What Made Us Think We Were Wise and Never Compromise..
Tis Sunday evening, another one spent at the laundry mat. I actually haven't been here in awhile, I've been working so much that mom and mike have gone without me the past couple times. I don't mind doing laundry really, its one of the more nonstressful events of the week. I can even take this time to write in here while I wait for it to dry. I have been in a weird mood today, surprise surpise...Its usually days like that when I decide to write in my journal :P How is it possible to be so surrounded by people and be so loved, and still feel like a loner? Maybe its just because how well I keep to myself and how independent I tend to be. I dunno, being weird today.
I had a great time last night, and nothing bad happened, I should be feeling pretty good today. I didn't even have much of a hangover, just still felt a little tipsy this morning lol I even had a good morning, church went really well and it was good to actually go to church for once on a sunday off. I've been pretty bad about sleeping in on sundays that I dont work. And given how busy my schedule has been and how little sleep I tend to get, im extra proud of myself for getting up this morning lol. Thoughts are really random today it seems...I have a lot to look forward to this month...one it's october, and I love october. I love fall and how damn pretty it gets outside, and I love sunny 60 degree weather days...Hopefully this week will have more of those..its been on the cold side lately, and the continuous rain made me realize how much I am going to miss the sun this winter...the other day it was really sunny and it felt so good, I forgot how much I am affected by the weather. Effing seasonal affective disorder. But I am going to try to enjoy it while it's still here. I want to try to get a couple more days outside juggling and playing at the park with Nathan before it gets too cold. I think this week will be one of those days....I really want to play frisbee too, I miss frisbee at the park. I have a good feeling about this month...I can't wait to start going to all the different haunts that Nathan and I are planning, it's gonna be pretty sweet :) I never had anyone that would actually search out and go to different ones with me. I use to think they were pretty neat when I was younger, but ever since I started working at the Haunting I found a whole new appreciation for Haunted houses and such, even if I did just become more desensitized to them lol Maybe thats why I like them better, i unno.
Im still not sure if im crazy, stupid, or just more accepting for talking to Dane. And the fact we're back on a closer level.
Sometimes I think im just so use to this that I just keep resorting back to it...I'm not With him...we just act like it when we're together...I do care about the man and do love him...but it'd be a miracle before I trusted ever going back to a committed relationship...Truth is, I WANT to find someone else...I've tried and have my options open, willing to date and find someone else I clicked with..well go figure, the only person thats come into my life that I click with and truly Want to be with, I can't. But even still, I'm stuck on it. See, that's what happens when you fall in love with someone who turns into your best friend. Alyssa and I will always be best friends, but Nathan and I bring different things to the table. With Alyssa's new busy work schedule and my consistent schedule, we havent seen or talked as much lately..it's kind of sad actually, I should probably find a day and some time to do something with her other then the few minutes I see her here and there when I watch Zoie...but given the distance and all the things going on in her life, I dont really talk to her much about what goes on with me and everything else..It seems with everyone else I usually just listen, I've always been the person to listen to people when they need someone to talk to..and my family is so full of talkers, that I've always been the "quiet one" because I can't get a word in with my mom or mike but they always have a lot to say, so I just sit back and listen...and thats fine..but for some reason, I completely unleash on Nathan. As soon as we're together or on the phone, I tell him every damn thought that comes into my head...sometimes I feel like an annoying blabbering idiot when I get off the phone with him..I know he doesn't see me that way, he's reassured me plenty of times, because I constantly ask, but its because I consistently feel like that! I never stop talking! lol I dont know what it is about being on the phone with him but I just go on and on to the point where I'm annoying MYself and sick of hearing me talk...ugh...but he listens to all of it..he remembers what I tell him and he doesn't just remember it, but he can apply it to future conversations and discussions we have...it's very rare for me to talk to someone and later have them remember what I said and know what I'm talking about when I mention something on a person level that I just barely mentioned to them...Fuck, most my boyfriends could hardly remember what I did that day even after they asked me 3 times and I'd still have to remind them about petty things all the time. Point is, everything just reinforcing things that have developed..When I'm upset, who's the one person that turn that around almost instantly without barely trying...just Being there..talking to me...hearing his voice..im instantly put in a better mood...who listens to me better then anyone else ever has...who can I rely on to keep his word to me, keep his promises and dates that are set..when we set ourselves out to do something, we actually do it, or at least put forth our best efforts to...I have the most fun times with him,..and just within this past year alone I have gained many memories and experiences that have been the best times of my life..To be honest..one reason I think I talk so much when we're on the phone...is simply so I can keep him there..I dont want to stop talking because I don't want to let him go..which is why I talk about stupid random petty stuff a lot that he probably doesn't care if he knows about or not lol but I grasp on to any little thing to keep him there even just a little bit longer. I Hate saying goodnight or goodbye to him...its the worst part of my day, I get so worked up and happy that I have him around or am talking to him, and it has that strong of an effect when I have to let him go, I dont wanna do it. I do the same thing when we're in person..I find any excuse to keep the night going..and I swear I'd hug him forever if it meant keeping him around. I feel so damn redundant...keep reposting and going over and over the same topic and the same things...but thats because my mind never stops...and that's always running through it...I'm so glad that we're friends, I always want to be friends with him, it seriously means so much to me...but with that said, I need to tell my heart to disconnect a little more..sometimes I feel I need to remind myself that he's my best friend, not my lover. I can't hold certain expectations in my heart for things that cannot come to be...he fulfills so many of the empty parts in my heart and life that sometimes it just feels so natural to want him to fulfill the rest....and even though I want all of him in every, and I dont want to stop wanting it...I need to work on that a little before it becomes a problem...if only I could Just see him as my friend, instead of envisioning how amazing we could be, and how amazing we are..how perfect things could be..even when we came across issues and problems...it'd still be amazing and perfect to me because it'd with him..maybe if I could stop thinking about that and stop acknowledging it..maybe then I could put myself contently into that friendship position and just be satisfied with that and stop wanting more. Ugh what the fuck is wrroooonnnnnng with me...I claim not to be boy obsessed...but look at me...look at how many people I've slept with..how many people I've pursued and been pursued by...granted its usually me getting pursued and once in awhile I respond...and I definitely don't go after any guy who shows interest...I don't NEed someone in my life to feel like myself or to be happy and function...but look at me..obsessing...this time I feel it's pretty justified though...we really are great friends and you really dont find connections like this every day in your life...sometimes I wish my mind would just shut up a little though..It's no wonder I'm always on the go, my Brain is always on the go! Im always thinking and contemplating and pondering and talking on and on in my head..even when I'm just relaxing..thats when its the worse actually...when im out and busy and keeping myself busy, it keeps my mind busy and I can calm a lot of these thoughts and on going mental discussions.
Some days I wish I could just disappear to a different location and start over, and keep only my close and meaningful relationships in tact through various means, and see if my quality of life would improve any, and my overall happiness..It's not that bad, but some days I feel like im just surviving enough to get by. Idk my brain is rambling and I'm rambling...
Tomorrow I have to go to the doctors for my consultation. That should be interesting. I dont know what we'll actually get done tomorrow, but maybe sometime...Should be a good conversation started..
."So what brings you to our clinic today, Erin?"
"Well you see, Doctor, a combination of things really. For starters I haven't had a period in almost 7 months, that seems a little problematic..I've gone 5 before, but I figured 6 to 7 was pushing it. Oh and I had a pap smear over a year ago that came up with possible abnormalities, I was supposed to come back in about 8 months and test again to see if it corrected itself...huh, Better late then never right? Oh and PCOS and thyroid problems are prominent in my family...given a lot of my various symptoms I wouldn't mind some testing on that, you know, just to be sure. Since I have no clue what the fuck is wrong with me :) So were would you like to start?"
Yeah...sounds good. I really hope it's nothing weird or serious...and something I can do something about...I mean they might just put me back on birth control again and try to regulate things. Actually I'm almost positive that's going to be one of the steps, but I dont know what else will happen...I truthfully have a fear of hpv and having a strand that causes cancer..not that I really think I have it, but knowing it is a possibility. And knowing my luck...anything is possible...I always tend to get the shitty end of the deal in life...its a general trend. But I also have the uncanny ability to get through just about anything and end up okay, so guess we shall see.
I've rambled enough...I dont know how much time I'll be able to update much this week...given that I have dr. apts and errands all morning tomorrow and then work...and then tuesday an all day of class...work wed. morning and all evening of interviewing Walraven and then Class with Walraven. Then thrusday I have am class...but then I actually dont know what I'm doing...possibly spending time with Nathan, but if that doesn't work out, maybe doing dinner or something with Alyssa...so thursday won't be so bad...maybe have some time there...and then work friday..and then definitely kickin some ass with Nathan, probably getting in some juggling/acro if the weather is as good as it claims it will be..and maybe hitting up a haunt! So that'll be fun either way. So here's hoping for a good week. We shall see.
I had a great time last night, and nothing bad happened, I should be feeling pretty good today. I didn't even have much of a hangover, just still felt a little tipsy this morning lol I even had a good morning, church went really well and it was good to actually go to church for once on a sunday off. I've been pretty bad about sleeping in on sundays that I dont work. And given how busy my schedule has been and how little sleep I tend to get, im extra proud of myself for getting up this morning lol. Thoughts are really random today it seems...I have a lot to look forward to this month...one it's october, and I love october. I love fall and how damn pretty it gets outside, and I love sunny 60 degree weather days...Hopefully this week will have more of those..its been on the cold side lately, and the continuous rain made me realize how much I am going to miss the sun this winter...the other day it was really sunny and it felt so good, I forgot how much I am affected by the weather. Effing seasonal affective disorder. But I am going to try to enjoy it while it's still here. I want to try to get a couple more days outside juggling and playing at the park with Nathan before it gets too cold. I think this week will be one of those days....I really want to play frisbee too, I miss frisbee at the park. I have a good feeling about this month...I can't wait to start going to all the different haunts that Nathan and I are planning, it's gonna be pretty sweet :) I never had anyone that would actually search out and go to different ones with me. I use to think they were pretty neat when I was younger, but ever since I started working at the Haunting I found a whole new appreciation for Haunted houses and such, even if I did just become more desensitized to them lol Maybe thats why I like them better, i unno.
Im still not sure if im crazy, stupid, or just more accepting for talking to Dane. And the fact we're back on a closer level.
Sometimes I think im just so use to this that I just keep resorting back to it...I'm not With him...we just act like it when we're together...I do care about the man and do love him...but it'd be a miracle before I trusted ever going back to a committed relationship...Truth is, I WANT to find someone else...I've tried and have my options open, willing to date and find someone else I clicked with..well go figure, the only person thats come into my life that I click with and truly Want to be with, I can't. But even still, I'm stuck on it. See, that's what happens when you fall in love with someone who turns into your best friend. Alyssa and I will always be best friends, but Nathan and I bring different things to the table. With Alyssa's new busy work schedule and my consistent schedule, we havent seen or talked as much lately..it's kind of sad actually, I should probably find a day and some time to do something with her other then the few minutes I see her here and there when I watch Zoie...but given the distance and all the things going on in her life, I dont really talk to her much about what goes on with me and everything else..It seems with everyone else I usually just listen, I've always been the person to listen to people when they need someone to talk to..and my family is so full of talkers, that I've always been the "quiet one" because I can't get a word in with my mom or mike but they always have a lot to say, so I just sit back and listen...and thats fine..but for some reason, I completely unleash on Nathan. As soon as we're together or on the phone, I tell him every damn thought that comes into my head...sometimes I feel like an annoying blabbering idiot when I get off the phone with him..I know he doesn't see me that way, he's reassured me plenty of times, because I constantly ask, but its because I consistently feel like that! I never stop talking! lol I dont know what it is about being on the phone with him but I just go on and on to the point where I'm annoying MYself and sick of hearing me talk...ugh...but he listens to all of it..he remembers what I tell him and he doesn't just remember it, but he can apply it to future conversations and discussions we have...it's very rare for me to talk to someone and later have them remember what I said and know what I'm talking about when I mention something on a person level that I just barely mentioned to them...Fuck, most my boyfriends could hardly remember what I did that day even after they asked me 3 times and I'd still have to remind them about petty things all the time. Point is, everything just reinforcing things that have developed..When I'm upset, who's the one person that turn that around almost instantly without barely trying...just Being there..talking to me...hearing his voice..im instantly put in a better mood...who listens to me better then anyone else ever has...who can I rely on to keep his word to me, keep his promises and dates that are set..when we set ourselves out to do something, we actually do it, or at least put forth our best efforts to...I have the most fun times with him,..and just within this past year alone I have gained many memories and experiences that have been the best times of my life..To be honest..one reason I think I talk so much when we're on the phone...is simply so I can keep him there..I dont want to stop talking because I don't want to let him go..which is why I talk about stupid random petty stuff a lot that he probably doesn't care if he knows about or not lol but I grasp on to any little thing to keep him there even just a little bit longer. I Hate saying goodnight or goodbye to him...its the worst part of my day, I get so worked up and happy that I have him around or am talking to him, and it has that strong of an effect when I have to let him go, I dont wanna do it. I do the same thing when we're in person..I find any excuse to keep the night going..and I swear I'd hug him forever if it meant keeping him around. I feel so damn redundant...keep reposting and going over and over the same topic and the same things...but thats because my mind never stops...and that's always running through it...I'm so glad that we're friends, I always want to be friends with him, it seriously means so much to me...but with that said, I need to tell my heart to disconnect a little more..sometimes I feel I need to remind myself that he's my best friend, not my lover. I can't hold certain expectations in my heart for things that cannot come to be...he fulfills so many of the empty parts in my heart and life that sometimes it just feels so natural to want him to fulfill the rest....and even though I want all of him in every, and I dont want to stop wanting it...I need to work on that a little before it becomes a problem...if only I could Just see him as my friend, instead of envisioning how amazing we could be, and how amazing we are..how perfect things could be..even when we came across issues and problems...it'd still be amazing and perfect to me because it'd with him..maybe if I could stop thinking about that and stop acknowledging it..maybe then I could put myself contently into that friendship position and just be satisfied with that and stop wanting more. Ugh what the fuck is wrroooonnnnnng with me...I claim not to be boy obsessed...but look at me...look at how many people I've slept with..how many people I've pursued and been pursued by...granted its usually me getting pursued and once in awhile I respond...and I definitely don't go after any guy who shows interest...I don't NEed someone in my life to feel like myself or to be happy and function...but look at me..obsessing...this time I feel it's pretty justified though...we really are great friends and you really dont find connections like this every day in your life...sometimes I wish my mind would just shut up a little though..It's no wonder I'm always on the go, my Brain is always on the go! Im always thinking and contemplating and pondering and talking on and on in my head..even when I'm just relaxing..thats when its the worse actually...when im out and busy and keeping myself busy, it keeps my mind busy and I can calm a lot of these thoughts and on going mental discussions.
Some days I wish I could just disappear to a different location and start over, and keep only my close and meaningful relationships in tact through various means, and see if my quality of life would improve any, and my overall happiness..It's not that bad, but some days I feel like im just surviving enough to get by. Idk my brain is rambling and I'm rambling...
Tomorrow I have to go to the doctors for my consultation. That should be interesting. I dont know what we'll actually get done tomorrow, but maybe sometime...Should be a good conversation started..
."So what brings you to our clinic today, Erin?"
"Well you see, Doctor, a combination of things really. For starters I haven't had a period in almost 7 months, that seems a little problematic..I've gone 5 before, but I figured 6 to 7 was pushing it. Oh and I had a pap smear over a year ago that came up with possible abnormalities, I was supposed to come back in about 8 months and test again to see if it corrected itself...huh, Better late then never right? Oh and PCOS and thyroid problems are prominent in my family...given a lot of my various symptoms I wouldn't mind some testing on that, you know, just to be sure. Since I have no clue what the fuck is wrong with me :) So were would you like to start?"
Yeah...sounds good. I really hope it's nothing weird or serious...and something I can do something about...I mean they might just put me back on birth control again and try to regulate things. Actually I'm almost positive that's going to be one of the steps, but I dont know what else will happen...I truthfully have a fear of hpv and having a strand that causes cancer..not that I really think I have it, but knowing it is a possibility. And knowing my luck...anything is possible...I always tend to get the shitty end of the deal in life...its a general trend. But I also have the uncanny ability to get through just about anything and end up okay, so guess we shall see.
I've rambled enough...I dont know how much time I'll be able to update much this week...given that I have dr. apts and errands all morning tomorrow and then work...and then tuesday an all day of class...work wed. morning and all evening of interviewing Walraven and then Class with Walraven. Then thrusday I have am class...but then I actually dont know what I'm doing...possibly spending time with Nathan, but if that doesn't work out, maybe doing dinner or something with Alyssa...so thursday won't be so bad...maybe have some time there...and then work friday..and then definitely kickin some ass with Nathan, probably getting in some juggling/acro if the weather is as good as it claims it will be..and maybe hitting up a haunt! So that'll be fun either way. So here's hoping for a good week. We shall see.