this isn't fun anymore
i know i was always saying that one day the tables would turn with luke and i. and i know i said i looked forward to the fun it would be rejecting him. and i know i got all up in arms when we talked. it's not fun. i thought it would be fun. it isn't. it's unfair, is what it is.
it's unfair that he even has the nerve to come around like this. he's calling me weekly, and multiple times a night. he's being sweet. he's being sober. he's being perfect. this is shitty. shitty because i would have died to have this from him years ago. shitty because i'm with matt. and i just got back together with matt after completely screwing things up with the frank situation. i don't want to screw things up again. and i know that luke and i couldn't be together EVEN IF i were single, because he is still in california, and i am still in colorado.
buuuuut he wants to move to south america. and the really crappy thing about it is that before we even got physical years and years ago, i knew this about him. this isn't just some bullshit dream he came up with just to relate to me. and now i can't help fantasizing one day down the line luke and i will magically end up together.
bah. this is so unfair. i know that i can control myself with him physically. i have no desire to cheat on matt. and no desire to break up with matt. it's not even a problem of physical attraction. it has everything to do with the fact that before i just wrote this whole luke obsession off as an idealism. now i know that him and i would be good together. now that we have had real conversations. they haven't even been romantic.
i am praying that he is just being super sweet to me because that's how luke is.
but i know better than that. and i hate the fact that i have to deal with this.
why can't he just be a stupid alcoholic still??
i will survive. i told matt about the situation. (with luke coming to colorado to see friends and wanting to see me bit, and the history there). matt requested that luke have knowledge of matt's existence. i can handle that.
now i have to figure out how to tell luke. and it's taken me quite a while. i think i'm going to try to do it tonight. i'm nervous. and i don't know why i should be.
it's unfair that he even has the nerve to come around like this. he's calling me weekly, and multiple times a night. he's being sweet. he's being sober. he's being perfect. this is shitty. shitty because i would have died to have this from him years ago. shitty because i'm with matt. and i just got back together with matt after completely screwing things up with the frank situation. i don't want to screw things up again. and i know that luke and i couldn't be together EVEN IF i were single, because he is still in california, and i am still in colorado.
buuuuut he wants to move to south america. and the really crappy thing about it is that before we even got physical years and years ago, i knew this about him. this isn't just some bullshit dream he came up with just to relate to me. and now i can't help fantasizing one day down the line luke and i will magically end up together.
bah. this is so unfair. i know that i can control myself with him physically. i have no desire to cheat on matt. and no desire to break up with matt. it's not even a problem of physical attraction. it has everything to do with the fact that before i just wrote this whole luke obsession off as an idealism. now i know that him and i would be good together. now that we have had real conversations. they haven't even been romantic.
i am praying that he is just being super sweet to me because that's how luke is.
but i know better than that. and i hate the fact that i have to deal with this.
why can't he just be a stupid alcoholic still??
i will survive. i told matt about the situation. (with luke coming to colorado to see friends and wanting to see me bit, and the history there). matt requested that luke have knowledge of matt's existence. i can handle that.
now i have to figure out how to tell luke. and it's taken me quite a while. i think i'm going to try to do it tonight. i'm nervous. and i don't know why i should be.