Im sorry please forgive me, believe me if you could...
ugh. sitting in what is quickly becoming the barren wasteland of a room. im so morose and nostalgic it's ridiculous. im hoping that my nostalgia wont ruin my last week in Michigan. that i wont be in a permanent emo funk. so introverted that i cant enjoy the last little bit i have. if tonight is any indication, i dont think i will. i cried tears of sadness... and then hours later cried b/c i was laughing so hard i could barely breathe.
well lets see. tonight. intense at lighthouse. not only did i feel like God was yelling at me through Tony's message... but i felt as tho God were using giant flashers and waving me in for a landing to tell me that this is where and what he wants from me. ok. so that didnt quite make sense, but. yeah. it was a jolt to my half awake half sleeping confusion i call life. i also started thinking that about weird things... and yes this is an odd generalization... but it's sort of where my mind drifted. i found my mind wandering around the idea that this moment in time. this lighthouse. this night. it cant be recreated. it just cant. when i come back for- hopefully, fingers crossed -thanksgiving, that things will have totally changed. people will have changed. times will have changed. life will have moved on. moved on without me, and that sux to think about. really it does. and so my mind stood there staring up at this large... proverbial "elephant-in-the-room", and i could feel an inward sigh of... well... sadness.
after having a night of laughs (once the tears were out of the way, of course) i contemplated things driving in the mid summer night's air. (not to be mistaken with the shakespearian play mid summer night's dream...) and no, the break-neck speeds were not the reason as to why i was beginning the "expected contemplation of life" (that journal entry, which is not this entry... may be a few days... just to give fair warning, i know u all await it with bated breath and on pins and needles... i hope i dont let anyone down...) and so i began to think about why i chose to leave Michigan in the first place. I wanted to get away. away from the weather, the snow, the "two seasons". away from the pain, the anger, the frustration. to find a new life, a set of friends who cared. to be what i was meant to be. basically to run away from my past and to start fresh. where no one knows anything. absolutely nothing. clean slate. and that's when it hit me. everything i was hoping to gain by moving i have right here, right now. i didnt realize that when i first started picking schools to go to two years ago. i didnt have the friends i do now... the people who have supported me these past few years through everything. through all the crap. who prayed for me before i even knew they cared. who held me accountable. who gave me hugs when i needed it, and let me cry on their already tear-soaked shoulders. i realized, these are the people, the ones i can have a conversation with, adding "stickles" to the end of every word and letter of the alphabet, and yet still find the entire thing within the standard norm, who i laugh with till i cry, with whom can i just sit and talk, and never worry about being judged, where i can just walk into a house and feel at home, though i dont live there, who i can have a sauce fight with, or create random nick-names with... these are the people i wanted to find. i thought they didnt exist in Michigan. I thought i didnt fit in. only to find that i do. and now i dont want to leave. when the idea suddenly becomes a reality, i dont want to believe it's true. I'm 3% excited, 7% overwhelmed, 10% apprehensive, 35% nervous and scared, and 45% sad. i dont want to leave the friends who make me feel ok to be... well... me...
and then i got to thinking about other things... things i was sorry for. i had reasons, and they all make sense in my head. i just dont think i can articulate what i think and feel 95% of the time. and honestly the 5% of the time that i do... i think it's just a fluke. and so i sit here listening to ellery wishing i could undo the hurt and pain. i'm not worth it. im not worth the time. im not worth any of it. i dont know why people care so much for me when im so rotten on the inside. it's what runs through my veins im afraid. and it oozes out. it oozes out through my very pores. i suck as a friend. i suck so much i've become a black-hole. and then i remembered two songs. two songs of which the lyrics fit how i felt... how i feel...
juliana theory: as it stands
everything i have in my head
it begins to fade away
i search for it and i long for it
now i know it's gone
everything has slipped away
and im so overwhelmed
everything that rests upon my shoulders fell
i would like to tell anyone who has depended on me for themselves,
i'm sorry
and everyone i've held in my arms
i believe i pushed away
i would be there if i could be there
but as it stands i'm gone
everyone has slipped away
don't be overwhelmed
everyone that loved me more than i could tell,
i'm sorry
there's a private hell for anyone who lives to only love themselves
everyone has slipped away
everyone has slipped away
everyone has slipped away
everything has slipped away
Boxcar: Sorrow
because i need you more than you need me
because i want you more i know
because we move too fucking fast
i think i really had to wish to make this last i know
i'm sorry please forgive me, believe me if you would
because i cared way more
because i really felt that you felt so much more i know
i'm sorry please forgive me, believe me if you would
i'm sorry please forgive me, believe me if you could
i'm sorry please forgive me, believe me if you would
i'm sorry please forgive me, believe me if you could
believe me if you could
i cant really sum it up any better than those two songs. ugh. sometimes i get so mad at myself it makes me irritated. i just hope this black-hole of suckiness doesnt continue. ugh. suckfest? more like suck-stickles... goo
ok... pece out...
Tee-stickles out...
well lets see. tonight. intense at lighthouse. not only did i feel like God was yelling at me through Tony's message... but i felt as tho God were using giant flashers and waving me in for a landing to tell me that this is where and what he wants from me. ok. so that didnt quite make sense, but. yeah. it was a jolt to my half awake half sleeping confusion i call life. i also started thinking that about weird things... and yes this is an odd generalization... but it's sort of where my mind drifted. i found my mind wandering around the idea that this moment in time. this lighthouse. this night. it cant be recreated. it just cant. when i come back for- hopefully, fingers crossed -thanksgiving, that things will have totally changed. people will have changed. times will have changed. life will have moved on. moved on without me, and that sux to think about. really it does. and so my mind stood there staring up at this large... proverbial "elephant-in-the-room", and i could feel an inward sigh of... well... sadness.
after having a night of laughs (once the tears were out of the way, of course) i contemplated things driving in the mid summer night's air. (not to be mistaken with the shakespearian play mid summer night's dream...) and no, the break-neck speeds were not the reason as to why i was beginning the "expected contemplation of life" (that journal entry, which is not this entry... may be a few days... just to give fair warning, i know u all await it with bated breath and on pins and needles... i hope i dont let anyone down...) and so i began to think about why i chose to leave Michigan in the first place. I wanted to get away. away from the weather, the snow, the "two seasons". away from the pain, the anger, the frustration. to find a new life, a set of friends who cared. to be what i was meant to be. basically to run away from my past and to start fresh. where no one knows anything. absolutely nothing. clean slate. and that's when it hit me. everything i was hoping to gain by moving i have right here, right now. i didnt realize that when i first started picking schools to go to two years ago. i didnt have the friends i do now... the people who have supported me these past few years through everything. through all the crap. who prayed for me before i even knew they cared. who held me accountable. who gave me hugs when i needed it, and let me cry on their already tear-soaked shoulders. i realized, these are the people, the ones i can have a conversation with, adding "stickles" to the end of every word and letter of the alphabet, and yet still find the entire thing within the standard norm, who i laugh with till i cry, with whom can i just sit and talk, and never worry about being judged, where i can just walk into a house and feel at home, though i dont live there, who i can have a sauce fight with, or create random nick-names with... these are the people i wanted to find. i thought they didnt exist in Michigan. I thought i didnt fit in. only to find that i do. and now i dont want to leave. when the idea suddenly becomes a reality, i dont want to believe it's true. I'm 3% excited, 7% overwhelmed, 10% apprehensive, 35% nervous and scared, and 45% sad. i dont want to leave the friends who make me feel ok to be... well... me...
and then i got to thinking about other things... things i was sorry for. i had reasons, and they all make sense in my head. i just dont think i can articulate what i think and feel 95% of the time. and honestly the 5% of the time that i do... i think it's just a fluke. and so i sit here listening to ellery wishing i could undo the hurt and pain. i'm not worth it. im not worth the time. im not worth any of it. i dont know why people care so much for me when im so rotten on the inside. it's what runs through my veins im afraid. and it oozes out. it oozes out through my very pores. i suck as a friend. i suck so much i've become a black-hole. and then i remembered two songs. two songs of which the lyrics fit how i felt... how i feel...
juliana theory: as it stands
everything i have in my head
it begins to fade away
i search for it and i long for it
now i know it's gone
everything has slipped away
and im so overwhelmed
everything that rests upon my shoulders fell
i would like to tell anyone who has depended on me for themselves,
i'm sorry
and everyone i've held in my arms
i believe i pushed away
i would be there if i could be there
but as it stands i'm gone
everyone has slipped away
don't be overwhelmed
everyone that loved me more than i could tell,
i'm sorry
there's a private hell for anyone who lives to only love themselves
everyone has slipped away
everyone has slipped away
everyone has slipped away
everything has slipped away
Boxcar: Sorrow
because i need you more than you need me
because i want you more i know
because we move too fucking fast
i think i really had to wish to make this last i know
i'm sorry please forgive me, believe me if you would
because i cared way more
because i really felt that you felt so much more i know
i'm sorry please forgive me, believe me if you would
i'm sorry please forgive me, believe me if you could
i'm sorry please forgive me, believe me if you would
i'm sorry please forgive me, believe me if you could
believe me if you could
i cant really sum it up any better than those two songs. ugh. sometimes i get so mad at myself it makes me irritated. i just hope this black-hole of suckiness doesnt continue. ugh. suckfest? more like suck-stickles... goo
ok... pece out...
Tee-stickles out...