Cause I Wasted the Light
Tonight at the meeting a girl (it's an anonymous fellowship so I can't say who said what, so shut up) was talking about how angry she got at her grandma who's becoming forgetful due to alzheimer's disease. I was like okie, whatever. Didn't say anything, because you're not supposed to and whatnot and I let it go. But then she started talking bout how her family knew that her grandma was going to die soon and that they had already got her little brother a suite for a funeral...and the grandma wasn't even that bad. She still remembers stuff and she's just a little confused. Then she was like "oh yeah, it's sad and everything. But it pisses me off sometimes..." as if it was no big deal.
I tried so hard to keep it in. For bout 15 minutes I tried SO fucking hard not to let my eyes water. Then I just walked out of the room and started tearing prefusely. I felt like someone took out my lungs. Thoughts of how ungrateful the girl was came to my head. And how she shouldn't be angry at her grandma, it's not her fault. It's not like she WANTED to forget everything. I thought how the girl should be spending every moment with her grandma she could possibly get before she regreted it afterwards. Then I realized I'm a hypocrite cause I don't see my grandma that often and she lives 4 houses down from me. Yeah, then I started balling. I cried for I don't know how long.
I would give anything just for my grandma to actually remember my name. Or who she was, or where she was. Or what she was doing. We all knew she had alzheimer's disease and didn't do anything until it was too late. She had a stroke and now she has no real long or short-term memory. I love her and I don't want her to die. I am so stupid for not spending time with her everyday. When I had first heard bout the stroke about a year ago, I didn't go and see my grandma in the hospital. I didn't see her til like a month afterwards. I didn't want to see her in a horrible state. I didn't want to remember her when she can't remember me. I'm such a horrible person...I'd rather remember her weak and even if she can't remember me, instead of not being able to remember her at all.
That was the first time I showed any real emotion about the whole thing. I feel horrible, because I am horrible.
Most people worry about not being remembered by loved ones after they die, but it's so much worse to not remember loved ones while you're still living. I feel like shit, great. Here come the waterworks again.
I tried so hard to keep it in. For bout 15 minutes I tried SO fucking hard not to let my eyes water. Then I just walked out of the room and started tearing prefusely. I felt like someone took out my lungs. Thoughts of how ungrateful the girl was came to my head. And how she shouldn't be angry at her grandma, it's not her fault. It's not like she WANTED to forget everything. I thought how the girl should be spending every moment with her grandma she could possibly get before she regreted it afterwards. Then I realized I'm a hypocrite cause I don't see my grandma that often and she lives 4 houses down from me. Yeah, then I started balling. I cried for I don't know how long.
I would give anything just for my grandma to actually remember my name. Or who she was, or where she was. Or what she was doing. We all knew she had alzheimer's disease and didn't do anything until it was too late. She had a stroke and now she has no real long or short-term memory. I love her and I don't want her to die. I am so stupid for not spending time with her everyday. When I had first heard bout the stroke about a year ago, I didn't go and see my grandma in the hospital. I didn't see her til like a month afterwards. I didn't want to see her in a horrible state. I didn't want to remember her when she can't remember me. I'm such a horrible person...I'd rather remember her weak and even if she can't remember me, instead of not being able to remember her at all.
That was the first time I showed any real emotion about the whole thing. I feel horrible, because I am horrible.
Most people worry about not being remembered by loved ones after they die, but it's so much worse to not remember loved ones while you're still living. I feel like shit, great. Here come the waterworks again.