oh my god.
the following is a letter written to me by someone who, up until now, i loved dearly.
============================================
First off, let me describe the focus of this little rant.
you ruined my life.
there, i've said it.
when you 'hooked up' with Rob, or whatever it's called, something inside me died.
no, wait, EVERYTHING inside me died.
you might have thought i was ok. you probably did think that. maybe if you could see the scars on my arm you would understand how much you hurt me.
look, Kate, i loved you. you betrayed me. you're the only person i've ever truly loved. i should have anticipated that day. i should never have let my guard down. i shouldn't have ever allowed myself to become so attached.
look, let me say it bluntly: you ruined me. but it's not that easy, not hardly. you saved my life. i would have taken it that summer if it wasn't for something - someone - like you. i needed that most then. and i won't decieve myself into thinking that anyone else would have been there to save me. so, thank you. but at the same time, i got too attached. everything inside me died when youuuuuuuuuuuu. when.
screw it, when you fucked rob. i died. everything died. you expected me to love you still? i couldn't.
"only in fear and jealousy does love crumble." You said that.
well guess what? i'm a jealous son of a bitch, and i would kill you if i could.
you're just going to say that i listen to too much emo music. whatever.
you, you'll say "but i know, and i love you, sweetie."
that word, that word that made my entire psyche fly on wings, even before i understood that i loved you.
you'll say that, then i'll say "i'm sorry, i was crazy. i didn't mean those things! i still love you."
but that won't happen this time. it's through. i forget. it's over.
i don't know what else to say. as i write this letter, on MADbull. YES, FUCKING MADBULL. IT WAS YOUR FUCKING IDEA and i'm reminded of that blissful night everytime i say it. but changing the name would remind me just as much, and even if it didn't, it would be avoiding a problem that i've been supressing for too long.
no more. it's all got to break wide open.
anyway, as i write this letter, on MADbull, in my bed at night, in school during lunch, with my friends looking at me, telling m e to smile "what's wrong." as usual, i say "nothing. i'm positively MANIC." they're used to that. they know that means that i just don't want to talk. they say "Smile" and leave me alone.
i'd tell them why i'm upset right now, but no one knows you, or about you except Mike. you're my secret.
i want to tell someone, but then again, i'd rather kill you.
waste my hate on youuuuuuuuuuu
i think i'll keep it for myself.
HATE!
wahhhhh i want you. i want you. i want you, dammit!
once again, i'm the confused child and you're the sage, the all-knowing elder. you'll tell me it's ok, wipe off my tears, pick me up and lead me through.
again, dammit. and i'll like it.
no. never again.
it's all got to break
speaking of break, lemme go to the bathroom for a second.
ok. i'm back now. so, where was i? oh, yeah, i have nothing left to say.
wait, one more thing.
i really, really wish things could be back the way they were, but they /can't/. everything's different now. i can't look at your face ever again. it's gone, it can't be the same. i want it, but it's not possible. the best thing either of us can do is forget about it.
she turned away,
what was she looking at?
she was a sour girl the day that she met me.
hey, what are you lookin' at?
she was a happy girl the day that she left me.
turned away, heard you say "Poisoned hearts won't ever change"
turned away, again
that's it, that last one, the AFI song (the Leaving song, pt 1, i think)
that's right. that's why it can't ever happen again: "Poisoned hearts won't ever change" we can't have it again because you'll always be the same. you won't change. what gaurntee can i have that it won't happen again? none. none.
did you ever actually love me? or were you just pretending? was i a plaything, to be tossed out after you became bored with me?
you said "i'll never throw you away"
BUT YOU DID, DAMMIT! you threw me away.
what the hell?
was it my age? is that it? you wanted sex and i couldn't possibly be there for you?
something like that? we had agreed that my age would never interfere with... us... - remember our bold words?
meh
============================================
First off, let me describe the focus of this little rant.
you ruined my life.
there, i've said it.
when you 'hooked up' with Rob, or whatever it's called, something inside me died.
no, wait, EVERYTHING inside me died.
you might have thought i was ok. you probably did think that. maybe if you could see the scars on my arm you would understand how much you hurt me.
look, Kate, i loved you. you betrayed me. you're the only person i've ever truly loved. i should have anticipated that day. i should never have let my guard down. i shouldn't have ever allowed myself to become so attached.
look, let me say it bluntly: you ruined me. but it's not that easy, not hardly. you saved my life. i would have taken it that summer if it wasn't for something - someone - like you. i needed that most then. and i won't decieve myself into thinking that anyone else would have been there to save me. so, thank you. but at the same time, i got too attached. everything inside me died when youuuuuuuuuuuu. when.
screw it, when you fucked rob. i died. everything died. you expected me to love you still? i couldn't.
"only in fear and jealousy does love crumble." You said that.
well guess what? i'm a jealous son of a bitch, and i would kill you if i could.
you're just going to say that i listen to too much emo music. whatever.
you, you'll say "but i know, and i love you, sweetie."
that word, that word that made my entire psyche fly on wings, even before i understood that i loved you.
you'll say that, then i'll say "i'm sorry, i was crazy. i didn't mean those things! i still love you."
but that won't happen this time. it's through. i forget. it's over.
i don't know what else to say. as i write this letter, on MADbull. YES, FUCKING MADBULL. IT WAS YOUR FUCKING IDEA and i'm reminded of that blissful night everytime i say it. but changing the name would remind me just as much, and even if it didn't, it would be avoiding a problem that i've been supressing for too long.
no more. it's all got to break wide open.
anyway, as i write this letter, on MADbull, in my bed at night, in school during lunch, with my friends looking at me, telling m e to smile "what's wrong." as usual, i say "nothing. i'm positively MANIC." they're used to that. they know that means that i just don't want to talk. they say "Smile" and leave me alone.
i'd tell them why i'm upset right now, but no one knows you, or about you except Mike. you're my secret.
i want to tell someone, but then again, i'd rather kill you.
waste my hate on youuuuuuuuuuu
i think i'll keep it for myself.
HATE!
wahhhhh i want you. i want you. i want you, dammit!
once again, i'm the confused child and you're the sage, the all-knowing elder. you'll tell me it's ok, wipe off my tears, pick me up and lead me through.
again, dammit. and i'll like it.
no. never again.
it's all got to break
speaking of break, lemme go to the bathroom for a second.
ok. i'm back now. so, where was i? oh, yeah, i have nothing left to say.
wait, one more thing.
i really, really wish things could be back the way they were, but they /can't/. everything's different now. i can't look at your face ever again. it's gone, it can't be the same. i want it, but it's not possible. the best thing either of us can do is forget about it.
she turned away,
what was she looking at?
she was a sour girl the day that she met me.
hey, what are you lookin' at?
she was a happy girl the day that she left me.
turned away, heard you say "Poisoned hearts won't ever change"
turned away, again
that's it, that last one, the AFI song (the Leaving song, pt 1, i think)
that's right. that's why it can't ever happen again: "Poisoned hearts won't ever change" we can't have it again because you'll always be the same. you won't change. what gaurntee can i have that it won't happen again? none. none.
did you ever actually love me? or were you just pretending? was i a plaything, to be tossed out after you became bored with me?
you said "i'll never throw you away"
BUT YOU DID, DAMMIT! you threw me away.
what the hell?
was it my age? is that it? you wanted sex and i couldn't possibly be there for you?
something like that? we had agreed that my age would never interfere with... us... - remember our bold words?
meh