Night time moods
Im not entirely sure of the point of tonights blog, but I felt like writing for awhile.
Lately there have been quite a few things that just keep bringing me down and I've had a hard time crawling out of my depression. I know I can't always be strong but it always bugs me when I get stuck like that...I pride myself in being able to endure and not mope around all the time feeling sorry for myself. With that said..it still doesn't make certain things any easier.
Perspective time.
I have hpv. It sucks, and I have to now be careful for awhile, while my body sorts itself out.
There's nothing I can do about it, so I just have to go in, get my colp. and biopsy, and pray that it corrects itself. If it develops into more, I'll cross that bridge when I get there.
Life goes on.
I got a girlfriend. I really like my girlfriend, she's really sweet to me and we get along really well. I like spending time with her and potentially could have a decent relationship with her. If...
I wasn't in love with my best friend.
There's the bulk of it. As time goes by I only feel more reinforced in this and I know my heart has embedded itself deeply into him.
I could go on and on about this as I always do...but here's what it about wraps up to right now.
I don't have to make any drastic decisions right now. I don't have to try to rush anything with Ashley that isn't there right now.
I know why it isn't there...and deep down I know that my heart isn't going anywhere unless forced to, and even then, not any time soon.
I will let time take its toll and see how things play out. I cannot predict what is going to happen between Nathan and I at this point. We grow closer together all the time, and now thats getting physically harder and harder to prevent..but we will see what happens.
If I can show him somehow that I am not what I have done in my past, and can be everything to him..I will.
It's become very apparent that no matter what we need to keep each other in our lives.
Nathan inspires me and motivates me to be a better person. I AM a better person because of him. I have learned more, experienced more, felt more, and lived more since I became his friend. In my heart I see us as the perfect couple..and I know there are issues that concerns him, but love and life is about sacrifice and adjusting so you can make things work..and I would do what it was that needed to be done to make it work. I couldn't do it alone though..so no matter what I do and what I feel, there is nothing if he isn't available and mutual with me. I know there is a lot of mutual feeling between us, but I cannot be the one to decide anything for him. I won't try to tell him what to do one way or another..it has to be his choice and it isn't my place to tell him it should be me...But we both see the signs and the potential..We shall just have to see how we go about it from here.
My heart isn't going anywhere.
As far as my life and health go, I'm going to try really hard to stay active.
I want to keep my body healthy and fit. I am happier when I'm active and doing things, and when im working out. I think I would feel better about myself if I kept my body strong.
I want to try to get to a point that I've never been..toned, strong and flexible. I want my body to be conducive to juggling and acro with Nathan. I'm a base so I need to be able to be solid and support him. But I also am a flyer and we'll be working on more positions that I'll probably be the flyer for and I want to make sure im flexible and easier to support.
I think after this semester is over I will have more time to take this more seriously. I know I will have classes next semester keeping me busy, but im going to try to schedule in a way that would fit a good time to work out and such.
I want to get more serious with my swimming. The more I do it the more comfortable I feel in the pool again. I was in such great shape when I was in middle school, and I need to get that back.
There have been so many times when I've tried to pull this off and it always just fell through...but I think with Nathan in my life and our new found projects and idea's together that I can really stay motivated and have a reason to keep myself fit.
I need to do this for myself, and I think I'll be happier overall.
So here's to motivation and holding onto my drive for life and making the best out of it!
Lately there have been quite a few things that just keep bringing me down and I've had a hard time crawling out of my depression. I know I can't always be strong but it always bugs me when I get stuck like that...I pride myself in being able to endure and not mope around all the time feeling sorry for myself. With that said..it still doesn't make certain things any easier.
Perspective time.
I have hpv. It sucks, and I have to now be careful for awhile, while my body sorts itself out.
There's nothing I can do about it, so I just have to go in, get my colp. and biopsy, and pray that it corrects itself. If it develops into more, I'll cross that bridge when I get there.
Life goes on.
I got a girlfriend. I really like my girlfriend, she's really sweet to me and we get along really well. I like spending time with her and potentially could have a decent relationship with her. If...
I wasn't in love with my best friend.
There's the bulk of it. As time goes by I only feel more reinforced in this and I know my heart has embedded itself deeply into him.
I could go on and on about this as I always do...but here's what it about wraps up to right now.
I don't have to make any drastic decisions right now. I don't have to try to rush anything with Ashley that isn't there right now.
I know why it isn't there...and deep down I know that my heart isn't going anywhere unless forced to, and even then, not any time soon.
I will let time take its toll and see how things play out. I cannot predict what is going to happen between Nathan and I at this point. We grow closer together all the time, and now thats getting physically harder and harder to prevent..but we will see what happens.
If I can show him somehow that I am not what I have done in my past, and can be everything to him..I will.
It's become very apparent that no matter what we need to keep each other in our lives.
Nathan inspires me and motivates me to be a better person. I AM a better person because of him. I have learned more, experienced more, felt more, and lived more since I became his friend. In my heart I see us as the perfect couple..and I know there are issues that concerns him, but love and life is about sacrifice and adjusting so you can make things work..and I would do what it was that needed to be done to make it work. I couldn't do it alone though..so no matter what I do and what I feel, there is nothing if he isn't available and mutual with me. I know there is a lot of mutual feeling between us, but I cannot be the one to decide anything for him. I won't try to tell him what to do one way or another..it has to be his choice and it isn't my place to tell him it should be me...But we both see the signs and the potential..We shall just have to see how we go about it from here.
My heart isn't going anywhere.
As far as my life and health go, I'm going to try really hard to stay active.
I want to keep my body healthy and fit. I am happier when I'm active and doing things, and when im working out. I think I would feel better about myself if I kept my body strong.
I want to try to get to a point that I've never been..toned, strong and flexible. I want my body to be conducive to juggling and acro with Nathan. I'm a base so I need to be able to be solid and support him. But I also am a flyer and we'll be working on more positions that I'll probably be the flyer for and I want to make sure im flexible and easier to support.
I think after this semester is over I will have more time to take this more seriously. I know I will have classes next semester keeping me busy, but im going to try to schedule in a way that would fit a good time to work out and such.
I want to get more serious with my swimming. The more I do it the more comfortable I feel in the pool again. I was in such great shape when I was in middle school, and I need to get that back.
There have been so many times when I've tried to pull this off and it always just fell through...but I think with Nathan in my life and our new found projects and idea's together that I can really stay motivated and have a reason to keep myself fit.
I need to do this for myself, and I think I'll be happier overall.
So here's to motivation and holding onto my drive for life and making the best out of it!