Dear God
Dear God, if you’re listening, this is Sarah. Still. Still Sarah. I’m not sure what it is that I have done with myself. Life goes very fast and I am weak enough to let that influence me to forget what my priorities should be. Not because you dictate it to be so, but because I deserve a better life than the one that I have made for myself. I try not to live life with regrets, because without those actions, I would not have turned out the way I did. Every day is a learning opportunity and I know that. I just wish that I could have given myself time to stand back and to think about what I was doing when I stopped going to you and started going with my animal instincts. How incredibly easy it was, too. Now I’m so unsure of what I want to do. I very much love and want to be with Matt, but I live a life with him that I want to change. I don’t know if he can make those changes with me. I know I should not be putting anything in the way of what I want or need to do with my life, but I also never knew how much love changes everything.
If I love someone the way that I believe I love Matt, then it should be in my best interest to start looking forward and deciding what type of person I envision myself being years down the road, with him at my side. I want love, and we have that. Trust, respect, loyalty, and communication are very strong pros. However, Matt smokes marijuana and I drink. I have cut out drugs from my life, but I’m afraid to ask Matt to do the same. This is not for a lack of communication, but I don’t want to control him. I wouldn’t ask him to stop smoking for the sake of following suit with my Christian morals, but because I don’t think an expensive and brain-damaging habit is becoming in a man that I spend my life with. It is okay for a young man who is not quite an adult to play video games and smoke in his spare time, but he’s going on 23, and I feel like he should start thinking about what type of adult he is going to be. If this is the life that he wants to live, that of a teenager, then I really don’t want to be a part of that. I know it’s early, and time changes things as well, so I shouldn’t jump the gun. I also know that if I don’t tell him these things, and years down the road we reach a dead end, then it would have been a waste of time that we could have used finding someone more compatible for us. I worry that this lack of faith in his character might be deeper rooted in my anxiety about my own decisions. Choosing to change my habits may include choosing to change my friends. Matt’s friends are partiers, and I am too easily brought into that. I will try to avoid it, but what if I cannot? I will have to cut off our mutual social interaction.
I really miss my naïve innocence that I enjoyed when I was first entering college. I know I had already made a bundle of mistakes by that time, but I still thought that the world was going to be super easy to walk into with you right there at my side. Because of my own poor choices, I now am finding it hard to find you in prayer. I cannot even feel you half of the time when before you used to flood my heart with overwhelming joy. Do drugs do that to the spirit? Do they completely cut you off until you cut them off? I hope that I can find that easy faith again. Life without you is not life at all. I used to walk into every relationship, whether it be romantic or friendship, with you as the foundation. Things were wholesome and easy then, to a point. I know what decision began my downfall, I know that I should have ended things with Jeremy before they became so impure. My friends warned me about that, and I may have turned out very differently had I chosen Wilson instead. Like I said, I cannot let myself be weighed down with regret, I must move forward. Staying with Jeremy instead of choosing a more spiritually healthy path led me into more and more blindly unfaithful decisions. Before I knew it, I was where I ended up a few months ago, empty and disgusting on the inside. I did have great times, but: “They were the best of times, they were the worst of times.” A life under the influence of drugs and alcohol is incredibly exciting, and immediately more satisfying than a life with you. Ultimately, however, that lifestyle is a murderer. And since we all choose our own ways to live, I was committing suicide. I don’t want that life anymore, a cocktail for celebration will do me just fine. A good time can be had in a pure way. I don’t have to make like a coward and leave my friends. Jesus didn’t, after all. A life with you in it is the ultimate excitement. I remember how much emotion I would feel knowing that I had you in my heart. And I had you for the rest of my existence. That feeling is better than any other love I have ever dared to pursue. I know you are still in my heart. I know that you are waiting for me to find you again. And I know that you will never give up on that wait. I am sorry that I even for a few years ignored the wonderful gift of life that you have always offered me.
I just need to pray that I can life the life that I want to live, and find out how Matt fits into that. My biggest fear is that he may not be able to, or worse that he may not want to. Whatever he chooses or whatever happens, my relationship with you cannot take the back seat. My relationship with you needs to be the forefront of every decision I make.
New York was an incredible blessing. The wonderful things that happen when you get the opportunity to just think.
If I love someone the way that I believe I love Matt, then it should be in my best interest to start looking forward and deciding what type of person I envision myself being years down the road, with him at my side. I want love, and we have that. Trust, respect, loyalty, and communication are very strong pros. However, Matt smokes marijuana and I drink. I have cut out drugs from my life, but I’m afraid to ask Matt to do the same. This is not for a lack of communication, but I don’t want to control him. I wouldn’t ask him to stop smoking for the sake of following suit with my Christian morals, but because I don’t think an expensive and brain-damaging habit is becoming in a man that I spend my life with. It is okay for a young man who is not quite an adult to play video games and smoke in his spare time, but he’s going on 23, and I feel like he should start thinking about what type of adult he is going to be. If this is the life that he wants to live, that of a teenager, then I really don’t want to be a part of that. I know it’s early, and time changes things as well, so I shouldn’t jump the gun. I also know that if I don’t tell him these things, and years down the road we reach a dead end, then it would have been a waste of time that we could have used finding someone more compatible for us. I worry that this lack of faith in his character might be deeper rooted in my anxiety about my own decisions. Choosing to change my habits may include choosing to change my friends. Matt’s friends are partiers, and I am too easily brought into that. I will try to avoid it, but what if I cannot? I will have to cut off our mutual social interaction.
I really miss my naïve innocence that I enjoyed when I was first entering college. I know I had already made a bundle of mistakes by that time, but I still thought that the world was going to be super easy to walk into with you right there at my side. Because of my own poor choices, I now am finding it hard to find you in prayer. I cannot even feel you half of the time when before you used to flood my heart with overwhelming joy. Do drugs do that to the spirit? Do they completely cut you off until you cut them off? I hope that I can find that easy faith again. Life without you is not life at all. I used to walk into every relationship, whether it be romantic or friendship, with you as the foundation. Things were wholesome and easy then, to a point. I know what decision began my downfall, I know that I should have ended things with Jeremy before they became so impure. My friends warned me about that, and I may have turned out very differently had I chosen Wilson instead. Like I said, I cannot let myself be weighed down with regret, I must move forward. Staying with Jeremy instead of choosing a more spiritually healthy path led me into more and more blindly unfaithful decisions. Before I knew it, I was where I ended up a few months ago, empty and disgusting on the inside. I did have great times, but: “They were the best of times, they were the worst of times.” A life under the influence of drugs and alcohol is incredibly exciting, and immediately more satisfying than a life with you. Ultimately, however, that lifestyle is a murderer. And since we all choose our own ways to live, I was committing suicide. I don’t want that life anymore, a cocktail for celebration will do me just fine. A good time can be had in a pure way. I don’t have to make like a coward and leave my friends. Jesus didn’t, after all. A life with you in it is the ultimate excitement. I remember how much emotion I would feel knowing that I had you in my heart. And I had you for the rest of my existence. That feeling is better than any other love I have ever dared to pursue. I know you are still in my heart. I know that you are waiting for me to find you again. And I know that you will never give up on that wait. I am sorry that I even for a few years ignored the wonderful gift of life that you have always offered me.
I just need to pray that I can life the life that I want to live, and find out how Matt fits into that. My biggest fear is that he may not be able to, or worse that he may not want to. Whatever he chooses or whatever happens, my relationship with you cannot take the back seat. My relationship with you needs to be the forefront of every decision I make.
New York was an incredible blessing. The wonderful things that happen when you get the opportunity to just think.