(no subject)
my birthday is tomorrow. it isn't exciting really. 22. not so great. oh well. i will have cake and good food and be around my good friends.
i get angry at myself when i remember the way i used to get annoyed with kaylin and treat her like an insignificant little girl. but then. kellynn's nephew soren is four and sometimes kellynn and i get annoyed with him and treat him likewise. it isn't unusual, i suppose. babies are cute. they cry and it bounces off the walls, hits the curve of your ear and tunnels in and through your brain and pounds on all the doors of reason and makes you wish you could shake the little bastard. you don't though, right? but i prefer that to anything over three but under thirteen. i can't imagine being a mother. the prospect of it, doing it. no. i don't want it right now. i'm glad that it isn't now. i don't want to live somewhere permanently, worry about what the neighbors think of the bruise my child acquired by playing a little rougher than the other kids, plan out meals that will appease baby, daddy, mommy, i don't want to be called "mommy."
i'm growing younger every day. i am more dependent on attention, love, other people's money. but...i want to be just sarah. i have dreams about chile. about getting lost in the streets of renaca, in my car strangly, missing the left turn that goes up that windy road into los pinos, ending up downtown by the mcdonalds, sitting in the bar on the beach drinking chile's beer: brahma stout-with the flavor unlike other stouts that makes my stomach feel heavy: a flavor of sweet black velvet that washes away any feeling of doubt, sadness, exhaustion. i dream about the waves crashing, standing at the edge of the ocean, looking out at infinity, realizing my size, saying "hello" to God. i only really realize God when i am at the ocean. i find God in the mountains, too, but the mountain (beautiful as they are) do not have the same infinitude that the ocean does. i will return there one day. i'm going to blow this popsicle stand. i belong somewhere else.
and i cannot have a child yet. not until i'm there.
if i had it to do over again, knowing what was to come, i would still get annoyed with kaylin from time to time. i don't think people can help it. kids are kids. they think things are funny that aren't. they ask questions over and over again that they know the answers to. and most annoying of all is when they begin to learn the art of manipulation. sometimes i welcome temper tantrums, because finally there is physical evidence that the child is just as upset as i have been inside my head.
is that mean? i am, after all, growing younger every day.
i miss kaylin.
i get angry at myself when i remember the way i used to get annoyed with kaylin and treat her like an insignificant little girl. but then. kellynn's nephew soren is four and sometimes kellynn and i get annoyed with him and treat him likewise. it isn't unusual, i suppose. babies are cute. they cry and it bounces off the walls, hits the curve of your ear and tunnels in and through your brain and pounds on all the doors of reason and makes you wish you could shake the little bastard. you don't though, right? but i prefer that to anything over three but under thirteen. i can't imagine being a mother. the prospect of it, doing it. no. i don't want it right now. i'm glad that it isn't now. i don't want to live somewhere permanently, worry about what the neighbors think of the bruise my child acquired by playing a little rougher than the other kids, plan out meals that will appease baby, daddy, mommy, i don't want to be called "mommy."
i'm growing younger every day. i am more dependent on attention, love, other people's money. but...i want to be just sarah. i have dreams about chile. about getting lost in the streets of renaca, in my car strangly, missing the left turn that goes up that windy road into los pinos, ending up downtown by the mcdonalds, sitting in the bar on the beach drinking chile's beer: brahma stout-with the flavor unlike other stouts that makes my stomach feel heavy: a flavor of sweet black velvet that washes away any feeling of doubt, sadness, exhaustion. i dream about the waves crashing, standing at the edge of the ocean, looking out at infinity, realizing my size, saying "hello" to God. i only really realize God when i am at the ocean. i find God in the mountains, too, but the mountain (beautiful as they are) do not have the same infinitude that the ocean does. i will return there one day. i'm going to blow this popsicle stand. i belong somewhere else.
and i cannot have a child yet. not until i'm there.
if i had it to do over again, knowing what was to come, i would still get annoyed with kaylin from time to time. i don't think people can help it. kids are kids. they think things are funny that aren't. they ask questions over and over again that they know the answers to. and most annoying of all is when they begin to learn the art of manipulation. sometimes i welcome temper tantrums, because finally there is physical evidence that the child is just as upset as i have been inside my head.
is that mean? i am, after all, growing younger every day.
i miss kaylin.