severely disjointed thoughts
Today was Dia de Profesor. I expected no recognition since it's Duoc and I'd be lucky to get a GLANCE from the students while I'm lecturing the many rules about participles. I was therefore surprised to see a student bring me a flower (granted, it was one of those weed flowers, but still very pretty), and the entire class wrote me a card and signed their names. It made me smile the entire way home.
I got home and worked on my Julie piece. And I grew frustrated and angry with myself to attempting this. I'm now afraid that this entire piece is self-indulgent 100% and that really I'm just being redundant and meaningless in my rants. I feel less connected to my feelings (ha, now that sounds like irony of some type), and I feel like I'm trying to exploit her death for potential selfish gain that, frankly, probably won't amount to anything anyway. I'm losing touch with the emotions. The rawness that I had so initially prided myself in is completely gone. I'm analytical and dry, and I still miss my friend.
I wish I were home. It would be about now that I'd start rummaging through old photos of her from as early as first grade. I can't do that here. Everything I have of her is via digital camera, and I didn't take enough pictures of her as I wish. I want to remember what it felt like to sit next to each other in English in 7th grade because honestly I feel like I'm losing those memories. I'm forgetting what she was to me, and that scares me. And I feel like writing this piece is making it more and more difficult to stay connected, even though the whole point was to complete this FOR her. And I'm losing touch with my goal.
It makes me wish it were easier to contact people from home. I talk to them pretty frequently online, but it's not the same as a face-to-face, real discussion. And it's hard to throw out there "hey, by the way, have you been thinking about Julie lately?" I have to be careful not to remind them of what we've lost, even though that's obviously stupid, and I know that even as I type it. I just miss the real heart-to-hearts. I need that.
The days are longer, which makes life feel infinitely fuller, which makes me feel more productive. I think the good weather is going to be well-received...until it starts getting too hot and the metros get crowded and I get nauseous. But for now, I'm enjoying the weather for what it is. And I'm enjoying the days for what they are. And I feel so back-and-forth about so many things, but I'm choosing to accept the confusion and let it swallow me. That's what we're supposed to be doing at this age anyway, right? Embrace confusion?
I'll continue to believe that...
I got home and worked on my Julie piece. And I grew frustrated and angry with myself to attempting this. I'm now afraid that this entire piece is self-indulgent 100% and that really I'm just being redundant and meaningless in my rants. I feel less connected to my feelings (ha, now that sounds like irony of some type), and I feel like I'm trying to exploit her death for potential selfish gain that, frankly, probably won't amount to anything anyway. I'm losing touch with the emotions. The rawness that I had so initially prided myself in is completely gone. I'm analytical and dry, and I still miss my friend.
I wish I were home. It would be about now that I'd start rummaging through old photos of her from as early as first grade. I can't do that here. Everything I have of her is via digital camera, and I didn't take enough pictures of her as I wish. I want to remember what it felt like to sit next to each other in English in 7th grade because honestly I feel like I'm losing those memories. I'm forgetting what she was to me, and that scares me. And I feel like writing this piece is making it more and more difficult to stay connected, even though the whole point was to complete this FOR her. And I'm losing touch with my goal.
It makes me wish it were easier to contact people from home. I talk to them pretty frequently online, but it's not the same as a face-to-face, real discussion. And it's hard to throw out there "hey, by the way, have you been thinking about Julie lately?" I have to be careful not to remind them of what we've lost, even though that's obviously stupid, and I know that even as I type it. I just miss the real heart-to-hearts. I need that.
The days are longer, which makes life feel infinitely fuller, which makes me feel more productive. I think the good weather is going to be well-received...until it starts getting too hot and the metros get crowded and I get nauseous. But for now, I'm enjoying the weather for what it is. And I'm enjoying the days for what they are. And I feel so back-and-forth about so many things, but I'm choosing to accept the confusion and let it swallow me. That's what we're supposed to be doing at this age anyway, right? Embrace confusion?
I'll continue to believe that...