My close friends, please read so you know what's up with me!
I'm in Corvallis, on Leslie's computer.
She's at tap class.
I feel lame for bailing on Caleb last night. I've just felt so beat lately.
It was like 10:30 and I called him to say I'm too tired to hang, haha.
Sheesh.
I've been in a real funk lately.
Me and God haven't been on speaking terms lately.
Not for any particular reason. Not for any GOOD reason anyway.
I've just not been praying as much. I've been attending church MUCH less.
And I think it's beginning to take a toll on more than the spiritual aspect of my life.
My personal life is beginning to suffer as well.
I don't see Caleb hardly enough, and sometimes don't even speak with him for days.
The other day I awoke to a ninja turtles quote from Zach via text message.
We exchanged them back and forth for awhile, and that was a lot of fun. It was good to talk to him at all. I really miss him a lot...
And I'm viewing my own self very poorly lately.
I don't feel good enough for anything.
And when I'm around Leslie, it almost hurts because I feel like I'm not good enough and she may realize that she's wasting her time with me. No specific actions are taking place to make me feel like this, mind you. I simply FEEL like it. She's so incredible, and I've just been feeling more and more like she's too good for me.
God didn't give me this spirit of defeat.
I know where it's coming from, and I used to have the right spirit and the right heart and mind to fend that kind of thinking off, or at least keep it at bay.
It's not the same these days. I have a genuine fear of losing her. It effects the way I act and sometimes the way I treat her. I would never do anything to hurt her, but sometimes I treat her as though she's already leaving me, or already left.
She's so incredibly supportive though, and that really is amazing.
She doesn't really DO anything to make me feel like she wants to leave, in fact it's the exact opposite, but for some reason I just feel that way.
She's such a blessing. Truly truly.
I'm not meaning any of this to sound as though I don't want to have a relationship with God, or that I'm angry with Him in any way.
I'm just saying this stuff because... I guess just because thems the facts. I've just been retarded lately, and it's really screwing my life up for the time being.
I have no confidence in myself. I know I'm not meant to feel this way. I'm for more than these stupid feelings. Instead of helping to fix this, I'm kind of laying down and dying.
That's not who I am. I'm letting this hurt me, and so much worse, I'm letting it hurt Leslie, and our relationship.
Again, just so we're clear, I don't mean we have a bad relationship. We have a GREAT relationship, where one helps the other and we're always there for each other. Truly showing the other how much we love them.
All I'm saying is I know it's not HELPING our relationship, me feeling this way.
I really need to turn this around, and I will.
God is for me.
On a MUCH lighter note:
Leslie is so close to coming home. It makes me so excited to think about, theres no way to express it in words.
These last few weeks are going by so quickly. The anticipation is still killing me, as well as the excitement!
Summer is almost here. Another exciting event. That's what summer is. One big event!
Hoorah!
Anyway... I suppose that is all for now.
Adios
-Josh
She's at tap class.
I feel lame for bailing on Caleb last night. I've just felt so beat lately.
It was like 10:30 and I called him to say I'm too tired to hang, haha.
Sheesh.
I've been in a real funk lately.
Me and God haven't been on speaking terms lately.
Not for any particular reason. Not for any GOOD reason anyway.
I've just not been praying as much. I've been attending church MUCH less.
And I think it's beginning to take a toll on more than the spiritual aspect of my life.
My personal life is beginning to suffer as well.
I don't see Caleb hardly enough, and sometimes don't even speak with him for days.
The other day I awoke to a ninja turtles quote from Zach via text message.
We exchanged them back and forth for awhile, and that was a lot of fun. It was good to talk to him at all. I really miss him a lot...
And I'm viewing my own self very poorly lately.
I don't feel good enough for anything.
And when I'm around Leslie, it almost hurts because I feel like I'm not good enough and she may realize that she's wasting her time with me. No specific actions are taking place to make me feel like this, mind you. I simply FEEL like it. She's so incredible, and I've just been feeling more and more like she's too good for me.
God didn't give me this spirit of defeat.
I know where it's coming from, and I used to have the right spirit and the right heart and mind to fend that kind of thinking off, or at least keep it at bay.
It's not the same these days. I have a genuine fear of losing her. It effects the way I act and sometimes the way I treat her. I would never do anything to hurt her, but sometimes I treat her as though she's already leaving me, or already left.
She's so incredibly supportive though, and that really is amazing.
She doesn't really DO anything to make me feel like she wants to leave, in fact it's the exact opposite, but for some reason I just feel that way.
She's such a blessing. Truly truly.
I'm not meaning any of this to sound as though I don't want to have a relationship with God, or that I'm angry with Him in any way.
I'm just saying this stuff because... I guess just because thems the facts. I've just been retarded lately, and it's really screwing my life up for the time being.
I have no confidence in myself. I know I'm not meant to feel this way. I'm for more than these stupid feelings. Instead of helping to fix this, I'm kind of laying down and dying.
That's not who I am. I'm letting this hurt me, and so much worse, I'm letting it hurt Leslie, and our relationship.
Again, just so we're clear, I don't mean we have a bad relationship. We have a GREAT relationship, where one helps the other and we're always there for each other. Truly showing the other how much we love them.
All I'm saying is I know it's not HELPING our relationship, me feeling this way.
I really need to turn this around, and I will.
God is for me.
On a MUCH lighter note:
Leslie is so close to coming home. It makes me so excited to think about, theres no way to express it in words.
These last few weeks are going by so quickly. The anticipation is still killing me, as well as the excitement!
Summer is almost here. Another exciting event. That's what summer is. One big event!
Hoorah!
Anyway... I suppose that is all for now.
Adios
-Josh