[backdated to the 27th][RL WITH SULU]

[torchwoodteaboy]

Ianto worked on filing in the archives, normally a mind numbing task that he'd enjoy to have a moment to himself, but at this stage in the game, it'd almost become torturous. Left to himself, alone with only his mind, all of his doubts and fears came out to play, and he began to dislike being down in the archives by himself, because there were no

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[torchwoodteaboy]

A fist tightened around Ianto's heart, and he had to let out a long breath so that it wouldn't turn into a sob, because he needed to get the emotions out somehow, and those were his only two options at the moment. "...you missed my accent," he said, shutting his eyes and moving his head forward and then back, hitting it against the filing cabinet behind him. "You...you missed my accent."

In that moment, Ianto'd had enough. He'd had enough of all of it. He'd spent the last few days reassuring himself at every free moment he had that Sulu was alright, that there was an explanation as to why he wasn't around, that everything would be cleared up and right as rain as soon as he received the phone call he'd been so desperately waiting for. But now that Sulu was there, on the other end of the line, and he was laughing and talking about Ianto's accent, Ianto was suddenly irrationally angry. Okay, so maybe yelling was his third option.

"No word from you for over a week, and then here you are, talking about my bloody accent. ...I thought you were dead!" Ianto exclaimed, his voice shaking as he felt all the fear for the other man draining out through it. "You didn't answer me in anything, and I didn't know what to think, I thought I'd never hear from you again, I was terrified that something'd happened and I'd never know, and now you're going on about my accent, as if nothing... I. God." He took in another sharp, deep breath, letting it out shakily and biting his tongue to keep from further exploding at Sulu, because he really was going to start crying if he went much further, and he would be absolutely mortified if that was what this conversation dissolved into.

[takeitoutofpark]

Sulu nearly missed the change in tone at first, until Ianto shouted about him being dead, and he realized that he could clearly hear all the worry and anxiety Ianto was feeling in his voice. He winced, biting his lip and taking the brunt of the yelling, because he deserved it. Whether or not he could contact Ianto was beside the point - he had moments before he passed out. He could have made time. He could have been smarter about the planet they'd been on, and he could have gotten them out of there sooner. Well, all right. Maybe he couldn't have - but he should have tried.

He realized that he wasn't saying any of his thoughts aloud, sitting up and running a hand through his hair. "No, no, I'm sorry - I'm sorry, Ianto. I am. I was swamped, I wanted to call but I." He stopped himself short, realizing how close he had been to actually letting Ianto go through exactly what he'd worried himself over. He could have very well not come back, and Ianto never would have found out. "I was going to explain, but when you answered..." He forgot himself. God, that was ridiculous.

[torchwoodteaboy]

"But what?" Ianto asked, wanting to know, needing to know. "Why wouldn't you call? I. Shit, I probably left you half a dozen bloody phone messages. I mean. The least...the least you could have done was return one. Just one!" Ianto ducked his head forward, putting his face in his free hand as he cradled the phone to his ear with the other.

"Look. I'm sorry. I understand being swamped with work, really I do. But. It's almost been two weeks! Two bloody weeks since... And I thought that you'd want to talk to me again sooner..." he said, his voice going soft and possible a little teary, before he cleared his throat to continue. "I thought. I thought..." He sniffed. "God, I must be an idiot! Getting myself worked up over everything, and then here you are, as if nothing ever happened, while I'm..." He laughed wetly, bitterly. "I'm a bloody mess, is what I am." He brought the back of his hand across his eyes.

"If you're so bloody swamped, then... Maybe I should just tell you to go now..." Ianto said, though he didn't mean it at all. If Sulu hung up on him in that moment, without a full explanation, he might just break down and weep right there on the concrete floor.

[takeitoutofpark]

"Oh, Jesus - Ianto, I'm so sorry, I couldn't even comm the ship - don't tell me to go. I spent four days in a cave with, with damned grizzly bears trying to eat me and all I wanted was to call you, but I couldn't, I would've if I had even the slightest possibility of getting through, I swear!" He put a hand over his eyes, certain that it was the light in his room that was making them water, not the fact that he he was telling Ianto that maybe he hadn't been too far off, with all of his worrying, nor the fact that he couldn't seem to stop himself now that he had started.

"I don't want you to be upset. Please don't be upset." Because he could hear Ianto losing his control and that made this harder than anything. "Be pissed, be livid, shout, but please, I don't want you to cry because of me."

[torchwoodteaboy]

Oh, lord. Ianto sniffled, the back of his hand definitely wet with tears from rubbing his eyes trying to keep them from tracking down his face, but with little to no luck. "I'm... It's...kind of really too late for that one," he said, his voice pretty thick with how upset he was in that moment. Four days in a cave without comm services, with bears trying to eat him and whoever was with him, assuming there were people with him... Even though there was a voice in Ianto's head saying four days was more than the time Sulu had stayed silent to him, Ianto felt enormously guilty for being angry that Sulu hadn't gotten a hold of him, which was largely why the tears had won their battle with his self-control and were spilling out and down his face and neck to disappear into his collar.

"I'm... I'm sorry, I..." He drew in a breath to try and get his words right, but it embarrassingly turned into more of a hiccup than anything. "A-are you alright? You... God, Sulu," Ianto said, the full effect of what the other man had said to him hitting right then. Ianto realized that Sulu's job was dangerous, as dangerous as his own, but until that moment, he'd never really thought beyond worrying about what that meant exactly for either of them. "I really did almost just lose you, didn't I?" he asked, his voice gravelly and thick with tears, enough so that Ianto had to struggle to make sure that it didn't crack and break off all-together.

[takeitoutofpark]

"Don't apologize." It was all Sulu could say right then, because he honestly hadn't tried to process the whole thing beyond it being yet another Starfleet adventure. It was what he had signed up for, after all. But it was different, talking to someone who wasn't part of Starfleet, who didn't have to deal with hostile planets on top of hostile alien life, who wasn't part of the military mentality that made dealing with these things so much easier.

He was silent for a little while, wanting so badly to reassure Ianto but, it was true. He cleared his gummed up throat, finally, and shook his head despite the futility of the movement. "I'm fine. After the virus - my excuse didn't stop the work, so I thought I could finish it before I called you, I thought - I thought that would be it. And then they put me on away, and that was only supposed to be for a day, maybe two. But, you know how it is." He laughed uncomfortably, "Hostile alien life and everything."

He'd taken off his boots before calling and now sat on his bed, pressing his socked feet together and staring at them, completely aware that he was avoiding the question Ianto had asked. He'd always figured it was Ianto's near-death experiences they'd have to deal with. "And then a day and a half in a biobed, and bureaucracy, you know, it still exists out here, I usually don't enjoy debriefings, but this was pretty awful. But I should have made time to call you."

Then, quietly, because he needed to say it, "My job is just as dangerous as Torchwood, you know."

[torchwoodteaboy]

Ianto let out a little crying sound, a sound that he knew he always made when he got this emotional, but hated himself for making, because god, it sounded bad even to his ears, and he wasn't the one just listening to his voice over the phone and nothing else. And the reason for it was Sulu's last statement. 'My job is just as dangerous as Torchwood, you know' Just as dangerous as Torchwood... Almost every single adult in Ianto's life that had meant something to him beyond family since graduating university that had been touched by Torchwood was taken from him, whether it be by Cybermen, or Daleks, or just angry people with guns. Though Jack's unique ability always found a way to bring him back to life, back to him, even Jack was included in the list.

"...I know," Ianto finally said, wetly, brokenly. Because he knew. He had, in the back of his mind, known that Sulu's job was little different than Torchwood, it just involved exploration, rather than sifting through the debris like their little operation in Cardiff. Sulu'd just always been so nonchalant about it, he'd never really put two and two together. He'd never, before this brief break in contact, thought about what that might mean for Sulu, for either of them. He hadn't wanted to, until worry and fear and gnawed it out of him, and now that the wound was there, it was gaping.

He let out another sound, and repeated himself. "I know," he said again. Which wasn't what he wanted to keep on saying. He wanted to ask what'd happened to get him stuck, how it'd felt to be there, what had kept him going, why he'd been in a biobed for so long, if he was really alright now, what the hell a biobed was anyway, had McCoy been as awful to him as Sulu makes him sound like he is... But the words stuck in his throat. In fact, the only thing that he did manage to get out past the repeating of himself was rather embarrassingly needy, but there it was, hanging in the air after he'd said it, present the whole time before but now that it was stated so much more potent.

"I missed you. I was terrified for you... I. I thought... Oh, god, I thought I'd never see you again, and I hadn't even..." His voice broke, but he soldiered on, because he needed to say it as well. "I hadn't even been given a chance to say goodbye. I never get a chance to say goodbye..." Don't leave me, please, please, don't leave me. Not like they did. Not like Lisa. Not like Jack. Without so much as a single word, without a goodbye... Ianto was grateful that not all of his thoughts managed to be voiced--he wasn't sure if he could live with how weak that sounded, never mind that it was true. He drew his knees up to his chest, putting an arm across them to rest his head on, tears showing no sign of abating, not since he'd opened the flood gates, not with these thoughts running through his head.

[takeitoutofpark]

Sulu inhaled sharply at the noises Ianto was making, barely able to even listen to them for how they sounded. It made him feel even worse for thinking he could wait to call Ianto. He'd never been put in this position before, where someone was openly emotional with him, telling him that they were scared that he had gone without so much as a goodbye - not even his parents acted like that, when he'd entered Starfleet.

It was a little frightening to think that Ianto cared that much about him - it was even more frightening to know that he wanted it and that, even as terrible as this situation was, he was still just thankful to hear Ianto's voice and to know that he meant that much to him. Even if he had to hear him so hurt at the same time.

"Ianto," Sulu said, "I can't - I can't promise that you will get that chance with me. I can't promise it, because I never know what's going to happen. This was a pretty good example of that. But, I'm - I won't let it happen if I can help it. I won't leave you hanging for this long again without a damned good reason."

[torchwoodteaboy]

"I know," Ianto said, and he did, he really did. "I know that you can't promise me that. I... I wouldn't want you to promise something you can't be sure of. I..." He let out a noise of frustration. It had only been a week and a half, and yes, Ianto had freaked himself out, because he'd opened himself up to Sulu almost completely by the end of that virus, being stuck together every minute of the day for four days. He'd opened himself up, and even though his previous experience with doing that didn't end well, he'd thought it would be different. But Starfleet was no different than Torchwood, and he'd been wrong. "God, I. This is ridiculous. I'm... I'm being ridiculous."

He paused to breathe. "I'm being ridiculous. It... It wasn't your fault. God. It wasn't even that long. I. I should..." He paused again, swallowing back another crying sound. "Duw. I... I should be stronger than this. It's not like things like this haven't happened before. I mean." He put his head back against the filing cabinet again. "It's not like Jack had a chance to leave a note, when he left. It's not...it's not like Lisa did, either. It's... It's fine. I'm. Sorry. I'm being ridiculous," Ianto repeated again.

[takeitoutofpark]

"No, you're not. Even if you were, I wouldn't care." Sulu was frustrated; he knew that he couldn't fix this, because his job - his life - was just as complicated and dangerous as Ianto's, but Ianto already had these stupid notions about life and death that he wanted to erase from his mind. He wanted Ianto to be able to trust that he was okay, just like Sulu tried to trust that Ianto was fine, those days that he couldn't get in contact with the other.

"I'm... I don't care how ridiculous you think you're being. You're - uh." He choked, stumbling over the chance to tell Ianto that he was the only one who was genuinely afraid for him. His crewmates were all stubbornly optimistic, after all - even McCoy, to a point - and that was good for him, it helped him keep from doubting himself or his chances of survival, but now... "I. You're the first person who's been scared for me. I - I don't get that often. So I don't care if you're being ridiculous, I still... I'm glad." Which sounded stupid, even to his own ears, but it was the best he could do. This wasn't his forte.

[torchwoodteaboy]

Ianto's brow furrowed, and he had to calm himself down a little bit in order to actually process what it was that Sulu was trying to get at there. Was he really the first person who was scared for him? That... That didn't make any sense. If he had a job like the one he did, a job right up there with the danger levels of Torchwood, shouldn't people be afraid for him all the time? "You... You are?" he asked, thrown by that fact. "But. Of course I'm scared for you. Why...why wouldn't I be scared for you?"

He let out a shaky breath. "You just... You were just trapped in a cave for four days, and then you said that you, what, you ended up in hospital for a day and a half? A day and a half, Sulu. Of--of course I'm terrified. Because, I mean..." Ianto trailed off, shifting uncomfortably, his next words difficult to deal with.

"I'm... I'm no use to you. Not where your job is concerned," he said, and his disappointment in that fact showed through his voice. "I. I never will be. I'm no use to any of it, and I know that, and you know that, so. Being scared for you, hoping that you come back is all I have, but. I'm...I'm not an optimist, Sulu," Ianto stated. "I don't always see the bright side of things. That's... That's why I need you around. I... I didn't even realize how much I needed you to be there for me like that until you weren't, and that. That fact in itself might be the most frightening thing of all," he said, brokenly.

[takeitoutofpark]

Sulu's head hit his pillow and he stared up at the ceiling of his room, listening to Ianto explain himself. He wondered how often Ianto thought about these kinds of things - the way he internalized probably meant "all the time" - and he couldn't help but sigh at it all.

"Truthfully?" he started, running a hand over his eyes, "You're right. Neither of us can really help each other at our jobs. I'm in the military; half of the things I tell you, I shouldn't, almost all of the things I show you, I shouldn't - but." He sat up in his bed, smiling despite himself because he knew how stupid he was going to sound, and yet he could do nothing to stop himself.

"I don't want you to help me with my job. I don't want you to have to get involved with Starfleet and the politics and dangers it entails. I - the thing I like about you, about us, is that I don't have to worry about it when I'm around you." He laughed, unable to stop himself, "Space bears can't get me in Cardiff. And, as for me coming back -" God, if only he could make that promise, that he'd come back and be optimistic for Ianto. If only he wasn't a little scared by the idea that Ianto needed him to keep from going down the dark roads he'd let himself on this week. If only...

"Ianto, I'm not always going to be there. But I promise that when I am, I'm not going to let you think like you have been. It's... I don't know if I can do it, but if I give you faith and make you think things can actually turn out right, I want to do everything I can to do that for you for as long as I can."

[torchwoodteaboy]

Ianto paused, listening taking all of that in as Sulu said it. "I. I know that you're not always going to be here. You never were always here, really. I mean, all the time I've known you, you've been up there, and I've been down here. But." Ianto swallowed, that familiar strange fluttering feeling starting up in his stomach once more, as he blurted, "you could be here now. Or..." He fought with himself, hating that he sounded so needy, but god, he'd just fought off breaking down completely over the phone, it was a bloody triumph that he didn't sound any worse. "I...could come there. I mean, it sounds like you've had a rough few days. Or, you know. If... If you're busy, that's alright. I just." He took in a deep breath.

"I'd like to see you. To know that you're okay. I mean. God, it sounds silly right now, but. I can hear your voice over the phone, but until I see you I... How can I know if you're really okay or not?" he asked. He wanted to make a joke. He wanted to comment about how long it'd been since he'd seen the real Sulu anyway, not the female version that he'd been handcuffed to for days, but the words died in his throat. He felt that he needed to be as sincere as he possibly could, there, in order to get what he wanted, and in that moment, it was Sulu. He wanted to have visual proof that everything was fine for that moment, he needed the visual proof.

Of course, Ianto's moment of strength passed, as he was sure it would, though now that he'd said it, he couldn't really take it back. "It's... It's fine if you'd rather not. I. I mean. I should consider myself lucky just to've gotten this call. I mean, you could've just sent me a message, or something. I. I should be grateful with what I have now, and not...not imposing on you, or anything..."

[takeitoutofpark]

Sulu smiled at Ianto's suggestion, looking around his room. He couldn't afford to leave, not this soon after such a complicated away mission gone awry, but...

"No, no. I... I'd like to see you too. I don't think I can make it down for a few more days, though, because of everything that's happened - but if you could make it here..." There wasn't a lot to do in his room, but he couldn't take Ianto around the ship again, not right now. "I don't know what we could do, but. I would like to see you. It'd be nice to see someone who isn't trying to get me to do a report or attend a meeting about the planet, that's for sure."

[torchwoodteaboy]

Ianto wasn't exactly sure what they could do there in Sulu's room either, but as long as he got to see the other man in the flesh, possibly give him a hug or at least a touch on the hand or something, he'd consider the journey worth it. "No. Of course I could come there. I... Jack can spare me, for a little bit," Ianto said. And really, Jack could, and he would. Ianto'd been lagging for the past few days at work, and with as many times as Jack watched Ianto pull out his cellphone to check for voicemails or missed calls, he'd already gotten a pretty good idea of what was going on. Not much was said between them on it, because not much ever was, but Jack had been over more than usual to make sure Ianto had slept through the night, which Ianto was grateful for.

"All... All I have to do is talk to Jack, and then arrange on a world-hop. Depending on how quickly both of those go, I could be over in...15 minutes? Half an hour? I... I could care less if there isn't much to do over there. I." Ianto swallowed, his voice dropping low in volume. "I just want to see you, is all. We could end up talking the whole time and I'd...I'd be happy with just that, really..."

[takeitoutofpark]

Ianto's tone made Sulu's stomach twist like it had when they'd sat in the backseat of Ianto's car; there wasn't anything particular about it that made it sound... however it sounded, nothing he could pin at least, but.

"Yeah," he mumbled. "I'd be happy with that too. After all this crap, seeing you would be the best thing I could ask for right now." He wondered if he should change out of his uniform, if he could shower before Ianto got there, if he should keep away from his bed, because wouldn't that be kind of strange? If, if, if. "It'd probably be best to just get a hop to my cabin directly, instead of the transporter room or anything. Fifteen minutes should be fine."