하루 하루
Title: 하루 하루 (day by day)
Author: death_note13
Pairing(s): Akame and like..barely there Jin/Maki
Rating: PG-13 ♥ (for Jin's languge and for the slight mention of sex)
Genre: angst, romance
Beta' by: myself >.<
Disclaimer: I don't own the people used in this fiction nor do I own the title, Big Bang does~
Summary: Sometimes, the first step to getting better is admiting you have a problem
Warning: alcoholism
Author Note: This...thing is long >.< ugh. I've never had so much fun writing something like this...ever. It's a little choppy in some areas, the tenses change from present to past tense like woah...but it flows really nicely...or well, it does to me.
Also, the italics denote flashbacks, unless it's in the middle of a non-italicized text block...then it denotes thoughts.
The story takes place in 2012. Kazuya is 26, Tomohisa is 27 and Jin is 28.
==
“Hello, my name is Kazuya and I’m an alcoholic.”
He cleared his throat, looking at the friendly faces around him, smiling a little when they all greeted him back.
“I’ve been an alcoholic for three years…” he said, trailing off, “…and because of alcohol, it ruined my life…”
The room was quiet.
“I use to be really famous in Japan…an idol…” he closed his eyes, “I had everything I needed; family, friends and a good life…but…it just wasn’t enough…”
There were slight murmurs.
“I was-am-in love with my best friend…my band mate…but he’s straight.” He laughed pitifully, “Or at least I think he is. I didn’t stay in Japan long enough to find out.”
The room went quiet again, and Kazuya was glad for that.
“…and at one time, I thought he felt the same I did…but he didn’t…and that…that’s what made me turn to alcohol…”
--
Kazuya bit his lip, “Hey, Jin…look, I’m bored…how about we go get something to eat?” he slapped himself, “That sounded stupid…how hard is it to ask someone out?”
“Hey Kame!”
It’s always Kame…he thought sadly, “Hey Jin…”
“You wanna go get drinks tonight? We can go to that new place that just opened~”
He felt himself smile, “Sure…uhm, what time?”
“About eight?”
Kazuya nodded, still not believing the other man had asked him.
“See you then Kame~” he said before exiting the room.
The younger felt a pang go through his heart at the unfamiliarity of the other.
-
“He’s late…” Kazuya muttered, standing outside his apartment building, heavily disguised, the cool night air blowing back the strands of his hair that was visible under his hat.
He waited for over and hour, when finally, his cell phone rang. His eyes lit up when he recognized Jin’s number, flipping it open, he answered, “Jin?”
“Shit, Kame, I’m sorry…I totally forgot…and…” his end was breaking up, “…I’ll mak…e… it up…you…”
His eyebrows furrowed, “Jin? I can hardly hear you, where are you at?”
There was a giggle in the background and hushed whispering, that even though the connection seemed to break, he could hear it loud and clear.
“Fuck…” Jin’s dazed voice rang over the speaker, “I’ll call you back later man…I have…things to do…” he said, hanging up.
He didn’t even wait for Kazuya to respond.
--
“So…after that, I went home and found a twelve pack in my refrigerator and got drunk that night.”
The session ended after that. He was promised that he could speak again next session and that he didn’t have to come every other day unless he felt the urge to drink again.
Sighing, he collapsed on his bed, body tired; head pounding as he tried to will away the want for an alcoholic drink.
--
The next few sessions he skips and the days blur, as did the weeks and soon…it was nearing Christmas.
He sighed, sitting on the balcony, bottle of water sitting on the banister; cigarette held between two fingers as he inhaled the smoke.
He remembers three years ago, when they were still a band, when they released the single together…White Xmas… …the tune still haunts him…
He snuffs the cigarette out, flicking it over the banister into the empty street.
Kazuya swears that he can hear the haunting introduction echoing through the streets.
--
It’s after New Years when Kazuya finally goes back to the AA meetings. He decides to let loose everything that’s bothering him and just put it all behind him.
He takes a confident step into the building and goes to the designated room, head held high.
As he walks in, he notices that the twins had left; foreign just like him, both binge drinkers; he felt a bit better as he noticed that some of the chairs had been empty this time…maybe there was hope.
--
“The beer, after a while, it didn’t get me as drunk as usual…so I started drinking harder stuff…mostly vodka or sake, then I’d drink more and more…but…I never thought I had a problem…I drank at home…and barely went out to drink…so it was okay…or so I thought…”
--
Kazuya stumbled into the practice room.
“What happened to you Kame?” Yuichi asked, helping the younger sit down.
He smiled up at Yuichi, “Nothing Maru…” Kazuya says, strained smile on his face.
“If you say so…”
Kazuya feels sick to his stomach, and he stands, stumbling once more out of the room and to a bathroom.
The other five watch him pitifully as he nearly trips over nothing.
--
“Things started going downhill from there…” he says, pulling his feet up into the chair, resting his head on his knees, “…and one day, it got really bad…”
--
“Kamenashi, we can’t take much more of this.” He says his voice flat and patient, “You’ve come to practice four times drunk in the past week.”
Kazuya feels a surge of anger shoot through him, “And yet you let pictures of Akanishi surrounded by whores spread around the internet.”
Johnny sighed patiently, “You’re destroying your image-”
“You mean; I’m destroying your image; this stupid image that everyone’s fucking perfect. Yet, you let some immature idiot trek around in Los Angeles for six months getting drunk and partying!”
Another sigh, “Kamenashi, that’s in the past now. Akanishi is back here and we’re focused on you now. So you better straighten up your act because you’re only getting one chance after this.”
“You think that just because you say it’s over, it’s over? Well, it’s not. And one more chance? Screw that. I quit.”
“Now, Kamenashi, let’s think logically about this…”
He stood up, shoving the chair out of the way as he glared down at the old man, “Logically? There is nothing logical about this whole damn business. All it is is for you to turn us into your brainless minions and make money off of us. Well, you can tell the rest of KAT-TUN and whoever the hell else you want that I’m tired of this.” He walked to the door, placing his hand on the door knob, he turned it, “As of today, I officially resign from Johnny’s Entertainment.”
--
“Immediately after that, I bought a plane ticket to America…I…I couldn’t stay in Japan after that…”
--
The airport was in a buzz as rumors of Kamenashi Kazuya’s sudden resignation were spread. The press conference was televised; some stupid made up rumor on why KAT-TUN was suddenly put on a non-permanent hiatus.
As Kazuya stood in line, waiting to board his flight, he was empty…he felt nothing inside him.
--
“The first few months in LA were hard…I had to use some of my money for the basic necessities…a place to stay, food, clothes…but that all didn’t matter…the only thing that mattered was whether or not I had alcohol to get me through the night…”
The murmurs were back.
“So…I spent half of the money I had on alcohol…and lived out of a small grungy apartment for two years…now…when I look back, I realized how stupid I was…and I regret it…” he paused, willing the tears away, “I…I just want to go back to my old life…” he whispered, burying his face in his knees.
The other people clapped, all had smiles on their faces and tears in their eyes.
The mentor stood up and walked over to Kazuya, kneeling down in front of him, “Congratulations Kazuya.”
Sniffling, he looked up into the man’s gentle green eyes, “W…what…?”
“You’ve come to understand your problem. Understanding that you have a problem with alcohol and that you want to fix it…you’re on your way to recovery.”
For the first time in months, Kazuya smiles, a real and genuine smile.
--
The first thing that Kazuya does when he gets back to his apartment is call the only person he’d kept in touch with ever since he’d left.
“Hey, Pi…” he starts off, slow, thinking over the words he should say, should he say that he understood what was wrong or…he shook his head, that wouldn’t work. He’d tried that before, but somehow Tomohisa had known he was lying…
--
“Hey Pi, I’m cured!” he said happily, balancing a bottle of Heineken on his knee as he sat in the living room.
There was a sigh, “Kazuya…stop lying to me. You’ve only been going to the AA meetings for two weeks. I know you’re not cured. You don’t have to lie to me.”
“No…I’m fine. No more alcohol for me…” he said, wincing when his voice cracked; he’d always had a problem lying to Tomohisa.
“No, you’re not. You’re drinking right now, aren’t you? You’re drinking when you just told me you stopped.”
He bit his lip, “No…Pi…”
“Don’t call me again until you’ve really stopped.” He hung up.
--
“Kazuya…” came the other man’s voice, he sounded a bit surprised, “I haven’t talked to you in…”
“Three years. I know.”
The line was silent except for their breathing.
“What do you need?”
He took a deep breath, “I…I’m clean.”
“Kazuya…don’t lie…please…”
He bit his lip, opening his refrigerator, a six pack of Heineken sat on the top shelf, he eyed the bottles, “Hey Pi…listen…I have a six back here, alright? Glass bottles…none of them are opened…so just listen…okay?” he didn’t wait for the other to answer, but instead, put the phone on speaker and placed it on the counter. Setting the beer down beside the phone, he picked up one of the green bottles and held it in his hand, the perspiration making it slippery.
“Kame, what are you doing? Are you still there? You better not be drinking again!”
Taking a deep breath, he held the bottle over the sink, ignoring how his mind kept telling him to take it back and open it, “Listen Pi…”
He opened his hand, watching as the bottle fell from his grip and dropped into the stainless steel sink, shattering.
“Kazuya! What was that?”
A smile spread across his face, “That…was the sound of me getting better Pi…”
He did it again, feeling giddiness spread through him as he watched the liquid go down the drain, green glass littering the sink.
“Kame…Kazuya…I…” there was hesitation, then, a laugh, “I knew you’d get better.”
Kazuya smiled widely, “Thank you…” his smile dropped, “I…I want to come back…”
“You mean…come back to Japan?”
He licked his lips, going to sit at the table, “Yeah….there’s….there’s nothing for me over here anymore…I only came over here to drink in peace…and now…I don’t need that…so…”
“When are you coming?” Pi asked barely masked excitement in his voice.
Kazuya traced shapes in the table top, “I was thinking of catching a plane tonight, but…I don’t have an apartment…or reservations…”
“You can stay here! I mean…three people might be a bit tight, but we can make it work.”
He but his lip, “If you’re sure…? I wouldn’t want to impose…”
“I am~ we’ll be glad to have you back.”
--
He inhaled, pulling the beanie over his hair more; sure, he’d changed it within the three years that he’d been gone, but, fans had that odd perception of finding out undercover idols-or ex-idols-in his case.
Like Jin…his mind supplied, remembering when that whole deal with Nishiyama Maki went down and the paparazzi were all over them; how Jin would ask him for relationship advice…
--
“Hey, Kame~”
Kazuya looked up from the magazine, “Yeah?”
“I need some help…” he started off, looking down at the floor, “You see…I’m not…”
“…not sure what to get Maki for Christmas?”
Jin laughed nervously, “Yeah…I mean; I don’t want to seem cheap…or seem like I have too much money…”
Rubbing the back of his neck, Kazuya sat the magazine down, “She seems sensible…maybe a nice romantic night with just the two of you? Because you two barely get to see each other and Christmas is for lovers…” he trailed off, looking down at the magazine again.
“Thanks Kame~” he said happily, squeezing the younger’s shoulder before leaving the room.
“Yeah…no problem…” he mutters, feeling slight jealousy well up inside him.
--
He sighed, checking his phone, the time showing it to be twenty minutes after two in the afternoon.
Looking around, he couldn’t spot Tomohisa anywhere, so, he waited.
--
Thirteen minutes later-not that he was counting-Kazuya saw a black car pull up in front of him, the door slowly opened, and he allowed a small smile to cross his face, “Pi…”
Tomohisa smiled back, stepping closer to Kazuya, he reached out, “You look well…”
“Are you kidding me?” Kazuya asked, embracing the older, “I feel like shit.”
A laugh escaped his throat, “It’s good to have you back Kame…It’s really good.”
Kazuya inhaled, “It’s good to be back…” he pulled back, “So…how have you been?”
Tomohisa picked up one of Kazuya’s bags, taking it to the car, “Fine…NEWS is still together…” he trailed off hesitantly, feeling like he’d hit a sore spot with the younger.
Kazuya just smiled, “That’s good. Congratulations. You think that if I’d have stayed, KAT-TUN would still be together?”
He chuckled, “Possibly.”
“How are the others?” Kazuya asked suddenly, his smile dropping.
Tomohisa took the other bag from him, “Get in, we’ll talk about it on the way to the apartment.”
--
After about ten minutes, Tomohisa began, “Ueda quit Johnny’s also.”
“What?” Kazuya asked, surprised.
Licking his lips, he focused on the road, “After you’d left Japan, Johnny wanted to replace you…he couldn’t let his money outlet die, after all.” He said bitterly, “Ueda…he wouldn’t have that…he told Johnny to let them go solo…but you know how stubborn he is, he wouldn’t…and told Ueda that either he could cooperate or he’d receive a pay cut…” Tomohisa laughed, “Like that affected him. That very day…just three days after you’d left, Ueda said that he was resigning also…”
Kazuya felt a pang go through him, “So…it’s my fault…?”
“Well, I’m sure if you ask Ueda about it, he’d say he was glad he left…he decided to pursue a Broadway career…” Tomohisa shook his head, “He also writes songs for Junno on the side…”
He bit his lip, “How is he?”
“Who, Junno? He’s doing fine. He’s more active as a solo artist…he’s still a Johnny’s and he manages a junior group at the same time…he stays pretty busy these days, but he keeps in touch with KAT-TUN” except you…
Kazuya nodded, “I see…what about Maru?”
“He stayed in Johnny’s also…but he doesn’t perform. He’s like Junno in a sense, but he just manages a junior group. He still hosts radio shows with Koki though, those two are inseparable…which is why Koki’s still in Johnny’s also.”
“What does he do?”
Tomohisa chuckled, “Just about everything he use to…except he’s solo, he writes his own songs, has forgone acting and hosts radio shows with Maru on the weekends.”
Kazuya laughed a little, “They all seem happy, yeah?”
Tomohisa nodded, “Yeah…they are. But they’d be even happier if they knew you were back…”
The car went quiet for a few minutes, then, hesitantly, Kazuya spoke up.
“How’s Jin doing?”
The older sighed, “Well…he was engaged to be married last year.”
Kazuya looked up at him, “To whom?”
Tomohisa bit his lip, “Maki.”
He felt another pang go through him; the feelings were still there…
“But…they never got married.” He said, “Jin wanted kids, but she didn’t…and he wanted to get married after he was sure they could support each other, but she wanted to get married right away…so, they agreed to end it there.”
Kazuya stayed silent.
“He quit Johnny’s too…”
He looked up, “Really?”
“After you left…you know Jin’s freewill spirit…he decided that…well…he’d do better away from the entertainment world. He’s really happy doing what he’s doing now…it gives him a chance to be with children.” He pulled up into the parking deck of the apartment and turned the car off, “Let’s go.” He said, pushing the door open and getting out.
Kazuya grinned slightly, following the older; “He’d always wanted to be around kids…” he trailed off wistfully.
“Yeah, he should be home right about now…actually…” Tomohisa trailed off, a sly smirk on his face.
Kazuya’s grin dropped; the statement sinking in, “Why you…” he said, shoving the door open and getting out, chasing the other up the pathway towards the apartments.
For the first time in years, he felt carefree again.
--
Kazuya stood nervously at the door as Tomohisa searched for the right key, suitcase in his hand as he watched the other stick the key into the lock and slowly turn it.
“Ready?”
He nodded, shifting the plain suitcase from his left hand to his right, “Let’s go.”
--
As they stepped into the apartment, Kazuya looked around the place, amazed at how clean it was; “I thought that you’d mess it up…” he trailed off, a chuckle escaping his throat, “You always use to call me to clean your kitchen for you.”
Tomohisa grinned, “Yeah…but who says I do the cleaning?” he pointed to the kitchen, “I’m still the same person you know…just older.”
“I believe it.” He said, “I suppose you want me here so I can clean for you?” he asked as Tomohisa led him to the guest bedroom.
He shook his head, “Nah. Actually, it’d be nice for you to lay low around here for a while…and just…get back into the swing of things…the press’ll go crazy when they hear about you being back.” He stopped, “…and Jin’s missed you.” Tomohisa pushed the door open, “Here’s the room…if you don’t like the color, you can paint it…” he set the other suitcase on the ground.
“I like it.” Kazuya said, looking around at the creamy beige walls, “The color flows nicely…” he looked around the room once more, “…can we get something to eat…or maybe I could cook for you? I haven’t done that in a long time.”
Tomohisa smiled widely, wrapping an arm around the younger man, “I think that would be a good idea.” He said, leading the younger man out of the room and to the kitchen.
--
Kazuya inhaled, “It’s been three years since I’ve cooked Japanese food…” he said hesitating, “I might not be able to make it that good anymore…”
Tomohisa laughed, “Just make something simple.”
--
Thirty minutes later, the food was set out on the table and Kazuya sat down across from Tomohisa, “So…?” he asked as Tomohisa tried the food.
“It’s a little bland…but then again; you’ve always had that problem.” He teased, “It’s good Kame…I missed your cooking…” he swallowed the mouthful, “And you too…so has Jin, even if he doesn’t act like it.”
--
Kazuya didn’t meet Jin until later that night, after the dishes had been washed and put away, and the extra food had been put in the microwave for the other man living in the apartment.
His heart started to race as he heard the front door open, the sound of a heavy bag hitting the floor, as presumably, the other had dropped his stuff in exhaustion; he chanced a look at the clock, it was after eight…and from what Tomohisa had said, the other had been out since eight that morning.
Licking his lips, he turned away from the doorway, concentrating on scrubbing the inside of the dirty oven, sponge soaked with water and oven cleaner.
He vaguely heard Tomohisa and Jin conversing in the living room, and the sound of something hitting the table and a slightly exhaustion slurred curse as Jin, presumably hit his shin on the low coffee table.
Kazuya laughed quietly to himself, that’s Jin for you…he thought, flashing back to the times when Jin would either run into something solid or trip over his feet.
He shook his head, concentrating on getting the baked in grease out of the bottom of the oven, the racks sitting in the sink soaking; the smell of lemon-y oven cleaner wafting around him.
Kazuya’s not aware that anyone’s in the kitchen with him, lost in his own world, until he hears a surprised gasp and he freezes when he hears him.
“Kame?”
Gulping nervously, he looks up, biting his lip to keep the gasp from escaping his throat. He can hardly breathe.
“Wh…when did you get back?” the older whispers, voice shaky.
His lips tremble, “Tonight…I…I just came back…” he sets the sponge down, pushing himself up, facing the older man.
Jin stands there for a moment, eyes taking in the length of Kazuya’ body before he surges forward, arms wrapping around him in a tight hug, “I missed you…” he whispers into the younger’s hair, voice tinted in desperation.
“I missed you too Jin…” he mutters back, clinging to the older, to his past, his friend, Jin; the same person that asked him for advice, the same Jin that he’d harbored feeling for all this time…
He hears Jin exhale shakily, “Where have you been?”
“Pi didn’t tell you?” he asked, surprise coloring his voice, hands griping Jin’s shirt even tighter.
He sniffs, “No, he didn’t. You just left man…I mean left…” he says, “Why would you do that? I mean…whatever was the problem; we could have worked through it…”
Kazuya shook his head, “We couldn’t have…I…” he trailed off, “I was messed up…nothing that Maru or Ueda…or even Koki and Junno could have said that would have gotten me from that hole…nothing.” He said, closing his eyes.
“I couldn’t have?” Jin asked in a small voice.
Kazuya looked up at him, “What?’
“Fuck Kame…Kazuya…you’re my fucking best friend…you can talk to me about anything…whatever it was that was-is-bothering you…you could have told me.” Jin seemed slightly hysterical, “You’re not supposed to be the coward here…trekking around LA…damn it Kame, that’s what I did…you’re not suppose to follow in my footsteps.”
Kazuya opened his mouth to protest, but was cut off when Jin started speaking again.
“Do you know how fucking worried we were? It took weeks for us to finally get Pi to tell us you’d left for LA…why couldn’t you have at least called one of us?” he sighed, tired, “We care about you…I care about you…”
His heart started beating faster, “Jin…”
“Let me finish Kame…” he said, holding the other tighter, “You’re my friend…I know that I ignored you a little when Maki and me dated…but I would have dropped whatever I was doing to talk to you…all you had to do was ask…” he said, taking a deep breath, “…hell, if I was in the middle of having sex with Maki and you’d called, I would have stopped to talk to you…”
Kazuya gulped, he felt trapped again, like he always did when he was around the older, “Jin…look…I couldn’t stay…I needed help. It was my idea, but Pi helped me the most…he’s the one who made the call to rehab and got me checked in…” he said, feeling Jin stiffen.
“Rehab?”
Almost shamefully, he nodded, “All those times I came into practice…out of it? Remember those?” he felt Jin nod, “I was a fucking alcoholic Jin…” he muttered, “I had a problem that being here, in Japan, wouldn’t fix…”
“You could have told me Kame…” he sighed, “Kazu…you know I care about you…and damn it…you’ve always been there for me…so why couldn’t you let me be there for you?”
He bit his lip, “I’m sorry Jin…so sorry…I didn’t…”
“Shut up. Don’t apologize to me…just tell me, what made you do that? What was so bad that you had to turn to alcohol?”
He closed his eyes, “If I told you, you’d hate me.”
“I wouldn’t…I could never hate you…you’re too special to me…”
You’re special to me too Jin…only in a different way…
“Does this have anything to do with Maki?”
Kazuya stayed silent.
“Nod if it does…help me out a little bit here Kame…”
He hesitantly nodded.
“Did you like her?”
Kazuya shook his head.
They stayed silent; Kazuya still wrapped in the older’s embrace.
Finally, Jin spoke, “Did you like me?” it came out quietly, his voice barely echoing off the walls, but Kazuya heard him.
He trembled and hesitantly nodded.
“Fuck.” Jin sighed, “Kame…you could have told me…I don’t know why you didn’t…it’s not like I would have beat you or anything…”
Kazuya looked up at him, “Then what would you have done.”
Jin pulled away, shoving his hands in his pockets, “Kame…I don’t know what I would have done…but it would have saved you three years of pain…”
He looked down, “I’m sorry.”
“Stop apologizing. There’s no need to.” He sat down, “This is all fucked up…” he muttered.
Kazuya nodded, “Look…I can leave tomorrow…I mean, find a place to stay…if this is awkward…”
“Damn it…the last thing I want you to do is leave…but…Kame…I…can’t return your feelings.”
He nodded sadly, “I understand,” he turned to leave the room.
“Listen to me stupid.” Jin said, annoyed, grabbing onto the younger’s wrist, “I can’t return them because it’s been three fucking years since we even had any kind of relationship…” he looked down at the younger’s shaking hand, “If…” he sighed, not able to find the words, “If we want to do this properly…we’ll have to start over…”
Kazuya looked at Jin, “Really?”
He looked up, “I can’t guarantee that I’ll get the same feelings as you have anytime soon…but…maybe in the future…we could try…”
For the first time since he’d been back in Japan, he felt true happiness.
Jin let go of Kazuya hand, and stood in front of him, “My name’s Akanishi Jin…what’s yours?”
Kazuya’s eyebrow arched, wondering what the other was doing, “Kamenashi Kazuya…”
A silly grin broke out across Jin’s face as he held his hand out, “Nice to meet you…” he grabbed the younger’s hand, shaking it.
Kazuya chuckled, finally catching onto what the older man was doing, “Nice to meet you too,” he said, informally, much like he did back when he and Jin first met, “I hope we can be friends.”
“Me too.” Jin said before pulling Kazuya into another hug, “Me too…”
“We will…friends forever…” Kazuya pulled away, reaching down to grab Jin’s hand, “Pinky promise.”
Sometimes, starting over is the best way to end something.
-Anonymous
==
This fic...it took me forever to write it >.< but seriously. It's my favorite out of all the ones I've written...and I feel truly happy about this one. ♥
Uhm...I don't know what else to say about it >.<
the quote at the end...it's something we read in a quote book at school...so yeah ♥
Uhm, comments and feedback are greatly appreciated...this style is very new to me, so, any thoughts? 8D
Damn, just realized...there's so much I could add to this... uhm...maybe I sequel spanning thier relationship? ...what do you guys think?
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