Z, the marriage that almost was
When I was in my 20's, I was in the Peace Corps. (Since this is a public entry I won't name the country, because it is small and not many volunteers went there.) We had something like 10 weeks of training as a big group before we got sent off to our villages for our assignments. The mood of training was a mix of "holy shit this is really happening i am going to live in a undeveloped country for two years" and "holy shit there's a bunch of mostly 20 year olds with a government stipend so let's party!!". In the name of cultural learning I drank imported beer and local moonshine, broke my hotel's curfew, and partied as much as I could. During that time I met Z.
Z was older than me. He knew more about our country than I did, and he walked around with confidence. We started doing everything together. EVERYTHING. My other volunteer friends thought he was a total douchebag and told me anytime he wasn't around. They couldn't understand what I could see in him, and I would always say "You just don't really know Z". Funny how being so close to a situation makes YOU the one that is not able to see.
It came time for village placements and Z had a plan for us to be assigned to the same village. "We just have to get engaged, and then they have to place us together." Which is true. I remember the day that he asked me, in a random dirt parking lot, with a crappy local ring made of wood or something. The other volunteers were walking towards us but couldn't hear what was going on, and he was pressuring me to make a decision before they arrived. I told myself "It's just getting engaged." (What?!?) So I said yes with a twisted feeling in my gut that I tried to ignore.
We got placed in the same village, but couldn't live together because we weren't actually married yet. (Very traditional country) As we got trained we continued to do everything together, and I finally started to see him for the douchebag he really was. The sound of my mother panicking on the phone, stating that she WOULD do the 18 hour flight to meet him before we got married, made me really put things in perspective. Finally I broke it off with him, and he ended up dropping out of the Peace Corps a few weeks later and moving back to the States.
Fast forward to yesterday, when I get caught on Facebook by one of my Peace Corps friends and we start chatting. "Remember Z?" he says. "Remember how he wanted you to baptize him?" (True) "Remember how he ambushed you to take him back at the office?" (Also true) My friend and I are laughing and telling Z stories when I feel a little twisting feeling in my stomach again and I write to my friend:
"I never told Ryan about Z. Do you think I should tell him?"
UGH. Why did I make so many stupid decisions when I was younger? What the hell was I thinking? And worse, why haven't I come clean about this to Ryan?
I am divided about whether 3 years of omission is worse, or admitting that I was engaged to a complete idiot was worse. For what it's worth, my Peace Corps friend encouraged me to tell him in a low-key way, because Z stories are hilarious, and Ryan is okay with my divorce so why would he have a problem with me being engaged? I feel like the entire situation reflects badly on me. I hate keeping secrets and I hate thinking about what a stupid fucking decision I once made in a moment of homesickness and co-dependency.
I know I have to tell him. But I can't figure out how or when. More the how part, because how do you casually say "Oh by the way, 10 years ago I was engaged to a guy I never told you about"? HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP