Starting over
So im Starting a new journal. i have another one on here that I've had for years, but there's so much on it and so must history...I wanted to start this one out fresh..too much past to sort through. So normally just for my own personal reflection I would talk about all thats been going on in my life and whats changed and whats happened, but its 5am and there's just one thing on my mind at the moment....I'm a person who's run by my heart and my head, always have been. Usually I get taken away by my heart but my head's always there to keep me straight.. I am a fantasizer, I find all these great possibilities and I get carried away with them and how I would like them to be. And then the logic in me kicks in and i shoot myself down and usually end up hurting someone in the process, usually myself included. But no matter what I've been through with my relationships before, and my countless long distance ones that I trudged through, I still believe in the power of love. Without it none of them would have lasted as long as they did. I recently got out of a bumby relationship that almost made it a year...but again I ran, knowing I wasnt in it for the same reasons that he was. I couldnt see my future with him the way he saw his with me...so I figured later would only be worse even if I love him...And then odd part is, how fast I got over the whole situation...i think I wanted to love him more then I really did because of how much he loves me, and thats not fair to the other person. Not to say I didnt love him, just not the deep in love i thought I felt in the beginning....and then now...there's that word..Love. Seems to be all around me these days...people telling me they love me, people talking about it all around me and all the people in my life I love...its a big part of my life, and something I'm more then familiar with...but this new love going on...I dont know what to think of it...I met someone last week at necto, going without any intent of hooking up or anything close to it, I had sworn myself away from relationships for awhile. I just wanted to go dance and have a good time. Then I see brady...and then I meet Jon. From the first time I saw him he's never failed to amaze me. I looked up at his tall cute build, his adorable face, amazing eyes, really nice lips (i have a thing for lips..) his heart stopping smile and his cute floppy hair....There wasnt going back from that point since...at first I was like, there's no way this really cute kid would have any real interest in dancing with Me but im going to dance with him anyways and see what happens....and then there's the two of us not really knowing what the other wants..and we get closer and before we know it we're really dancing together, and im loving every minute of it...having his hands on me wasnt like anyone else I'd been near in a long time...I just liked him close to me, and the idea that he Wanted to touch me...i dance with him for the rest of the time we have...and then he completely surprises me by kissing my neck..and damn if I thought the dancing had me hooked...that kiss made me really want more...when I turned around and actually kissed him it was the first time a kiss really felt that good...I was hesitant all night in fear brady would get jealous of it or something, or maybe i just didnt want brady to think I was some whore who just made out with every guy I dance with (seeing how it happened with him when we danced) but this was soo different and had it been anyone else I wouldnt have gotten close to that..tonight wasnt about that...but there he was, this gorgeous boy who intrigued me more then I could handle lol. So then its time to leave...i leave thinking it was a really good night, I dont even care if Will is giving me shit about making out with some random guy, because it didnt feel that way to me, but I didnt want to admit that to him because i didnt know what it was yet....Im glad it happened and thought it would be really nice to see him again, and thought about maybe getting his number from brady, but I didnt want it to be weird if I texted him...and then magically he texts me first.. :) it made my tummy flutter....so then long story short I spend all week talking to him..and I cant get enough, every second i can Im talking to him, and i freak out when my phone gets shut off for a day because we cant talk...we try to see each other and it doesnt work out, but im so use to that happening to me that I almost expected it because things dont often work out for me...so then comes in that logic and love issue..I dont know much about Jon, just things I've learned over the week...i was glad that right away he told me he had a son, because that said a lot to me about how much he cares about Evan, which is such a good thing to see in a single, young father these days because im so use to a lot of young dads hardly taking place in their kids life and having the pride as a father that Jon has. He's one of the sweetest guys i've talked to in a long time...he actually attempts to get to know me...and I love getting to know about him...now here's the scary part...I think im falling in love with Jonathan...I cant explain it, you never can with love, its not logical...but my head keeps going over this concept...can you really fall in love so quickly? I suppose you can start to...but it scares me...one, yet again im dealing with a long distance relationship, whatever that relationship may be...two, I dont want to fall into anything by myself...falling in love alone is always a scary thought...and three...I want to make sure its real...being away from someone can make you feel things you normally wouldnt feel so strongly because you're building up these feelings in yourself with little to go off of...i NEED to spend time with him...and not at necto where we're both surrounded by people and obligated by our friends...just us, really spending time with each other...I know that its not all in my head though and not all just some fantasy..because being with him tonight even confirmed a lot of what i've been feeling all week...I just want to be with him all the time and get to know everything about him...and its weird because usually when you meet someone you want to see what you have in common or how well you comply...but I just want to get to know him, and whatever i find out is good enough because it's him...idk its all so new and all so weird and I feel like an idiot some days because all of this built up inside of me in a weeks time...but life never happens the way you expect it to...I dont know what, if, or how anything is going to become...I just know i miss him constantly, could kiss him all day and when im standing next to him my heart keeps wanting to tell him i love him...but its in its reserve right now...if its still there when i've had the time to know im not a lone and feel the reassurance, that makes it right and easier to say...but whatever happens...I hope I can figure some of it out soon...so maybe i can stop all the worrying I build up....there's soo much shit going on, my lifes constant caos, which is why I ended my last relationship....but if this ends up being a kind of love that it feels its turning into...which I havent felt this way since I can remember...maybe pure good will come out of it...So there, thats whats on my mind...i couldnt talk to jon, so I decided i should get some of this out somehow.... time to sleep for a few hours.
Hopefully I'll come back to this soon....