no subject

[toriwill2]

I'm going to use my livejournal account as a venting spot. Mark doesn't know it exists and the things I put here I don't want him to know. The is going to be for my benefit only, I dont expect my friends to read any of this and no reply is needed.

With that said, I'm lonely.
SO fucking lonely.

Mark has been in Iraq for a little over a month and it feels like forever.
I cry every day at least once.
I miss him. I can't even say how much I miss him.

I don't want him to know.

He has enough to deal with over there without worrying about me.

It's so hard to put my happy face on when he calls but I do it.
Thank god it's not a video call, he can't see the tears.

I give him my best upbeat voice and he buys it.

There's no sense telling him how I feel, there's nothing he can do
about it anyway.

But I miss him.
The house is so empty.
The bed is so empty.
My life is so empty.

I'm not the type that needs someone to complete me, that's
the reason he started dating me.
But maybe I do need someone.

Maybe that was my front, My wall.

I don't know.

Sometimes I get mad.
There's stories all over the place about all the support
spouses of deployed airmen get.
I never see any of that. I guess because we live off base
we are forgotten about.

So I watch a lot of tv.
And drink.

And wait for the next phone call so I pretend to be happy again.