase them down. By the time I was moving they were nowhere to be seen. I'm still waiting on my car to go into the shop. And while it's there I'll probably be riding my bike to work. Not a horrible thing for me to be doing if I'm being honest.
These are just the big things. There have been a lot of small things too. But here's the really odd part. People who've known me for awhile know that I can be a bit of a downer. But right now, I'm mostly just excited for whatever comes next.
When did I become this person? And how do I express just how grateful I am that I do have that outlook right now. The alternative is a bit scary.