Oi vey!!
I'm in the hospital. I fainted the other day in my room and was out for like 20 minutes before my mom came to check on me like she does all the time and found me. It's starting to get soo hard to hold on. I have no energy. The nausea is earth shattering.... i have no appitite anymore, consequently i've lost 15lbs in the past 2 weeks which isnt healthy and i know that. I just can't keep anything down. Sorry to gross everyone out with the details but i really need to vent. i have no idea what i'm going through and neither does anyone else.....i'm so unhappy.
When is this divine moment in life when everyone says "shit will get easier"?????? Someone please tell me? Because i just can't seem to grasp this concept. I moved 3,000 miles for a boy. which divebombed into the ground before it even got off the ground. I had a boy move 3,000 miles to be with me. Craig and I....i honestly don't know what we are....we seem to be stuck. Stuck in this place between uncertainty and greatness. It's like everytime we take two steps forward....we take 840325820 steps back. He told me the other day that basically he doesnt know if we're gonna work out. He is scared of losing me. Scared of the cancer. I need someone more than just my mom and dad. It's like they have it too...they've been dragged through all the deepest puddles i have. Can't i just find someone who will always support me and give me a shoulder to lean on. I just want a support system. A safety net, someone to hold my hand and squeeze it when they see the face i make everytime that needle penetrates my skin. IS HE OUT THERE!?!?!?! I really would love to know. I deserve to know. I miss being safe soooo much and i honestly thought i really was. But now i get hit with this tidal wave. Craig says he moved here b/c he didnt want to lose me again. No he has me but he's afraid to lose me but for other reasons. He wants to be together for a long time but he's afriad that isnt possible. There are never any gaurantees**idkhowtospellitw/e....everyone takes chances every day. I understand it takes an extremely strong person to get over the fact that tomorrow i might not be there with them. For once i wish i could find someone who doesnt guard themselves from me. I want to open someone's heart completely and explore all the depths. I always give 100% and still seem to only receive 25% back. Since when did slacking off qualify as trying. I dont know...i guess i'm just babbling.
I want someone who knows me
and loves me
and loves me because they know me.
I dont want fear in my relationship
I want bravery......
Is there even such a thing????
i dont know
i really dont
anymore
i'm crying out
is anyone listening????
xoxox
amanda
When is this divine moment in life when everyone says "shit will get easier"?????? Someone please tell me? Because i just can't seem to grasp this concept. I moved 3,000 miles for a boy. which divebombed into the ground before it even got off the ground. I had a boy move 3,000 miles to be with me. Craig and I....i honestly don't know what we are....we seem to be stuck. Stuck in this place between uncertainty and greatness. It's like everytime we take two steps forward....we take 840325820 steps back. He told me the other day that basically he doesnt know if we're gonna work out. He is scared of losing me. Scared of the cancer. I need someone more than just my mom and dad. It's like they have it too...they've been dragged through all the deepest puddles i have. Can't i just find someone who will always support me and give me a shoulder to lean on. I just want a support system. A safety net, someone to hold my hand and squeeze it when they see the face i make everytime that needle penetrates my skin. IS HE OUT THERE!?!?!?! I really would love to know. I deserve to know. I miss being safe soooo much and i honestly thought i really was. But now i get hit with this tidal wave. Craig says he moved here b/c he didnt want to lose me again. No he has me but he's afraid to lose me but for other reasons. He wants to be together for a long time but he's afriad that isnt possible. There are never any gaurantees**idkhowtospellitw/e....everyone takes chances every day. I understand it takes an extremely strong person to get over the fact that tomorrow i might not be there with them. For once i wish i could find someone who doesnt guard themselves from me. I want to open someone's heart completely and explore all the depths. I always give 100% and still seem to only receive 25% back. Since when did slacking off qualify as trying. I dont know...i guess i'm just babbling.
I want someone who knows me
and loves me
and loves me because they know me.
I dont want fear in my relationship
I want bravery......
Is there even such a thing????
i dont know
i really dont
anymore
i'm crying out
is anyone listening????
xoxox
amanda