Collapsing Without A Candle.
I am very sure that there are not many people who would bat an eyelash if I fell. I used to swear this was my own doing, the self destruction I could never escape, but I know now that it is really self destruction more of destruction due to the point of being born in the wrong time with the wrong generation. (although, these thoughts could be bases upon the theory of lack of sleep for over 4 weeks, somewhere averaging only 2 hours every 2 or 3 days. You never know.) It just seems like every time I attempt to pull myself up from the drowning I can't seem to stop, another problem rushes towards me that someone else has and I feel more then obligated to help them because I do know, if I don't offer or try, not many people are going to help them to begin with and I could be their last stop.
I do know that running away, it isn't going to help me because I can't escape myself. Which then reminds me that this is my own doing but I cannot stop the process. I'm complaining I know, trying to make it all straight in my head and complaining in the process and that simply isn't like me. I don't complain, I don't bitch, I simply deal and move on silently.
I just know I am falling apart, and I am tired of picking up pieces anymore. I simply want to let them lay there, on the ground inside myself and ignore that they are there. It feels like I've run out of bricks to finish putting the walls around me, but I also can't let anyone in, so I stand guard and make sure no one sees how broken I really am, how much I need to just collapse for a bit until I can find the inner strength to continue to play pretend for the rest of the world while I silently put it all back together.
I'm rambling..I'm sorry.
-C. Wolfe.
I do know that running away, it isn't going to help me because I can't escape myself. Which then reminds me that this is my own doing but I cannot stop the process. I'm complaining I know, trying to make it all straight in my head and complaining in the process and that simply isn't like me. I don't complain, I don't bitch, I simply deal and move on silently.
I just know I am falling apart, and I am tired of picking up pieces anymore. I simply want to let them lay there, on the ground inside myself and ignore that they are there. It feels like I've run out of bricks to finish putting the walls around me, but I also can't let anyone in, so I stand guard and make sure no one sees how broken I really am, how much I need to just collapse for a bit until I can find the inner strength to continue to play pretend for the rest of the world while I silently put it all back together.
I'm rambling..I'm sorry.
-C. Wolfe.