[RL WITH SULU]

[torchwoodteaboy]

It'd been a week. A week since that first day that he'd come back from the hospital, and Sulu had had to help him around his flat. A week, most of which he'd spent in a sort of semi-conscious, fatigued and weary state, shuffling about trying to get the necessary things done, but only just succeeding. As Ianto sat on the edge of his bed, just having

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[torchwoodteaboy]

After the first couple of sobs, Ianto couldn't help it anymore. He just let himself go. And suddenly Sulu was there, and his hands were so warm on his arms, he was just so warm in general, Ianto could feel the body heat radiating off of him, and he could hear his words of apology, but he couldn't get himself to do anything in response, because the floodgates had been opened, and there was no stopping it.

He wanted to tell Sulu that it wasn't his fault. That he understood, and he was sorry for blaming him. That he knew it was out of both of their control, and that it was just chance, and they'd just drawn a bad card today. That he was just having a bad day and that it was alright because tomorrow would have to be better, right? But he couldn't, because there were parts of him that did blame Sulu, there were parts of him that were convinced that this was it, and that they might not even have this for long, that things might get worse, that he might be taken again, and it scared him so much. Ianto shifted, leaning forward toward Sulu, not moving a lot, but enough to press his forehead against Sulu's chest, one of his hands reaching out to grip at Sulu's shirt, holding on as if it was his last lifeline, the other still clenched, covering his face, as he sobbed into his knees, leaning against Sulu's solid warm presence in front of him.

[takeitoutofpark]

Sulu imagined that this was the closest he could get to the feeling of free-fall with both of his feet on the ground. He felt helpless and weak and it was an awful, gut-wrenching feeling because Ianto was too upset, too hurt by everything Sulu had done that day to reassure him, and Sulu simply had to struggle to be able to help Ianto. He was the problem here, he knew, but he was still going to try. He didn't even know what had upset Ianto to begin with, four hours earlier; he had no idea what he was supposed to be defending the other from. This wasn't something he could fight, but it wasn't something he could just accept.

"Shh," he murmured, shifting as close as their positions would allow, moving a hand to hold Ianto's, letting his grip stay as tight as he wanted on his shirt. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to get short with you. It's going to be okay, I'm... I'm not going to keep failing you like this, I swear."

[torchwoodteaboy]

Ianto shook his head, forcing the words out through the tears, making his voice rough and cracking and anything but steady as he spoke. He had to pause in between words to let out the sobs he was holding in to speak, sucking in breaths of air in between them, and he probably sounded even worse than when he was just staying quiet, but. He couldn't let Sulu say things like that. "No. Don't... Don't. It's not. You didn't fail me. I... God damn it, I know. There was nothing you could do. I shouldn't. You're....here now and I. I'm glad. It's just. Oh god. I. Don't be upset with me. I. I can't...stand it."

Ianto wanted nothing more in that moment than to reach forward and wrap himself in Sulu's arms and just stay there until he felt better, but that would mean he needed to pick himself up, and he couldn't. The force of his emotions left him huddled in on himself there, clutching at whatever support he could get from the other man in front of him.

[takeitoutofpark]

"I'm not upset at you," Sulu said, momentarily staggered by Ianto's words and the voice he'd used. Even at his worse, Ianto had never been this bad and it was all Sulu's fault, for not thinking about every possibility when it came to bringing him back, for not preparing a solution to every possible variable like he would have if he'd been smart about it. And he wanted to tell Ianto that, he wanted to apologize for letting him come back when Sulu had no idea how to fix everything for him, but he knew that Ianto would just feel worse for that and he couldn't do that to him.

"I'm not upset because of you," he repeated, resigned but firm. "I'm upset because I can't do anything, and that. It's. ...I hate that I can't help you. I hate it. And I let myself take that out on you and that is my fault, that has nothing to do with you or how you're feeling. You have every right to be angry at me, because I'm being the worst kind of person in the world just because I feel useless."

[torchwoodteaboy]

Ianto's hand tightened on his shirt. "You're not. Not useless. Not to me." He tried to get himself to calm down, taking in deep breaths, but still shuddering every now and then as another sob shook his frame. "If. If you're useless, then. I'm..." He sucked in another hiccuping breath of air. He couldn't even make it up and down the stairs himself without needing a rest. If Sulu was useless, then Ianto was beyond hope. He shook his head. "I need you. I need you here. With me. That's not. That's not useless."

After a few more moments of sitting there, trying to collect himself, the cold really was starting to get to him, and he shivered violently. He hadn't even noticed while he was sitting there, but now that he could feel how warm Sulu was. "I need..." He sucked in a breath, trying to calm himself down. "I... It's cold. I'm cold. I. Take...take me inside? I want to go inside. With you." Ianto wasn't sure he was quite ready to make the trek upstairs to the bedroom, but. The couch was comfortable for sitting with each other, and he wasn't about to try going to sleep quite just yet.

[takeitoutofpark]

Sulu didn't know how Ianto couldn't see just how completely useless he was here. He couldn't even be there when Ianto needed him to be there; all he could do was come four hours late and be short with him like an ass. How was that useful? How was that even remotely helpful to Ianto?

But when Ianto asked to go inside, all he could think was that yes, damn it, if that's what you want. It was the smallest, most stupid thing to feel useful over but he grabbed it anyway, holding the simple request as though it were a direct command. "Of course," he whispered, "Anything. Anything you want, I swear."

Carefully, he moved to stand, his hands gripping Ianto's arms to help pull him up, as slowly as he needed, blankets be damned. He'd pick them up and bring them inside once Ianto was in, and then he'd never leave. ...But he had to. He had to go. He couldn't keep putting off his job for Ianto, he had responsibilities. He could only hope that he could stay long enough to make a difference.

[torchwoodteaboy]

Ianto stood, gingerly, grateful for Sulu's hands there to help pull him up, because he was stiff from sitting on the doorstep to his back garden for far too long. As he straightened, the blankets dropping to the ground as neither of his hands were free to keep them on, and he shivered violently against the cold night air. It had been chilly, even for this time of year, and without the added protection of the blankets around him, Ianto's t-shirt didn't stand a chance at fighting off the night breezes.

Ianto leaned into Sulu's support as they made their way back into his flat, through the kitchen and into the living room. Rather than letting Sulu continue to guide him upstairs to the bedroom, though, Ianto veered sideways, making it clear that he wanted to stay on the first floor, in the living room. As Sulu guided Ianto to the couch, he sank down on one end, shivering, keeping a tight grip on Sulu's hands even after he was seated. He didn't want to let go, but also really needed the other man to fetch the blankets from where they'd left them. So he looked up at Sulu, his blue eyes wide, sad, and very lost, still full of tears, and asked him, "...sit with me? When you get back? I. Please?"

[takeitoutofpark]

Sulu made no move to pull away from Ianto as he sat, keeping close and holding his hands, pulling them to his chest briefly as he leaned over to kiss Ianto's forehead. "Anything you want," he murmured, "I'll sit with you for as long as you want." All he had to do was get the blankets for Ianto and then he would sit and keep Ianto company and try his best to help fix whatever damage the last four hours of his absence had caused.

He practically jogged to the back door, picking up the blankets and brushing off bits of dirt before taking them inside, closing the back door behind him. He paused for just a moment, closing his eyes and taking a deep, shuddering breath, because he needed to be strong right now, more than anything, and then he continued to the living room, sitting down in the middle of the sofa before handing the blankets over. As he had all that time ago, when they'd first gotten together in the hospital, Sulu stayed close to Ianto, not wanting to give an illusion of separation.

"Here you go," he said as he handed the blankets to Ianto, letting him adjust however he liked before handing over any more, "That'll help keep you warm." He could help, too, but he didn't know how much Ianto really wanted him around right then.

[torchwoodteaboy]

Ianto shifted closer to Sulu on the couch, pressing up against his side, resting his head on the other man's shoulder, pulling the blankets over both of them, even though he knew Sulu probably wasn't that cold in that moment. He was, and the added heat of Sulu under the blankets would heat everything up a lot faster, he knew, so. He reached, taking Sulu's closest hand in his own, his skin ice cold to the touch, he knew, as he shivered and tried to draw as much warmth from the other man as quickly as he could.

After a long moment, when Ianto was pretty sure he had most of the crying done, the tears once again under control, he let out a shaky breath, closing his eyes and relaxing against Sulu's shoulder. He felt like he needed to explain himself, but. No, of course Sulu would listen to him, this time. He'd just been busy, earlier. There hadn't been time for long explanations. Ianto had to remind himself of that fiercely before he could speak. "I... I'm sorry," he said, softly. "It's. It's been... It's been a bad day." And not just because no one had been around. Jack wasn't around for the majority of the day each of the days he'd spent home from the hospital, but. Ianto had felt more sick than usual on this day. And maybe it was all in his head, but it had sent him spiraling down a very horrible train of thought that, well, had led them to where they were, right there and then.

[takeitoutofpark]

Sulu practically sagged into Ianto as he curled up with him under the blankets, pulling them so that they were comfortably spread over both of them while giving the majority to Ianto. He needed it more than Sulu did, after all - he was so, so cold. Like he'd been on the way to the hospital. Sulu shivered himself and reached, twisting to put an arm around Ianto and still keep their hands clasped. He wished he'd gotten Ianto in sooner. He didn't even know how long the other man had been out there - for all he knew, he could have been out there for the whole four hours.

He wished Ianto wouldn't apologize to him. None of this, none of this was his fault, and he didn't want him to think that it was. But he knew, also, that trying to tell him not to apologize would be useless, just as Ianto telling him had done nothing to ease his fear or guilt. "It's okay," he said instead, rubbing his thumb over Ianto's ice cold hand. He twisted his neck to get a good look at Ianto, as good as he could with how they were positioned. "Tell me about it?"

[torchwoodteaboy]

Ianto shut his eyes, breathing deeply as he tried to figure out what he wanted to say to the other man. He didn't really want to let him know that he wasn't feeling any better than he had the week before, even if it was pretty obvious just by looking at him, by the way he had been acting. He needed to make a note to try and make himself seem better, it was just. Today, he couldn't seem to do it. He'd been doing so much better about it, but then Jack had left him for London and the prospect of an empty flat just left him...

"Jack's in London," he said, softly. "Haven't seen him all day. Haven't seen anyone all day. I... I don't know if it was because everyone else was busy or whether I just. I mean. It. It was so quiet. So lonely. So much like...like there that I..." He tried to get his explanation out without saying anything about the fact that this was all centered around him not feeling any better. He didn't want Sulu to know that his health hadn't improved at all. Sure, he still looked tired, and sick, but. That didn't mean that Sulu would know that nothing had changed, right? Ianto shivered again, pressing himself closer to the other man, hoping that it wasn't as obvious as he seemed to think it was that he was holding something back in that explanation.

[takeitoutofpark]

Sulu made a quiet, calming sound when Ianto trailed off, the hand Ianto was holding on to clutching back at him tightly. Sulu had no idea what Ianto was going through, not really, but even then, his explanation wasn't a surprise to him. Sulu could tell that sometimes Ianto... thought about it, maybe without meaning to. Thought about the dark and whatever was there, waiting for him, waiting to hurt him and it made Sulu angry. What kind of afterlife was that?

He knew that having things making noise all over the flat wasn't going to help. There wasn't going to be something to fix, not so simply. Knowing that, he didn't know what to say. How to make things even a little better for Ianto. "I'm sorry," he said once again, relying on what he could do, "I know... I know this is hard for you. I want to be able to help you when things get that bad, I just. ...You're still freezing," he said quietly, because Ianto was still cold, and he might've set back any positive developments by sitting out there for so long. He didn't even question that Ianto was getting better - he had to be.

[torchwoodteaboy]

Ianto turned his head so that his forehead rested against Sulu's shoulder. God, even his nose was cold, he found out, as he felt it warming from the contact with the other man. "I... I don't know how long I've been out there," he confided in Sulu. "I... It didn't feel quite so bad when I could hear other people. I...guess that I sort of lost track of the time." He shivered, pressing himself as close as he could, given the way that they were sitting. He wanted to wrap himself around Sulu and steal all the warmth that he was giving, but. There was still something awkward between the two of them. Ianto felt awkward, especially, for crying at him, for making him feel bad, for...for needing him so much, and even after having been hurt by him, being so grateful that he was finally there.

Ianto was starting to shiver continuously, now that he was warming up. "Sorry," he said, apologizing for the motion of it, and the fact that he was basically clinging to the other man, relying on him for support and warmth as he rode it out, his body struggling to bring itself back to some semblance of a normal temperature. Or, well. As close as it had been managing, lately. "I... I am pretty cold. It. It had to be about 5 degrees out there. I should've known better..."

[takeitoutofpark]

Sulu couldn't help but jump at the cold as Ianto pressed his face against his shoulder. He winced and began rubbing Ianto's shoulder, trying to help him warm up as quickly as possible. He hated how cold Ianto was. It wasn't... it scared him, he knew, but it went beyond just a fear of him catching something. It made him wonder if Ianto was always going to run cold like this, forever, more than he had before.

Pushing the thoughts away again, Sulu smiled weakly at Ianto's comments. "Don't apologize, it's okay. We'll just get you warmed up and then..." And then what? What was there to do, when Ianto was feeling as bad as he did? Sulu paused, then asked, "How have you been feeling, lately?" Because right now, yes, Ianto looked just as bad as ever, but it couldn't possibly be the norm for him. No part of Sulu wanted to believe that.

[torchwoodteaboy]

Ianto sighed, both at the question, but also in relief because Sulu's rubbing his shoulder was helping him warm up. He could only hope to hide the first reason behind the second one, and hope that Sulu wouldn't notice. "Mmm," he said, in response to Sulu's actions, letting out a soft noise of approval as he did start to warmer than he had before.

How to answer Sulu's question without outright lying to him, though? Ianto had promised himself that he wouldn't outright lie to the other man, and he intended to keep that promise. It...didn't cover implying something other than the truth, he decided, but. Outright lying was out, and that would be difficult, especially in this situation. "I... I've been alright. Cold. Still tired, but. I mean, I guess that's to be expected. I... I think things're getting better, I just. I guess today's just a bit of a relapse, it seems," he said, trying to cover for the fact that he couldn't pretend to be better like he'd been doing for the last week, when Sulu and Jack had been visiting.

[takeitoutofpark]

Sulu took what Ianto was saying at face value, not thinking (or wanting to consider) that he might be hiding the truth. He nodded, resting his chin on top of Ianto's head. "That's okay. You're probably not just going to wake up one day and be completely healthy all of a sudden. Even in my time, that's not really possible." Not without lots of hyposprays and a very persistent CMO, at least. "We'll just take it one day at a time, and it'll work out."

He didn't know if he believed that, really, but his optimism had always brought good results and he wasn't about to abandon it now, when he needed it most. He would just work with what they had and hope for the best, because that was really all he could do. "Until then, though. I'll... I'll see if I can't talk to Jim about fixing my schedule until your better, so I can be available during your nights. I think he might be okay with it, now that he knows about the community again." He hoped, at least.