(no subject)
I have a mean fucking crush on someone.
Its awful.
At first it was just "he's hot, I'd hit it." And then you get to know someone, and it either turns into something else, goes away, or stays the same....
We had such a chat this weekend. We were both lamenting miserably to eachother, and I was dropping such horrible drunken hints that I wanted to leave with him. I dont think he realized it, unless he did, and for whatever reason chose to ignore it. Whichever it was, its a good thing he did, because I was definitly way too intoxicated to be making any rash descisions. I felt like such a scumbag. He was wicked sad and trying to vent to me, and all I could think about was how to make him realize I'm into him without being too obvious. It just hit me this past weekend how much I like him. I realized that, whenever the group is together, the minute I walk into the room, he's the first person I look for, and always the first person I notice, if he's there. I could stare at him for seven years, and every time I can make him laugh, its like...the greatest thing that ever happend to me. And I dont know. I THINK I feel some kind of chemistry. Its probably my imagination, but I dont know. Now more than ever, I feel like I'm such unworthy material. Mostly because of connor, which is awful, because I hate to see him as any kind of negative thing, but..I cant help wondering how I'd be veiwed if I wasn't a mom. BUT, if it wasn't for connor, I wouldnt even know any of the people that I know now. Its such a double sided coin.
UGH. I'm fucking smitten. I haven't had a crush in seven hundred and sixty seven years. I guess it's not hopeless. It feels like it is, of course, because thats ALWAYS how it has to be. Isn't that why they call it a crush? They might as well call it a "smother" or a "smash" or any other word that means something that hits you WICKED hard and leaves you feeling like absolute crap.
Fuck. He's really all I can think about.
I know atleast ONE PERSON can feel me on this.
I'm off to bed, where its safe.
Its awful.
At first it was just "he's hot, I'd hit it." And then you get to know someone, and it either turns into something else, goes away, or stays the same....
We had such a chat this weekend. We were both lamenting miserably to eachother, and I was dropping such horrible drunken hints that I wanted to leave with him. I dont think he realized it, unless he did, and for whatever reason chose to ignore it. Whichever it was, its a good thing he did, because I was definitly way too intoxicated to be making any rash descisions. I felt like such a scumbag. He was wicked sad and trying to vent to me, and all I could think about was how to make him realize I'm into him without being too obvious. It just hit me this past weekend how much I like him. I realized that, whenever the group is together, the minute I walk into the room, he's the first person I look for, and always the first person I notice, if he's there. I could stare at him for seven years, and every time I can make him laugh, its like...the greatest thing that ever happend to me. And I dont know. I THINK I feel some kind of chemistry. Its probably my imagination, but I dont know. Now more than ever, I feel like I'm such unworthy material. Mostly because of connor, which is awful, because I hate to see him as any kind of negative thing, but..I cant help wondering how I'd be veiwed if I wasn't a mom. BUT, if it wasn't for connor, I wouldnt even know any of the people that I know now. Its such a double sided coin.
UGH. I'm fucking smitten. I haven't had a crush in seven hundred and sixty seven years. I guess it's not hopeless. It feels like it is, of course, because thats ALWAYS how it has to be. Isn't that why they call it a crush? They might as well call it a "smother" or a "smash" or any other word that means something that hits you WICKED hard and leaves you feeling like absolute crap.
Fuck. He's really all I can think about.
I know atleast ONE PERSON can feel me on this.
I'm off to bed, where its safe.