(no subject)
Someone has picked me up, turned me upside-down and shaken all the change out of my pockets.
What the hell do I do with the rest of my life? Immediately I'm inspired by nothing, and the only enticing career options I see before me are all highly improbable. Have I been conditioned to believe that the only things I can do don't involve a cubicle? Have I done that? Surely experience has taught me to hate that kind of existence, but I've charted a path that my result in having to accept it.
So what do I do? All my life I've had 47,000 things going at once, and now that it seems I've got to make a decision to actually choose a direction I'm at a loss. Doing just one thing sounds so boring, but it doesn't seem I have much of a choice. Right?
And what about graduating a semester early? I'll be done in January and then what? I'll still be living with three of my friends who will be in school and I'll be the schmuck asking them to turn the music down at 11:00 because I've got to be at work in the morning. How is this going to be possible? How is any of it possible? Why am I here? In the snow. The snow. Now ice, and a foot high in most places.
But I can't go back to Santa Rosa because somehow that would be admitting defeat. I'm supposed to be here, right? I was supposed to go a long way away and make it. Make it? For whose benefit? Mine? More and more I find it has little to do with me, or if it does, it still comes back to other people. Do you know why I want to perform? Why I want my name in lights? Because I want to overhear someone telling someone else about me. That's what it's about. Affirmation. Respect. Admiration. Is that wrong? Is it wrong to admit it? To put it down on [digital] paper? How about voicing it? That's got to be some kind of cardinal sin, right?
And then what if it never comes? What if I toil and face rejection and after five years realize that it's not going to happen? Then what? Have I failed? I don't think so, but if you talk to me then I might be whistling a different tune.
Nothing inspires now. I'm waiting for the sign that I'm climbing out of the valley.
What the hell do I do with the rest of my life? Immediately I'm inspired by nothing, and the only enticing career options I see before me are all highly improbable. Have I been conditioned to believe that the only things I can do don't involve a cubicle? Have I done that? Surely experience has taught me to hate that kind of existence, but I've charted a path that my result in having to accept it.
So what do I do? All my life I've had 47,000 things going at once, and now that it seems I've got to make a decision to actually choose a direction I'm at a loss. Doing just one thing sounds so boring, but it doesn't seem I have much of a choice. Right?
And what about graduating a semester early? I'll be done in January and then what? I'll still be living with three of my friends who will be in school and I'll be the schmuck asking them to turn the music down at 11:00 because I've got to be at work in the morning. How is this going to be possible? How is any of it possible? Why am I here? In the snow. The snow. Now ice, and a foot high in most places.
But I can't go back to Santa Rosa because somehow that would be admitting defeat. I'm supposed to be here, right? I was supposed to go a long way away and make it. Make it? For whose benefit? Mine? More and more I find it has little to do with me, or if it does, it still comes back to other people. Do you know why I want to perform? Why I want my name in lights? Because I want to overhear someone telling someone else about me. That's what it's about. Affirmation. Respect. Admiration. Is that wrong? Is it wrong to admit it? To put it down on [digital] paper? How about voicing it? That's got to be some kind of cardinal sin, right?
And then what if it never comes? What if I toil and face rejection and after five years realize that it's not going to happen? Then what? Have I failed? I don't think so, but if you talk to me then I might be whistling a different tune.
Nothing inspires now. I'm waiting for the sign that I'm climbing out of the valley.