If I were a Vampire
If I were a vampire, here are some things I would do:
Make more omelettes. You never see vampires eating omelettes.
Keep a gameboy in my coffin, for killing those daylight hours when I'm not tired.
Throw a surprise birthday party for my antediluvian vampire friends and make them wear one of those silly party hats. Maybe have a guy dressed as a werewolf jump out of the cake. And one of those big cheesy banners would go up over the banquet table. Happy 682nd, Vlad!
If I got a divorce from my vampire wife, I'd probably make jokes about how she "sucked me dry."
Start up a child-care service for vampires with kids. Call it nightcare.
Join a cult and stick with it until the mass suicide, and then after everyone drinks the kool-aid, I'd be all "surprise, I'm actually a vampire and immune to poison." Sure they'd be mad, but they'd laugh about it later, and I could probably keep all their stuff.
If I were on a group vampire outing for blood and we descended on a pack of unsuspecting humans, I'd probably try to miss a major artery at first, so that I could say something like "oh fiddlesticks," and try to make my vampire colleagues laugh so hard that blood came out of their noses.
Take up a career as a rapper named D.J. Vampizzle, MC of the Damned.
Make more omelettes. You never see vampires eating omelettes.
Keep a gameboy in my coffin, for killing those daylight hours when I'm not tired.
Throw a surprise birthday party for my antediluvian vampire friends and make them wear one of those silly party hats. Maybe have a guy dressed as a werewolf jump out of the cake. And one of those big cheesy banners would go up over the banquet table. Happy 682nd, Vlad!
If I got a divorce from my vampire wife, I'd probably make jokes about how she "sucked me dry."
Start up a child-care service for vampires with kids. Call it nightcare.
Join a cult and stick with it until the mass suicide, and then after everyone drinks the kool-aid, I'd be all "surprise, I'm actually a vampire and immune to poison." Sure they'd be mad, but they'd laugh about it later, and I could probably keep all their stuff.
If I were on a group vampire outing for blood and we descended on a pack of unsuspecting humans, I'd probably try to miss a major artery at first, so that I could say something like "oh fiddlesticks," and try to make my vampire colleagues laugh so hard that blood came out of their noses.
Take up a career as a rapper named D.J. Vampizzle, MC of the Damned.