Why the troublemakers?
I had an erotic dream about Heaven last night (Heaven, we haven't heard a peep from you in a long time. Hope all is well with you and Moses. When is Moses going to get a livejournal, by the way?) In my dream, Blaine and I were fooling around. He slipped his hand between my legs and suddenly it wasn't a man's hand anymore, it was a woman's. I looked up and there was Heaven in bed with me.
On second thought, maybe it's good that Moses doesn't have a livejournal. Although, I don't think this is really a dream about eroticism or about desire or about sexual orientation or any of those things. It's something else, something foggy that I've been trying to wrap my head around for a long time, but I just can't do it. It's like all of my senses have become a bit dull, as if I've become a bit stupid.
Sometimes I feel like I need to get away long enough to get past the fog, to see what's on the other side of the fog, to get something. I remember telling Blaine once when we first met that I couldn't really remember a time in my life when I didn't feel happy, that even in sadness there was a certain happiness that went along with being able to feel at all, that went along with the possibilities I knew awaited me when the sadness had passed. I don't even know if I'm feeling sadness now or if it's just happiness of a different kind.
I feel stupid and I feel confused and sometimes I feel lonely.
But when I woke up from that dream, Blaine was sleeping with his arm around me, and my back was pressed against his body. I curled into his arm and felt the warm, soft hair against my cheeks and against my lips. I touched his hand, wound my fingers through his, and brought it close to kiss it. He made a sound and shifted but he didn't wake. And I knew that this did make me happy, that no matter how much we fight or how confused I get, this would always make me happy, his arm around me, him close to me. I know that he's ruined me for anything else, and I've always known he's ruined me for anything else, and I guess that's why I'm here.
On second thought, maybe it's good that Moses doesn't have a livejournal. Although, I don't think this is really a dream about eroticism or about desire or about sexual orientation or any of those things. It's something else, something foggy that I've been trying to wrap my head around for a long time, but I just can't do it. It's like all of my senses have become a bit dull, as if I've become a bit stupid.
Sometimes I feel like I need to get away long enough to get past the fog, to see what's on the other side of the fog, to get something. I remember telling Blaine once when we first met that I couldn't really remember a time in my life when I didn't feel happy, that even in sadness there was a certain happiness that went along with being able to feel at all, that went along with the possibilities I knew awaited me when the sadness had passed. I don't even know if I'm feeling sadness now or if it's just happiness of a different kind.
I feel stupid and I feel confused and sometimes I feel lonely.
But when I woke up from that dream, Blaine was sleeping with his arm around me, and my back was pressed against his body. I curled into his arm and felt the warm, soft hair against my cheeks and against my lips. I touched his hand, wound my fingers through his, and brought it close to kiss it. He made a sound and shifted but he didn't wake. And I knew that this did make me happy, that no matter how much we fight or how confused I get, this would always make me happy, his arm around me, him close to me. I know that he's ruined me for anything else, and I've always known he's ruined me for anything else, and I guess that's why I'm here.