thats what i get

[tornpearl]

4:30am and zero sleep. thats just what i get for snorting an adderall. i wanted to smoke some green but im dry. i need to get some asap. so i figured doing somthing is better than nothing, so i snorted some adderall. well, i did that at 12 and im not high really anymore. just wide awake. i want to get some fuckin sleep, but it dosent look like thats in my near future. all i can really think about is next weekend and what i will have to do and who i will be with. but i have found how great ben harper is. his music is better than anything i have heard in a long time. it fits me just perfcet right now. my life. even though i know the things i do right now arnt good and can be bad for me. i find it all very intriguing and almost romantic in a drak way. on firday when i was sitting in my friends apparment downtown doing lines of snow in a guy ajs room who i had met that night in a dark room lit by a few candels and a black light with the smell of incence in the air, i thought to myself. wow cass, who the hell know you would be doing this, that this is where your day would end?? i love the fact that most of hte things i do arnt what the norm of the people do, and that in a way its looked down on. i dont know why im drawn to this life. even if i take the time to ask, i dotn really know. i guess it all just feels right.but at the same time i know thats its not right that i dont really care what my dad and brother think about it, i dont let any of what they think stop me, and in a way i know there right. im not scared of trying different drugs to an extent, like with coke. i know its not good, but i dont think twice about it, just the cost of it. i dont see danger when i look at that snow white powder. curious in other drugs to. to see what they are like, what feeling you get. im not saying that im running out and getting a goody bag of drugs, its just that the thought of trying different things intrest me. draws me in. i dont know.
i think its so werid how i am the way i am. i sorta hate to say it. but i love the way i am, even the shit i do. i guess i find it makes my life more intresting and exciting. the day life a dull boreing life is the day i die. you can die with your heart beating. i wont let that happen to me. i think it happend to my dad. and my brother. i dont fit with them, i love them, but dont fit with them. oh goody, im yawning.