untameable

[toria44]

I'm not exactly sure why I am the way that I am, I just know that theres no changing who I am. I am this loving affectionate person, who is in constant need of being loved, being needed, being near...and yet I'm very independent..possibly too independent...I always want what I can't have...and it seems that when I get it...I almost don't want it anymore. Or maybe its this other idea that is burning in the back of my head...I'm like this untameable, free spirited, spontaneous creature...just when I think I found what I will be happy with for the rest of my life...I let it go, I can't say that all my decisions or options were to end there...well thats reasonable enough...but then guy after guy comes along..and one who would love me and be everything for me...I refuse to go beyond a friendship with...because I love him so much as a friend and right now since I'm sure of at least that, I want to keep that one thing as sure as possible for as long as possible..and so I am pushing all these great people away to a certain point and not really letting them go, just not letting them in...just last week I broke up with Eric...yeah, did you know I was dating Eric? well I did for about 3 weeks...and then I ended it...at first it seemed perfect..we liked each other and there wasn't really any pressure or complications...which is what I thought I wanted, something simple...and then my mind decides that I just want to be on my own, because simple seems so pointless right now but I only want something complex if its truly worth it and I know I'm willing to fight with all I have...but I think its going to take one hell of a man to tame this mind down. Even when I myself am convinced I love someone and am ready to dedicate my life to that person...my mind brings me back to my own reality and reminds me that I need to keep looking, theres just not something there or its not quite right...I have no doubt in my mind that I capable of truly loving someone, because I do and I did..I loved Chenaniah with all my heart...but my mind wasn't convinced that he was the one for me...so now..even after I break up with Eric..saying I only want friendships and don't want to get into anything unless I know for sure that it will be worth at least one hell of a fight...the way love should be, the highs and lows, the good and the bad, everything a relationship offers, and wanting to take on it all...after all of that, and still feeling that way...I start talking to someone else, and I don't know what my mind is trying to tell me about him. One reason I wanted to be single though was to give things a chance without being IN any sort of relationship unless I knew its what I wanted, as said before...but I know I'm not the person who feels right with just being with one person one day and someone else the next, until I find that one impossible man who can miraculously turn my mind upside down and inside out...so I don't know what to do. I haven't lied to my friends, I just haven't given most of them the full story of what I'm after...I'm a bit selfish with my real feelings...like there mine to handle and I don't need someone else to tell me what to do or how to do it because I don't like to think anyone else really understands what I feel, they only think they do, but its not their job to understand completely anyways, because I don't even fully understand them so I dont want someone else telling me they know what I'm all about and what I'm feeling....see I'm stubborn and proud...I love those dear to me with so much passion and care that I can't even explain...but I still think I'm more wild and untameable then anyone will ever see...because I don't give out all the information that people are asking for because some of it I'm refusing to believe myself...or don't know if I want to believe, so I don't even bother bringing it up. All I know is that I need to be me right now...the only person out there that I think can truly calm down this wild, impossible mind of mine...is Tom. He could maybe even be there when I am out of school and on my own, because he's just as wild as I am, and I think he could keep me going...but I am not holding on to that right now because if its going to be with him it won't be right now in this time and day...I probably pull myself away from people not because I don't want to be with them right now, but because I'm afraid what I'll want later, when I get pulled back into my own reality and I've already changed one life completely, already destroyed one mans heart..and I don't that to happen again any time soon, which is why theres no joe or eric or lino..or anyone right now, unless I know it will be safe when my mind goes insane again...I want to try..I want to see if it'll be different with someone here right now..which is probably why I'm talking to the guy I am right now, its new and I know I'm insanely curious as to what could happen...but I don't want to hurt him either, so I will be careful, but who's to say I won't feel differently when things get going..one thing I'm sure of which is what my real point of all of this is...is that I am wild, untameable, and no one who knows me right now really understands that or needs to...but there are reasons I do what I do...even if I don't understand them myself yet...I love so many in my life, but I can't change what my mind is doing right now...these thoughts were so much clearer last week...but the idea is still in there somewhere...not that this journal really needs to make sense to anyone else because probably no one else will read it...but if they do...good luck to them...don't try to get me all figured out yet either...thats my job...let me work on that first...I know deep down I want that someone I don't even know (or tom) to come down right now and turn everything around for me, take away all these wild claims and tame my heart that just won't stop...but I won't hold my breath...it seriously is going to take one hell of a man and what I'm afraid of..is that maybe this man doesn't even exist, I really don't know...but...I have time...I need my friends to be my friends, unless I tell them differently...which I won't in most cases...and I know I need to work on my own actions and such...but I am just a work in progress...don't write my life story yet, I'm still creating it and I'm only on the prologue.
~Torie~Erin~Me~