Here we go again.... skip this you who Ive known forever.....
Woot! I got my ticket today and on the 29th I will begin the outrageously long bus ride to see The Boy in New Mexico. If you live in New Mexico, do you call yourself a New Mexican, even if youre not Mexican? And what about the old Mexicans? How do they feel about not being New...?
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"Do you suppose love is like gold if it's real
and like gold if it's not...
You know... when it chips
and turns your finger green?"
This is to noone.. and everyone...all my green fingers and the ones that faded...everyone that had a spark that intrigued...
I am going to go on a road trip, circumnavigate the states for the sheer wonderish charm and literary genius of leaving everything behind. And I think under that open sky at those gas stations that take cash only, with my coke and dr pepper, candy addiction living for chance, dusty adventures, and that dear friend of mine, That I am going to evolve, and my heavy heart will stop aching and my obsessions will find a place
by the side of the road and I will light candles there and leave without looking back.
Maybe I will even breathe new air into new lungs I believe if anyone could...
I am no longer fighting transition or screaming at the whole world for taking what I claimed as mine, tempting mewith premonition and love-less kissing.
I am no longer wasted.
I breathe without the assistance of the pansies, knives, secrets we shared, without the deep flutter inside when you touch me, delicate and insane how you saw me.
I adore myself enough to drive the way it is now through to the point where you no longer inspire a broken heart...
My horrible repressions and anger and refusal to budge will soon enough be flicked
out the window a quarter inch at a time along with the ashes from the wrap between my lips.
Please...
without a whole lot of thought during some sunset, find it all and be my magnet....
I called this morning to say I might not be coming home to you...
Not in so many words but I never end up with all my pieces fitting...
If your independence could come sit down on this bench with me...Id tell you Im planning on moving continents to pick myself up, and if any of those things mattered enough to you
Id pick you up and take you anywhere across the atlantic with me or across the plains of this country, wherever it is that plains still exist. Independent travels are beginning.
Still,
I'd like to change your mind, to travel across a glacier, wherever it is that glaciers still exist....
I'd be happier with adventure,a change in climate, a new pair of glasses, or a new pair of eyes, the fine art of corona, lime and chile and lip rings or llamas...
I recoil from sharing myself with another city,when I have shared myself, expansively, here.
And so I know, that this journey is not to climb a pyramid, or to fall for a shadow, but to find home, ( I pray its not in utah or something)
where finally I can relax roots into wet moss and where, hopefully, there is more air to breathe than there was before...
I feel misty.
A change is abrew.
Things are shifting.
People are leaving.
I fear it,because what that means for the friendship that we all share is questionable.
It could be the end, it could be the beginning of something else.
I wonder if they know how much they have effected me and how beautiful that experience is....
How trite I sound right now.
I am a diseased rat.....
Blehhhh....
Right now I have the house to myself and Im going to listen to Duke Ellington and Indigo Swing until the walls shake.....
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"Like a child needs a father, like Alice needs a dick.....
If you don't know babe, you got me tweakin sick....."
Dont deny it... you know its true... ;) Sad but true... Im still waiting to get mine back....
Ohhh....sigh...
I know what you must be thinking and hating me too,
accidents are worth gold,when loss takes over,when spite and doesnt it all seem trivial?
I think about you when I am tired of my -independence-
I think about how you must loathe me and everyone else who turned the other way when they heard the news...
And it doesnt matter how terrible I feel because you undoubtedly feel far worse,and my heart is torn but you, you already knew that...
Maybe I have the wrong number....
I always figured when you replace something, it should be better than the former, and fuck its not.... I know that....
you know that, but pretending is what we do and what else should I expect eh?
I want to hold the world in my hands, wrap it around your neck, and choke you with it...
But I feel as though I stumbled over you,
the way angels stumble over sin and get tangled in their puppet string harnesses that hold them to heaven...
I don't like being bullied into caring about something....
That katie is the sweetest thing to hit me since birthday cake with sprinkles. I think she is super facinating..... Nothing funny.....I just like meeting unprocessed humans....
All wrong..........................
Cant stop here its bat country....
I'm PROCRASTINATOR GIRL!
*laina theme music plays in background*
I wish..... I cant say...So Ill think it...
Im confused and a little hurt by it all... I feel like a pathetic little dog thats been dumped by the side of a remote road....
Theres not a whole lot of anyone I can share thoughts with anymore....