Miscarriage and jealousy
and why I can't just move on, or stop.
Ok I have whined about this before - but I am going to do it again. I am STILL so incredibly bummed out that I had my MC 10 months ago. Really - I can't get over it, and every time I think that I am doing better - something sets me back.
Lets talk about "Lisa". I confided in Lisa back in July about my MC - she confided in me that she too had had one shortly after mine. Instead of making me feel better- I felt WORSE. I guess I was looking for some pity, not commiseration. ALso she was rather clinical about her loss. Clinical to me - what she was feeling, this I can not say. She may not have cared - she could have been completely torn up, I don't know and I can't judge her for her outward expression. Honestly it would have helped me if there were some tears. I just personally am so affected by this, and I can't seem to shake it.
Not so long ago I went to a dinner with friends and Lisa - I KNEW she was pregnant that night - I just knew it. I found out later on via husband, and then got slapped with it again on FB with pictures of her and her husband looking so happy - giving their FB pregnancy announcement. My husband took the pictures.... never warned me, never mentioned that he was taking them. I feel betrayed.
Lisa and her husband are so happy that they are pregnant - and rightfully so. To her everlasting credit she doesnt post about it constantly, and has been polite to me. Her husband generally talks about it more than she does. They are so excited and happy.
I. am. MISERABLE.
EVERY TIME she posts a picture, or that I run into her in town. I get so upset. I am not mad at her. Jealous, yes. Sad oh such a big yes. Why cant I be pregnant too. After all, I have been with my husband longer, been married longer, been trying longer, been WANTING it for WAAAAY longer (7 years now)
I ran into her the other day with my husband. I admit I saw her in the hallway and I avoided her surreptitiously. It is so hard not to stare at her beautiful belly, and I feel like she can see right through my congrats, to how sad I am. I don't want her knowing how sad I am, and how seeing her glowing and looking beautiful and content just rips my heart out. I am happy for her. I really am. And I would wish her and her family NO HARM, only happiness. I just cant see it right now, because I am not happy. I am miserable. It cant be said enough. Poor Lisa, my idiot husband took me down the hall - the one I had avoided earlier - straight into her and her friend she was chatting with. She said hi, and told me how the baby was kicking now, and how she was having some issues (of which I am not surprised - I think they are non harmful, - I hope so - she deserves happiness but still a worry for her) I was all "Oh that's great!" But I could hear the shrillness in my own voice. How could she not. After I pulled Matt away - WHY does he insist on hanging around when babies are spoken of... I keep TELLING him how I can't deal. - He is so clueless about this. - WHY DOESN'T HE UNDERSTAND?!?! Why wont he respect this, and protect me from extra pain. after we turned the corner - I asked him why he did that - he swore he didn't know they were there. I actually froze when I saw he was heading down that way.
honestly I think Lisa knows now, and I think she is upset with me. I don't know how to talk to her or IF I should talk to her. The last time we bumped into each other - she seemed grumpy - well she is preggo it could have NOTHING to do with me - but as an overly co-dependant individual I think it is my fault automatically.
So today my hubby tells me it is a girl. I nearly start crying. Then I get on FB and see her photo, and her announcement, - I have been bawling ever since. I esp have/had been wanting a girl. I am just beside myself. Just sobbing, and I cant talk to anyone about this. I dont know what to do.
What if I do/dont get an invite to her shower? How can I go? How can I not go? I dont want to hurt her, but every time I even think about it/see anything about it I just cant stop crying. God I can't even think of socializing with her after the baby is born - I know I will hold her, and just start sobbing and never stop. How horrific for her. But avoiding her will hurt her too.
Also all this avoiding her while she is pregnant - I am shooting myself in the foot. No one will want to be around me when and if my time ever comes (though I am increasingly loosing hope) I live so far away from friends and family, I will have no one around. I feel all mothers should be rather worshiped, and I feel guilty I cant pay homage too.
Last month I got my fucking period ON my would-have-been-due-date. OH and a nasty case of BV thanks for nothing universe. It was a horrific period too. By the way, this was also thanksgiving DAY and I was at a friends house.
I thought I might be preggo this month, took a test - looked like a faint positive. Took another still faint. Took 2 this AM, negative as can be. Rip my fucking heart out. I guess I am still not 100% out of the game....but still, I really doubt it now. Then why do my fucking boobs hurt so bad :( This has GOT to go.
don't I deserve a baby too? This is so unfair and I am just still so sad.