I should be making love right now
She says she likes rough sex the most because it makes her feel like he really wants her.
Blaine and I don't have rough sex very often anymore. When I asked Blaine to make love to me, just over two weeks after I'd given birth to Emily, he said things like, "Are you sure?" and "Tori, it hasn't been that long," and I said, "Just be gentle, okay?"
He was. When it was over, he said he was surprised that I'd requested that. He said that he'd forgotten the way it used to be sometimes, rough and even a little violent, when he felt his need to assert his power or his ownership over me ... and almost always after someone's wedding. He'd never let me be on top then and that was what made it the most forceful ... not the actual sex itself but the lack of choice or freedom or ... I don't know what the word is. I'm shaking and I don't know why. Maybe I've gotten soft in my old, married life. At the time, it never seemed to be that big of a deal ... I mean, I was never, really, really scared, and I still wanted the sex ... and I didn't expect my fingers to tremble when I tried to write about it. I don't remember them trembling when I wrote about it the first time, sitting in the SC laundry room, keeping my journal longhand, that gold journal with the painting Blaine did of me on the front, the painting Blaine did of me naked, except you couldn't see anything because my knees were drawn up to my chest in the drawing and there's a naughty, 'come hither,' kind of smile painted on my face.
Blaine and I don't have rough sex anymore. Does this mean he no longer feels the need to control me, or just that he's felt the circumstances have been wrong for rough sex for so long? First my pregnancy, then my sickness, and maybe he's just forgotten again what it used to be like. Or does it mean, like she thinks it does, and this is where it gets hard, does it mean that he just doesn't want me the way he once did?
There it is and there I've said it and the truth is that I've been fearing this for so, so, so long. I don't know how long, exactly, but I think since before we got married and that it intensified after we got married. We still have sex about as often as an "average" married couple--at least three times a week--and by the goddess, I hated writing that sentence at all. What about Blaine and I has ever, *ever* been average? And yet, this number tells me that supposedly we're normal and supposedly I have nothing to worry about. Probably even less to worry about than those "average" couples because when we do have sex, it's still good and I hope a notch above "routine."
And yet, there's a sense of urgency that's gone. This is what I was so scared of, this is why I was so scared of marrying him, not the only reason, but possibly the main one. That he would become complacent, that we would, that he'd never again treat each time as though it could be the last time or the only time or like it's the greatest gift in the world. Is this something that's different about Heaven and Moses, I wonder? Blaine and I have joked and poked fun at them good naturedly so many times for their insistence--well, Moses' insistence, it seems--that they wait for marriage before they have sex. But I wonder if setting that boundary on it keeps Heaven from feeling what I'm feeling now, keeps the sense of it being forbidden and sacred and keeps it from being routine because, wow, isn't it cool that we're finally able to do this with each other?
I don't know if I'm making sense.
I'm just so scared of Blaine not wanting me and ... and this makes my brain feel a little scrambled. It's not about love because I know, I *know* Blaine loves me ... but those things don't always translate, and I want both, and I deserve both, and for better or worse, I *feel* his love more strongly when he also wants me.
Okay.
When we were camping, the time he made me feel so amazing, the time we both felt so amazing, without even taking off our clothes, he said, "I just had to remind both of us that I could still do this to you." And I felt so muddled by desire but I still remember the thin line of thought that I may have spoken or may not that kept saying, "What in the world are you talking about? How in the world did you ever doubt this?" And I felt then as if he really, really wanted me, but then he wouldn't let me get him off and then I wondered if he really wanted me or if he just wanted the knowledge that he could make me want him so much.
Hw could this ever be news to him? I feel like I'm the one who often initiates sex these days, and he hardly ever turns me down, and when he does, he says it's because we're not supposed to or he's not sure it's okay and the concern in his voice always makes me want him even more but he always wins. And then I'm left wondering whether this, too, is just part of the routine--I initiate, he responds, as long as there's no good excuse not to--and he goes along with it more because I know how to make him respond sexually and because he doesn't want to break routine than because he really, really wants me.
I read once, I don't remember where, in one of those women's magazines that tells you how to snag a man, or something, that the woman should never initiate sex in the beginning and only "once in a while" after marriage, because then she's left never knowing whether the man really wants her or is just being "nice" and if he really wanted her, he would be taking the lead when it comes to sex in the first place. And I remember thinking that was such a stupid, sexist thing to say, that as a woman it was just as much my right as a man's to initiate sex when I wanted it and of course I wouldn't have to worry about whether he really wanted me because of course he would.
But here I am.
Blaine and I don't have rough sex very often anymore. When I asked Blaine to make love to me, just over two weeks after I'd given birth to Emily, he said things like, "Are you sure?" and "Tori, it hasn't been that long," and I said, "Just be gentle, okay?"
He was. When it was over, he said he was surprised that I'd requested that. He said that he'd forgotten the way it used to be sometimes, rough and even a little violent, when he felt his need to assert his power or his ownership over me ... and almost always after someone's wedding. He'd never let me be on top then and that was what made it the most forceful ... not the actual sex itself but the lack of choice or freedom or ... I don't know what the word is. I'm shaking and I don't know why. Maybe I've gotten soft in my old, married life. At the time, it never seemed to be that big of a deal ... I mean, I was never, really, really scared, and I still wanted the sex ... and I didn't expect my fingers to tremble when I tried to write about it. I don't remember them trembling when I wrote about it the first time, sitting in the SC laundry room, keeping my journal longhand, that gold journal with the painting Blaine did of me on the front, the painting Blaine did of me naked, except you couldn't see anything because my knees were drawn up to my chest in the drawing and there's a naughty, 'come hither,' kind of smile painted on my face.
Blaine and I don't have rough sex anymore. Does this mean he no longer feels the need to control me, or just that he's felt the circumstances have been wrong for rough sex for so long? First my pregnancy, then my sickness, and maybe he's just forgotten again what it used to be like. Or does it mean, like she thinks it does, and this is where it gets hard, does it mean that he just doesn't want me the way he once did?
There it is and there I've said it and the truth is that I've been fearing this for so, so, so long. I don't know how long, exactly, but I think since before we got married and that it intensified after we got married. We still have sex about as often as an "average" married couple--at least three times a week--and by the goddess, I hated writing that sentence at all. What about Blaine and I has ever, *ever* been average? And yet, this number tells me that supposedly we're normal and supposedly I have nothing to worry about. Probably even less to worry about than those "average" couples because when we do have sex, it's still good and I hope a notch above "routine."
And yet, there's a sense of urgency that's gone. This is what I was so scared of, this is why I was so scared of marrying him, not the only reason, but possibly the main one. That he would become complacent, that we would, that he'd never again treat each time as though it could be the last time or the only time or like it's the greatest gift in the world. Is this something that's different about Heaven and Moses, I wonder? Blaine and I have joked and poked fun at them good naturedly so many times for their insistence--well, Moses' insistence, it seems--that they wait for marriage before they have sex. But I wonder if setting that boundary on it keeps Heaven from feeling what I'm feeling now, keeps the sense of it being forbidden and sacred and keeps it from being routine because, wow, isn't it cool that we're finally able to do this with each other?
I don't know if I'm making sense.
I'm just so scared of Blaine not wanting me and ... and this makes my brain feel a little scrambled. It's not about love because I know, I *know* Blaine loves me ... but those things don't always translate, and I want both, and I deserve both, and for better or worse, I *feel* his love more strongly when he also wants me.
Okay.
When we were camping, the time he made me feel so amazing, the time we both felt so amazing, without even taking off our clothes, he said, "I just had to remind both of us that I could still do this to you." And I felt so muddled by desire but I still remember the thin line of thought that I may have spoken or may not that kept saying, "What in the world are you talking about? How in the world did you ever doubt this?" And I felt then as if he really, really wanted me, but then he wouldn't let me get him off and then I wondered if he really wanted me or if he just wanted the knowledge that he could make me want him so much.
Hw could this ever be news to him? I feel like I'm the one who often initiates sex these days, and he hardly ever turns me down, and when he does, he says it's because we're not supposed to or he's not sure it's okay and the concern in his voice always makes me want him even more but he always wins. And then I'm left wondering whether this, too, is just part of the routine--I initiate, he responds, as long as there's no good excuse not to--and he goes along with it more because I know how to make him respond sexually and because he doesn't want to break routine than because he really, really wants me.
I read once, I don't remember where, in one of those women's magazines that tells you how to snag a man, or something, that the woman should never initiate sex in the beginning and only "once in a while" after marriage, because then she's left never knowing whether the man really wants her or is just being "nice" and if he really wanted her, he would be taking the lead when it comes to sex in the first place. And I remember thinking that was such a stupid, sexist thing to say, that as a woman it was just as much my right as a man's to initiate sex when I wanted it and of course I wouldn't have to worry about whether he really wanted me because of course he would.
But here I am.