Maybe It's Too Late...
I sit here wondering if I should be mad or not. Feeling like you went behind my back. Like you don't trust me or a little kid who's lieing to his mother because you don't want to face the mess you have created. I don't know which emotion dominates the rest that are swirling inside me at this instant. I slept on it, I worked on it. I just know where we ran into problems before. You can apologize a million times but, some how at this moment I feel betrayed. As if you really don't want this work. I'm not pushing, I'm not clinging. I'm letting you do your thing. Will a month away from me and from you, will that make you understand what exactly it is you stand to loose if I walk away this time? Do you understand the "never coming back" part to this this time? Do you understand no matter how much I love you if I walk away this time I'm done for good. You can go to her and I wouldn't care after then.
There are a million emotions and thoughts running through my head. I wish I could grasp onto just one of them because right now I haven't got the motivation to fight anymore. Last night, it ripped a whole into me you will never know is there until I tell you. You want to hang out with her, that's fine, but, it hurts. God I won't like, it hurts more than words can express. She ruined us before. She turned your girlfriend (me) into a fool and yet you don't stand up for me? I stand up for you daily and you dont stand up for me against the one thing that kills me from the inside out.
You say by not eatting I'm killing myself. You say you worry about me. Now I question it. I question everything. Every I Love You that leaves your lips. Every beautiful word that fills me with those never ending butterflies. I question everything about it now. I'm the only starting to feel like this is a one sided relationship.... Maybe this is my sign, it's not going to work. Maybe this is my sign that I might have stood here for 6 years now by your side waiting for you to understand, and I wasted time....
.... I don't know what to do, who to tell, where to go. I don't if crying will help or if I simply need to become numb again. Which way is right? Which way is wrong? Is there any way to know if your not gonna do what you did before again?
I'm lost and confused and scared and alone.
-Chris.