[RL WITH SULU]

[torchwoodteaboy]

It'd been a week. A week since that first day that he'd come back from the hospital, and Sulu had had to help him around his flat. A week, most of which he'd spent in a sort of semi-conscious, fatigued and weary state, shuffling about trying to get the necessary things done, but only just succeeding. As Ianto sat on the edge of his bed, just having

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[takeitoutofpark]

Sulu's communicator blinked to life, beeping out the fact that he had an incoming call just as he was entering the lift for the bridge, having just gotten off a very short break to get something to eat. He would've had more time, if only he hadn't offered to spend more time on the bridge to give his replacement some time off. It was the least he could do, really, but now he was sort of regretting it as he recognized Ianto's callback number.

With a sigh, he flipped his comm open, halting the lift for a few moments to talk without being overheard by the crew. Just because Jim was on the community again didn't mean he wanted to let the man in on everything that was happening with him right now. "Ianto," he said, sounding put out and apologetic because he knew what Ianto wanted right then and there, and also that he had another four hours before his shift was over. "Really bad time, I'm just about to get back to the helm. I'm only halfway through my shift - I still have four more hours before I can take off."

[torchwoodteaboy]

Sulu's words cut through Ianto's heart like a knife, his eyebrows furrowing as he clenched his eyes shut against tears he didn't even know were there until a moment ago. He knew that the other man hadn't meant to be so flippant, hadn't meant to dismiss what he had to say before he'd even gotten a chance to say it, but the fact of the matter was that he had, and it hurt. It hurt a lot. It had taken so much effort just for him to place this call, it had gotten bad enough that he'd actually allowed himself to try and reach out for help, and to be told without even having said a word that it was a 'really bad time

[takeitoutofpark]

Ianto's tone made Sulu wince, his gut twisting as he realized how stupid and callous he'd sounded just then. But he was due on duty in only a minute, and he absolutely couldn't be late, which was the only reason he'd even jumped into it as he had. "No, no," he said quickly, a little desperately, "I'm sorry, I really am, I didn't mean to... it's just that I'm literally in the lift to the bridge..."

Making excuses for himself? How childish was he? "I'm sorry, I really am. You're not bothering me, you really aren't. What's wrong?" Because he knew Ianto wouldn't have called without a reason, and now he felt even more awful for having jumped to excuses before asking. He seriously was an idiot.

[torchwoodteaboy]

Ianto shook his head, well aware that Sulu couldn't see him doing it, but not able to get himself talking for a moment through the lump that had suddenly appeared in his throat. "Nothing," he said, finally, not able to keep that rough edge of tears out of his voice. "Never mind. It's not important," he lied. It was only that he felt like he was starting to unravel at the seams, and he could really use the company. But he should have known better. Just because Jack was busy didn't mean that Sulu'd be free. He... He was going to have to face this alone. Like he'd been doing for the whole day, as it built up. Like he'd have to face everything, in the end

[takeitoutofpark]

Sulu winced, wanting so badly to regain some sort of control over the situation, to help Ianto as much as he could, to be able to leave the bridge and go to him, but he couldn't. He had a job, an important, duty-bound job to pilot a starship through uncharted territories, and it was a job he loved. And even if he didn't love it, even if it was the most trying thing in the universe, he wouldn't have a choice. He couldn't be AWOL.

Ianto hung up before Sulu could do any kind of reassuring; he almost called him back, but the timelock on the lift had run out and it shot up to the bridge, opening the doors before he could even do anything. He felt miserable, but he put on his usual attitude for the benefit of the rest of the crew, relieving the other helmsman before sliding into his seat. The worst part of it was, if there was no attack or sudden crisis, Sulu would have abandoned Ianto for four hours of nothing.And that's exactly what it was. He'd hoped for a warbird to come out of nowhere, or for a crisis call to come in from one of

[torchwoodteaboy]

Ianto had sat on the floor beside his bed staring miserably at the wall in front of him for a long while, before the sun had sank too far and the room had gotten too dark and he needed to get up and turn on some lights or else he might just start to really lose his mind. He made it down the stairs to the kitchen, flicking on every light that he could, and just sat in the light for another while, huddled in a blanket that he'd taken from upstairs. He didn't even feel like a coffee. He wanted to be better again. To not feel like this, cold and achy, feeling sorry for himself, scared and alone, weary and stir-crazy all at once. He wanted to do something, anything to take his mind off of it all, but trying to watch or read anything would just make him feel worse, and he couldn't go out and do anything, he simply wasn't up to it. So Ianto pulled out the last resort he had, and called Jack. To talk. Which he never, ever did

[takeitoutofpark]

The first thing Sulu noticed as he looked around the flat was that it was bright. Every light in the place was on, bright and blazing compared to the dark outside that he could see through the window as he made his way to the kitchen. The back door was open, a lamp on the floor illuminating Ianto's shape against the dark, and Sulu felt his heart drop at the sight. He was almost surprised he could feel even worse than he had while he'd been on the bridge, but there it was

[torchwoodteaboy]

Ianto turned to glance briefly at Sulu crouched there, murmuring a quiet "Hey," before turning back to look out at the darkness in front of him, momentarily blinded by how bright the lights were compared to the dark that he'd been staring out at for a while now. He shifted the blankets tighter around him, because he was freezing, he really was. His toes were loosing feeling a little bit, and his hands probably would be too, if they weren't hidden in the blankets with the rest of him, but he didn't want to move. Even now, when Sulu was there, he. He hesitated to turn to the other man for warmth and support. Because...sometimes, he wasn't going to be there, no matter how much he wanted him to be.

"...you didn't have to come," he said, softly. "I... I'm an adult, and I should be fine spending the night by myself." He didn't say that he was fine, however. Because he wasn't. Obviously. Sitting huddled in the doorway of your garden with a lamp next to you on the floor and all of the lights in your flat on as bright as they can go, braving

[takeitoutofpark]

"Maybe," Sulu conceded, voice soft as he stared at Ianto, "But I wanted to come. I would have come when you called if I hadn't been on duty. I'm sorry." He had wanted to come, didn't Ianto realize that? He'd wanted to be here, he'd told Ianto he would be here whenever he could, that yes, he had a job to do but he could balance the two. He wanted to balance the two.

"I couldn't leave my post, you have to understand. I wanted to, but I couldn't. That's just not how it works." And now he felt like he was scolding Ianto, and he knew Ianto would feel the same way, so he quickly continued, "I wish it did, because I didn't want to wait four hours before I could come see you, and if I had any say I'd have been here before you'd even said a damned word. I even had the portkey in my pocket all day."

[torchwoodteaboy]

Sulu was right, Ianto did feel like he was being scolded. And it hurt even more, because he knew that Sulu was right, that he couldn't have just left, that that wasn't how things worked. Ianto knew that that wasn't the way things worked. He knew that he had the worst of luck with these things. That whenever he really needed the other man to be able to come, he wouldn't be able to. Because that was how it worked. At least in his life.

"It's fine," Ianto said, not moving from where he was sitting huddled in the darkness, not turning to look at Sulu or the ground or anything, just sitting there. "You don't have to explain yourself. I understand. You really shouldn't have to be available to come by and babysit me all the time. They needed you there. I..." He swallowed. "I should have known you were on duty then, anyway. I should never have called and interrupted that."

[takeitoutofpark]

Sulu winced, realizing that no matter how hard he'd tried to change how his words had sounded, it was too late. Running a hand through his hair, he sighed and moved to sit next to Ianto, instead of crouching behind him. It was cold - way too cold, and Sulu was going to have to make Ianto go inside soon enough, but he seemed... not calm, not really, but at least he wasn't sobbing or volatile. He wanted to keep that for as long as he could.

"There's no way you could have known. We don't even really know the time difference. And it's not babysitting you," he said firmly, "I'm not trying to make you do your homework or go to bed at a reasonable hour or anything like that. I want to be here for you. I'm sorry that I couldn't this time. It was bad timing for both of us, but I promised you that if I couldn't be there right away, I'd come down as soon as I could, and that's exactly what I did here." He looked out at the darkness, away from Ianto, and wrapped his arms loosely over his knees. This whole thing was a lot harder than he

[torchwoodteaboy]

Ianto wasn't so sure that it wasn't babysitting him, really. True, there were no bedtimes or homework enforcements or time outs, but. Ianto couldn't help but feel like every time he made one of the other two spend time with him, what they were really doing was watching over him. He didn't need a guardian. What he needed was his support.

"Yeah, you did," Ianto said, flatly. "And here you are. Exactly as promised..." And four hours too late. Sulu said that he wanted to be there, and yet it was still hard for Ianto to accept that he wasn't bothering the other man. He wanted the other man to want to be there with him, not for him. But that's what Sulu had said. Ianto felt all of the careful bandaging of his wounds that he'd done start to slip free again.

"You didn't have to rush, though," he said. "I... I was handling it on my own." Maybe not well, but. God, what was he even saying? He was happy that Sulu was there with him. He just... He wished, with all of his being, that he could have been there with him four hours ago, too. When he'

[takeitoutofpark]

Now Sulu had to wonder if he was doing something wrong, coming to Ianto after so long. Was Ianto handling it on his own? Wouldn't it be better to let him learn how to manage whatever upset him alone, so that he could get a handle on it sooner? But then he turned and looked at Ianto, really looked, and he knew that wasn't the case. Ianto was mad at him for not being able to come when he called, probably knowing it was irrational but unable to help himself, and he wasn't handling it

[torchwoodteaboy]

A small, mean, hidden part of Ianto really wanted to tell Sulu that yes, he did want him to leave, so that maybe Sulu would hurt the same way that he had, but he didn't even think about paying attention to that part of himself, quickly brushing it aside. "No," he said, softly, honestly, without hesitation. "No, I don't."

He lowered his eyes, finally moving, huddling himself further into the blankets. God, he was freezing. How long had he been sitting out there, anyway? He didn't even know any more. He had very little concept of time, since he'd made the call. He looked at his watch, but it really didn't help, save to let him know how long it had been since calling in the first place. "I... I want you here. I just. Four hours ago, I needed you here, and. You couldn't come." He sighed. "I really should have expected that, anyway. I should have known that because I needed you here, you couldn't come. That's so typical of the way that everything seems to work with me, lately..."

[takeitoutofpark]

Sulu sighed again and shook his head, too tired to try and reassure Ianto at the moment. He'd just have to be direct. "It's not some big, multiversal scheme to screw you over, Ianto. It's just a time difference and work getting in the way. It's not because of you, it's just how things worked out this time. And I'm sorry that I wasn't here before, that I couldn't be here before, but I'm here now, so."

He cut himself off before he could finish his thought, abruptly enough that it didn't even sound as though he was contemplating saying a single word more, that he'd almost said "get over it and take it where you can," because that was wrong and it was just his petty, irritable side coming out. And he wanted to keep that from Ianto for as long as he could, damn it.

He pushed himself up and stood in front of Ianto, looking down at him with tired eyes. "It's freezing out here," he said, wondering if Ianto had even noticed. He was so cold already, nowadays...

[torchwoodteaboy]

Just judging by the tone that Sulu was getting with him, Ianto knew that he'd done something wrong. Said something to make the other man upset with him. He could tell that Sulu was irritated with him, even if he hadn't come right out and said it, and it hurt. Ianto leaned forward, clutching his knees to his chest and resting his head on top of them. He felt...horrible. Mentally, and physically, and emotionally exhausted. He'd buried everything so far within himself that there was only a residual aching that gave hint to anything being wrong, because that was just how he dealt with things by himself, but. Now that he wasn't by himself anymore...he wasn't sure that he wanted to let it out. Especially not if it was just going to make the other man angry at him.

"Yeah," Ianto said, after a moment, his voice a lot more raw than it had been moments ago. "It is, isn't it?"