Just Because...
I hate my life.
Or part of it anyway. You know, I chose to come to University - was in no way coerced, except that I could no longer stand idly by and bear witness to the pathetic teachers that some children's educations are subject to today. The same pathetic teachers I have been subjected to for most of my academic life.
And so, I decided that surely I must be able to do a better job than them, and thus entered into the world of Undergraduate Academia.
Oh Hell, what was I thinking?!
I still want to be here; I'm actually enjoying learning new things, always have done. But at the moment, it just seems like too much to handle. That list I posted of all the assignments I had to do? Scratch one. That's it.
I have NO motivation to get these pieces of work done, even though I resume classes on Monday. I know that I'm going to have to go and speak to someone at Uni about this, probably a counsellor. And that does not appeal to me at all. There's one tutor who I'd trust this to, her name's Mary. She really is great...she helped me when I had a confidence crisis with a previous assignment, and I can't express how much gratitude I have for her.
Thing is, this crisis never really went. I truly think that I need to speak to someone. I get up on a morning, go through my day as usual, and then get half way through a panic attack when I think of all the work I have to do.
So my solution? Don't think about it. Now nigh on three weeks later I have gotten no further forward than I was three weeks previously.
I just have this insane urge to curl up into a little ball in the corner and cry my eyes out. And maybe think about coming out of it on May 21st - that being the last day of Uni work and examinations.
I can't understand why I have been feeling like this. I mean, I'm working at a steady 2.1 grade - by all accounts, that's really good for a first year under-grad, but no amount of praise seems to help at the moment.
I keep wondering if I should e-mail Mary and see what she thinks about this whole fucking mess, but then I lose my nerve...it's not her job to be bothered by my insecurities and inferiority complex. What do you think?
Scary thing? I recognise the feelings and the symptoms I'm experiencing...It's called depression. I just don't want it again! Why can't I just go through life happy at what I have, and not second-guess everything I do? I KNOW I can write (excuse the lack of modesty), or else they'd have turfed me out on my arse by now - Hell, they wouldn't have let me IN.
So why? You know the great thing about emotions? They're so irrational. Huh. *insert required amount of sarcasm here*
I'm just so damned sick of it all. But it's everything that I really want.
I hate my life sometimes.
Or part of it anyway. You know, I chose to come to University - was in no way coerced, except that I could no longer stand idly by and bear witness to the pathetic teachers that some children's educations are subject to today. The same pathetic teachers I have been subjected to for most of my academic life.
And so, I decided that surely I must be able to do a better job than them, and thus entered into the world of Undergraduate Academia.
Oh Hell, what was I thinking?!
I still want to be here; I'm actually enjoying learning new things, always have done. But at the moment, it just seems like too much to handle. That list I posted of all the assignments I had to do? Scratch one. That's it.
I have NO motivation to get these pieces of work done, even though I resume classes on Monday. I know that I'm going to have to go and speak to someone at Uni about this, probably a counsellor. And that does not appeal to me at all. There's one tutor who I'd trust this to, her name's Mary. She really is great...she helped me when I had a confidence crisis with a previous assignment, and I can't express how much gratitude I have for her.
Thing is, this crisis never really went. I truly think that I need to speak to someone. I get up on a morning, go through my day as usual, and then get half way through a panic attack when I think of all the work I have to do.
So my solution? Don't think about it. Now nigh on three weeks later I have gotten no further forward than I was three weeks previously.
I just have this insane urge to curl up into a little ball in the corner and cry my eyes out. And maybe think about coming out of it on May 21st - that being the last day of Uni work and examinations.
I can't understand why I have been feeling like this. I mean, I'm working at a steady 2.1 grade - by all accounts, that's really good for a first year under-grad, but no amount of praise seems to help at the moment.
I keep wondering if I should e-mail Mary and see what she thinks about this whole fucking mess, but then I lose my nerve...it's not her job to be bothered by my insecurities and inferiority complex. What do you think?
Scary thing? I recognise the feelings and the symptoms I'm experiencing...It's called depression. I just don't want it again! Why can't I just go through life happy at what I have, and not second-guess everything I do? I KNOW I can write (excuse the lack of modesty), or else they'd have turfed me out on my arse by now - Hell, they wouldn't have let me IN.
So why? You know the great thing about emotions? They're so irrational. Huh. *insert required amount of sarcasm here*
I'm just so damned sick of it all. But it's everything that I really want.
I hate my life sometimes.