Maybe that's why I'm pagan
I used to be so scared that Blaine would take me for granted. That was my biggest concern, the biggest reason I resisted marrying him, because I was so sure he'd stop wanting me and ... and just assume I was his if I didn't keep withholding something from him. That was my biggest fear, that I would be taken for granted.
He's not taking me for granted now. It feels like some sort of sick karmic joke. "You're afraid of being taken for granted? Here's an incurable, unpredictable disease."
I'm afraid of taking advantage of this. I'm afraid of using this power to make Blaine do whatever I want, to wipe out any compromise I might have made otherwise. I already got him to let me get a second apartment near Mom. When we were at the clinic, when they first told me about it, he didn't even want me to walk to the vending machine myself. He wanted to do something for me so badly.
I haven't asked him about the road trip yet, but I know he'll go along with it. Even if he resists, he'll let me talk him into it. I could probably talk him into anything, *anything* right now. I don't know how long this will last and I don't know if I want it to go away and I don't know if I like what it's doing to me.
I remember Blaine insinuating that I was spoiled once, a long, long time ago, back when we were dating. He wasn't being harsh, he was bantering with me, but I remember it really, really, really hurt. I didn't even realize the irony of it at the time, the man whose parents were a millionaire telling the thrift-store junkie daughter of a single-mom that she was spoiled. I just remember feeling like he had pushed something spiky into my heart and twisted it, and when he realized it was hurting me, he tried to recover, and I don't remember what he said, but he kept assuring me it wasn't a bad thing, it was just part of who I was.
I've never really felt spoiled until now. And I guess that's ironic, too.
He's not taking me for granted now. It feels like some sort of sick karmic joke. "You're afraid of being taken for granted? Here's an incurable, unpredictable disease."
I'm afraid of taking advantage of this. I'm afraid of using this power to make Blaine do whatever I want, to wipe out any compromise I might have made otherwise. I already got him to let me get a second apartment near Mom. When we were at the clinic, when they first told me about it, he didn't even want me to walk to the vending machine myself. He wanted to do something for me so badly.
I haven't asked him about the road trip yet, but I know he'll go along with it. Even if he resists, he'll let me talk him into it. I could probably talk him into anything, *anything* right now. I don't know how long this will last and I don't know if I want it to go away and I don't know if I like what it's doing to me.
I remember Blaine insinuating that I was spoiled once, a long, long time ago, back when we were dating. He wasn't being harsh, he was bantering with me, but I remember it really, really, really hurt. I didn't even realize the irony of it at the time, the man whose parents were a millionaire telling the thrift-store junkie daughter of a single-mom that she was spoiled. I just remember feeling like he had pushed something spiky into my heart and twisted it, and when he realized it was hurting me, he tried to recover, and I don't remember what he said, but he kept assuring me it wasn't a bad thing, it was just part of who I was.
I've never really felt spoiled until now. And I guess that's ironic, too.