Denim Rage.
Outside it is wet and cold. Not like my soul or anything. That's not where I was going with this.
Rehearsal was miserable today. I am thinking of conducting an optional tutorial entitled: How to Wear One's Jeans Corectly.
Lesson 1: Do not be afraid to buy your size. No one likes ten pounds of taters in a five pound sack.
Lesson 2, Part A: When adjusting your denim, avoid the urge to pull your low rise jeans up to or past your belly button. If one buys low rise jeans, one should respect the courtesy distance of at least an inch between belly button and zipper in order to avoid...
Lesson 2, Part B: Camel toe. Ladies. There is neither a fashionable nor a practical excuse for Toe. If at any point during the day, you experience the sensation of...ahem.... pull your damn pants down. Guys can adjust their balls; do us all a favor and take care of it.
Lesson 3: Bootcut jeans- a fine line. The difference between bootcut jeans and mom jeans is a complex and nuanced concept. I understand this. Here's a pain-free way to avoid buying the wrong denim: Try the jeans on. Picture yourself in a gloriously appliqued seasonal sweater- sequins, yarn, googley eyes- the whole nine yards. You may even bring a cotton blend tanktop with you for accuracy. If the combination of jeans and seasonal sweater does not seem unnatural, then beware shopper. You are flirting with fire. You are wearing mom jeans.
Lesson 4: Panty lines- if you insist on wearing jeans without back pockets, be very, very careful not to subject your public to panty line. Ain't nobody curr how small yo drawers is.
All this, gentle readers, is a testament to my 5 hour rehearsals, before which i prepare myself for the Wardrobe Malfunction du Jour...
"Okay Stafford, here we go. Deep breath. Don't laugh when she bends over in scene VI. These girls are divas. They might claw you."
Clearly, this issue is a matter of safety. I feel that making the community aware of denim faux pas is my responsibility- not as a critic, not as a woman, but as a human being.
Go forth. Spread the good word.
Rehearsal was miserable today. I am thinking of conducting an optional tutorial entitled: How to Wear One's Jeans Corectly.
Lesson 1: Do not be afraid to buy your size. No one likes ten pounds of taters in a five pound sack.
Lesson 2, Part A: When adjusting your denim, avoid the urge to pull your low rise jeans up to or past your belly button. If one buys low rise jeans, one should respect the courtesy distance of at least an inch between belly button and zipper in order to avoid...
Lesson 2, Part B: Camel toe. Ladies. There is neither a fashionable nor a practical excuse for Toe. If at any point during the day, you experience the sensation of...ahem.... pull your damn pants down. Guys can adjust their balls; do us all a favor and take care of it.
Lesson 3: Bootcut jeans- a fine line. The difference between bootcut jeans and mom jeans is a complex and nuanced concept. I understand this. Here's a pain-free way to avoid buying the wrong denim: Try the jeans on. Picture yourself in a gloriously appliqued seasonal sweater- sequins, yarn, googley eyes- the whole nine yards. You may even bring a cotton blend tanktop with you for accuracy. If the combination of jeans and seasonal sweater does not seem unnatural, then beware shopper. You are flirting with fire. You are wearing mom jeans.
Lesson 4: Panty lines- if you insist on wearing jeans without back pockets, be very, very careful not to subject your public to panty line. Ain't nobody curr how small yo drawers is.
All this, gentle readers, is a testament to my 5 hour rehearsals, before which i prepare myself for the Wardrobe Malfunction du Jour...
"Okay Stafford, here we go. Deep breath. Don't laugh when she bends over in scene VI. These girls are divas. They might claw you."
Clearly, this issue is a matter of safety. I feel that making the community aware of denim faux pas is my responsibility- not as a critic, not as a woman, but as a human being.
Go forth. Spread the good word.