[RL WITH SULU]

[torchwoodteaboy]

It'd been a week. A week since that first day that he'd come back from the hospital, and Sulu had had to help him around his flat. A week, most of which he'd spent in a sort of semi-conscious, fatigued and weary state, shuffling about trying to get the necessary things done, but only just succeeding. As Ianto sat on the edge of his bed, just having

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[takeitoutofpark]

Sulu heard the change in Ianto's tone and knew that he'd said the wrong thing, or used the wrong tone, or something, but he couldn't even begin to unravel it and fix it. Not out here in the cold and the dark, with Ianto looking terrible and his anxiety making his heart pound in his chest. He needed to focus on this as logically as possible and do things in order of importance. Normally, talking would be on the top of the list, but right now...

"We should go inside," he said, quietly and sadly but firmly, because there was no way they were going to be able to talk like this. Not now. He couldn't help but look past Ianto, into the kitchen, remembering how they'd been a little awkward but relatively upbeat, forcing strange teas on a sick Jack, and it made him ache. He hadn't even seen Ianto smile, not more than a little, since... "I can make something to eat, or help you upstairs." Those were the only options Sulu could even see, and he wondered for just a second if those were going to be the only options from now on. He swiped the thought away, but he knew it'd come back. One thing at a time, though.

[torchwoodteaboy]

Ianto shook his head, not bothering to pick it up from where he had it resting on his knees, not really knowing if he could. He'd already eaten, not knowing whether Sulu'd be by any time soon. Not counting on him being able to be by any time soon. He'd tried to function as best he could on his own. He wasn't sure how much ordering takeout was exactly functioning on his own, but. At least he'd gotten food, and eaten it too.

He didn't like this feeling. Everything was starting to well up inside of him, and he didn't want to let it out, but he was going to have to. And he'd never been this tense around Sulu before, and he hated it. He hated that he was bringing out all of these negative sides of the man, that he was bringing him down with him as well. He didn't want to eat. He didn't want to lie down. He didn't know what he wanted, though. He couldn't think straight. And Sulu just didn't sound like himself, and it hurt, because he knew that it was all because of him. Tears sprang to his eyes and he clenched them shut to keep them at bay, their presence making it impossible for him to find his voice to really say anything in response to Sulu's offer.

[takeitoutofpark]

Sulu really didn't want to be upset with Ianto. He had no reason to be upset with him; he had failed him on a basic level and it was his fault that Ianto was feeling the way he was, that he was as sullen as he was, not Ianto's himself. But Sulu hated that fact. He didn't want to be the reason Ianto was upset, he didn't want to feel so guilty over something they both logically knew he had no control over.

When Ianto didn't respond other than to shake his head, Sulu closed his eyes and counted to ten mentally, opening his eyes again before stepping past Ianto to get into the flat. "If you sit out there for any longer, you're going to get colder than you already are," he said flatly, trying to school his voice into something calmer, less anxious and ragged than it wanted to be. He realized he'd failed, but damn it, damn it, he couldn't take that back, either, and the part of him that was irritated and tired and secretly terrified that this was all Ianto was ever going to be had won out.

[torchwoodteaboy]

As Sulu stepped over him, Ianto wanted to reach out and grab him as he passed, reach out and grab on and never let go, but he didn't move, he couldn't move, and then his chance was over and Sulu was out of reach and he was talking to him and... Ianto never wanted to hear Sulu's voice sound like this. Terrified and tired and irritated and it was all because of him and he couldn't take it back, couldn't do anything to fix it, because what if there was nothing that could be fixed?

Ianto couldn't move, couldn't will himself to get up and follow Sulu into the kitchen, couldn't make himself stand and pretend that everything was alright because it clearly wasn't, and maybe he'd be able to pretend later but he'd just spent the day to himself alone and aching and so bloody terrified that keeping up appearances would be nothing more than a sick joke. Unbidden, a sob worked its way up through Ianto's chest, and before he had any control over what it was doing, strangled, muffled against his knees but audible nonetheless, it ripped it's way up his throat and through his mouth. Ianto brought his hands to his face, covering it as another sob started to work its way out from where the first one came.

[takeitoutofpark]

When Sulu heard Ianto's quiet sobbing, he immediately turned to him, nearly tripping over himself to get to Ianto, feeling just... so fucking terrible that he hadn't even noticed, hadn't even realized that Ianto was so close to cracking, and that he'd let himself be petty and annoyed with him when none of this was Ianto's fault. He came around in front of Ianto and dropped to his knees, putting his hands on the other's arms through the blankets and resting his head on top of Ianto's, feeling how cool he was even under all that cover and feeling even worse for it.

"God, damn it, Ianto, I'm so sorry," he said, falling right back into the apologizing that he hadn't wanted to do before. "I didn't. I'm so sorry I wasn't here when you needed me and I'm sorry I'm here now when I can't help you. I'm sorry for the attitude." He was sorry for more than that, but he kept it to himself, not willing to tell Ianto just how sorry he was, not yet.

[torchwoodteaboy]

After the first couple of sobs, Ianto couldn't help it anymore. He just let himself go. And suddenly Sulu was there, and his hands were so warm on his arms, he was just so warm in general, Ianto could feel the body heat radiating off of him, and he could hear his words of apology, but he couldn't get himself to do anything in response, because the floodgates had been opened, and there was no stopping it.

He wanted to tell Sulu that it wasn't his fault. That he understood, and he was sorry for blaming him. That he knew it was out of both of their control, and that it was just chance, and they'd just drawn a bad card today. That he was just having a bad day and that it was alright because tomorrow would have to be better, right? But he couldn't, because there were parts of him that did blame Sulu, there were parts of him that were convinced that this was it, and that they might not even have this for long, that things might get worse, that he might be taken again, and it scared him so much. Ianto shifted, leaning forward toward Sulu, not moving a lot, but enough to press his forehead against Sulu's chest, one of his hands reaching out to grip at Sulu's shirt, holding on as if it was his last lifeline, the other still clenched, covering his face, as he sobbed into his knees, leaning against Sulu's solid warm presence in front of him.

[takeitoutofpark]

Sulu imagined that this was the closest he could get to the feeling of free-fall with both of his feet on the ground. He felt helpless and weak and it was an awful, gut-wrenching feeling because Ianto was too upset, too hurt by everything Sulu had done that day to reassure him, and Sulu simply had to struggle to be able to help Ianto. He was the problem here, he knew, but he was still going to try. He didn't even know what had upset Ianto to begin with, four hours earlier; he had no idea what he was supposed to be defending the other from. This wasn't something he could fight, but it wasn't something he could just accept.

"Shh," he murmured, shifting as close as their positions would allow, moving a hand to hold Ianto's, letting his grip stay as tight as he wanted on his shirt. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to get short with you. It's going to be okay, I'm... I'm not going to keep failing you like this, I swear."

[torchwoodteaboy]

Ianto shook his head, forcing the words out through the tears, making his voice rough and cracking and anything but steady as he spoke. He had to pause in between words to let out the sobs he was holding in to speak, sucking in breaths of air in between them, and he probably sounded even worse than when he was just staying quiet, but. He couldn't let Sulu say things like that. "No. Don't... Don't. It's not. You didn't fail me. I... God damn it, I know. There was nothing you could do. I shouldn't. You're....here now and I. I'm glad. It's just. Oh god. I. Don't be upset with me. I. I can't...stand it."

Ianto wanted nothing more in that moment than to reach forward and wrap himself in Sulu's arms and just stay there until he felt better, but that would mean he needed to pick himself up, and he couldn't. The force of his emotions left him huddled in on himself there, clutching at whatever support he could get from the other man in front of him.

[takeitoutofpark]

"I'm not upset at you," Sulu said, momentarily staggered by Ianto's words and the voice he'd used. Even at his worse, Ianto had never been this bad and it was all Sulu's fault, for not thinking about every possibility when it came to bringing him back, for not preparing a solution to every possible variable like he would have if he'd been smart about it. And he wanted to tell Ianto that, he wanted to apologize for letting him come back when Sulu had no idea how to fix everything for him, but he knew that Ianto would just feel worse for that and he couldn't do that to him.

"I'm not upset because of you," he repeated, resigned but firm. "I'm upset because I can't do anything, and that. It's. ...I hate that I can't help you. I hate it. And I let myself take that out on you and that is my fault, that has nothing to do with you or how you're feeling. You have every right to be angry at me, because I'm being the worst kind of person in the world just because I feel useless."

[torchwoodteaboy]

Ianto's hand tightened on his shirt. "You're not. Not useless. Not to me." He tried to get himself to calm down, taking in deep breaths, but still shuddering every now and then as another sob shook his frame. "If. If you're useless, then. I'm..." He sucked in another hiccuping breath of air. He couldn't even make it up and down the stairs himself without needing a rest. If Sulu was useless, then Ianto was beyond hope. He shook his head. "I need you. I need you here. With me. That's not. That's not useless."

After a few more moments of sitting there, trying to collect himself, the cold really was starting to get to him, and he shivered violently. He hadn't even noticed while he was sitting there, but now that he could feel how warm Sulu was. "I need..." He sucked in a breath, trying to calm himself down. "I... It's cold. I'm cold. I. Take...take me inside? I want to go inside. With you." Ianto wasn't sure he was quite ready to make the trek upstairs to the bedroom, but. The couch was comfortable for sitting with each other, and he wasn't about to try going to sleep quite just yet.

[takeitoutofpark]

Sulu didn't know how Ianto couldn't see just how completely useless he was here. He couldn't even be there when Ianto needed him to be there; all he could do was come four hours late and be short with him like an ass. How was that useful? How was that even remotely helpful to Ianto?

But when Ianto asked to go inside, all he could think was that yes, damn it, if that's what you want. It was the smallest, most stupid thing to feel useful over but he grabbed it anyway, holding the simple request as though it were a direct command. "Of course," he whispered, "Anything. Anything you want, I swear."

Carefully, he moved to stand, his hands gripping Ianto's arms to help pull him up, as slowly as he needed, blankets be damned. He'd pick them up and bring them inside once Ianto was in, and then he'd never leave. ...But he had to. He had to go. He couldn't keep putting off his job for Ianto, he had responsibilities. He could only hope that he could stay long enough to make a difference.

[torchwoodteaboy]

Ianto stood, gingerly, grateful for Sulu's hands there to help pull him up, because he was stiff from sitting on the doorstep to his back garden for far too long. As he straightened, the blankets dropping to the ground as neither of his hands were free to keep them on, and he shivered violently against the cold night air. It had been chilly, even for this time of year, and without the added protection of the blankets around him, Ianto's t-shirt didn't stand a chance at fighting off the night breezes.

Ianto leaned into Sulu's support as they made their way back into his flat, through the kitchen and into the living room. Rather than letting Sulu continue to guide him upstairs to the bedroom, though, Ianto veered sideways, making it clear that he wanted to stay on the first floor, in the living room. As Sulu guided Ianto to the couch, he sank down on one end, shivering, keeping a tight grip on Sulu's hands even after he was seated. He didn't want to let go, but also really needed the other man to fetch the blankets from where they'd left them. So he looked up at Sulu, his blue eyes wide, sad, and very lost, still full of tears, and asked him, "...sit with me? When you get back? I. Please?"

[takeitoutofpark]

Sulu made no move to pull away from Ianto as he sat, keeping close and holding his hands, pulling them to his chest briefly as he leaned over to kiss Ianto's forehead. "Anything you want," he murmured, "I'll sit with you for as long as you want." All he had to do was get the blankets for Ianto and then he would sit and keep Ianto company and try his best to help fix whatever damage the last four hours of his absence had caused.

He practically jogged to the back door, picking up the blankets and brushing off bits of dirt before taking them inside, closing the back door behind him. He paused for just a moment, closing his eyes and taking a deep, shuddering breath, because he needed to be strong right now, more than anything, and then he continued to the living room, sitting down in the middle of the sofa before handing the blankets over. As he had all that time ago, when they'd first gotten together in the hospital, Sulu stayed close to Ianto, not wanting to give an illusion of separation.

"Here you go," he said as he handed the blankets to Ianto, letting him adjust however he liked before handing over any more, "That'll help keep you warm." He could help, too, but he didn't know how much Ianto really wanted him around right then.

[torchwoodteaboy]

Ianto shifted closer to Sulu on the couch, pressing up against his side, resting his head on the other man's shoulder, pulling the blankets over both of them, even though he knew Sulu probably wasn't that cold in that moment. He was, and the added heat of Sulu under the blankets would heat everything up a lot faster, he knew, so. He reached, taking Sulu's closest hand in his own, his skin ice cold to the touch, he knew, as he shivered and tried to draw as much warmth from the other man as quickly as he could.

After a long moment, when Ianto was pretty sure he had most of the crying done, the tears once again under control, he let out a shaky breath, closing his eyes and relaxing against Sulu's shoulder. He felt like he needed to explain himself, but. No, of course Sulu would listen to him, this time. He'd just been busy, earlier. There hadn't been time for long explanations. Ianto had to remind himself of that fiercely before he could speak. "I... I'm sorry," he said, softly. "It's. It's been... It's been a bad day." And not just because no one had been around. Jack wasn't around for the majority of the day each of the days he'd spent home from the hospital, but. Ianto had felt more sick than usual on this day. And maybe it was all in his head, but it had sent him spiraling down a very horrible train of thought that, well, had led them to where they were, right there and then.

[takeitoutofpark]

Sulu practically sagged into Ianto as he curled up with him under the blankets, pulling them so that they were comfortably spread over both of them while giving the majority to Ianto. He needed it more than Sulu did, after all - he was so, so cold. Like he'd been on the way to the hospital. Sulu shivered himself and reached, twisting to put an arm around Ianto and still keep their hands clasped. He wished he'd gotten Ianto in sooner. He didn't even know how long the other man had been out there - for all he knew, he could have been out there for the whole four hours.

He wished Ianto wouldn't apologize to him. None of this, none of this was his fault, and he didn't want him to think that it was. But he knew, also, that trying to tell him not to apologize would be useless, just as Ianto telling him had done nothing to ease his fear or guilt. "It's okay," he said instead, rubbing his thumb over Ianto's ice cold hand. He twisted his neck to get a good look at Ianto, as good as he could with how they were positioned. "Tell me about it?"

[torchwoodteaboy]

Ianto shut his eyes, breathing deeply as he tried to figure out what he wanted to say to the other man. He didn't really want to let him know that he wasn't feeling any better than he had the week before, even if it was pretty obvious just by looking at him, by the way he had been acting. He needed to make a note to try and make himself seem better, it was just. Today, he couldn't seem to do it. He'd been doing so much better about it, but then Jack had left him for London and the prospect of an empty flat just left him...

"Jack's in London," he said, softly. "Haven't seen him all day. Haven't seen anyone all day. I... I don't know if it was because everyone else was busy or whether I just. I mean. It. It was so quiet. So lonely. So much like...like there that I..." He tried to get his explanation out without saying anything about the fact that this was all centered around him not feeling any better. He didn't want Sulu to know that his health hadn't improved at all. Sure, he still looked tired, and sick, but. That didn't mean that Sulu would know that nothing had changed, right? Ianto shivered again, pressing himself closer to the other man, hoping that it wasn't as obvious as he seemed to think it was that he was holding something back in that explanation.