The last will and testament of J.Harkness
Title: The last will and testament of J.Harkness
Characters/Pairings: Slight Janto
Warnings: None
Summary: Ianto finds something on Jack's desk and is worried by it.
A/N: Inspired by the bureau of communication's forms, the will one was my favourite to fill out Not beta'd so all mistakes are my own.
"Jack, what's this?" Ianto asked from Jack's desk where he was filling out Jack's paperwork.
"What?" he was sprawled out on the couch of his office, exhausted from the last few days of weevil outbreaks.
"Bureau of Communication Last will and testament."
Jack smirked,
"Oh, that. You might as well read it; someone has to know where it is in case I permanently die one of these days."
Ianto frowned at Jack's light-heartedness of his own death but didn't comment, he didn't feel like having that particular argument again at that very moment.
"Jack, this can't be your legal will." He said as he reached the bottom of the page.
"Why not?"
"Because…it's not witnessed to start with and it's a fill in the blanks form."
"Come on, read it out to me and tell me why it can't be"
Ianto sighed but complied,
"Dearest Friends, Family and Court Officials:
In the event that you are reading this, I have departed this mortal coil for the last time. DO NOT DESPAIR. I only hope I died as I lived and that you will remember me for 'my immortality' and a 'horrible death'. As a reward for being 'my team', I bequest my 'stopwatch' to 'Ianto'. Do not take this lightly - know that it is my most valued possession and I wish for you to care for it as if I am still alive inside of it!" Ianto stopped reading, frowning at that line,
"That doesn't make sense; the only way that it could make sense is if you were giving someone a house or something. This is a rubbish auto fill form."
"Are you calling me fat? I could fit in that stopwatch."
Ianto rolled his eyes at Jack's attempt at 'humour' and continued,
"Give my 'office' to 'Tosh' and have 'Torchwood' sort out what to do with the rest. One more messy matter - what shall be done with my mortal remains? If even a glimmer of my former radiance shines on, please 'have sex with' my body … Jack, no. That's never going to happen, not in a million years."
Jack snorted,
"You've already done it."
"That was a heart attack, you got too excited and had a heart attack, it's very different."
"Depends on your definition, in both instances I end up on an autopsy table with Owen poking at me" Jack shrugged, "anyway keep reading."
"I'll give you 'depends on your definition'," Ianto muttered.
"If this proves too 'personal', please donate me to 'Torchwood'. I'm sure they will think of something 'funny' to do with me. While I still have your attention, let me share with you this bit of advice: Always 'do everybody', and never let anyone 'do' your 'teaboy'."
"Jack…"
"Shush, complain all you like after the next sentence."
"Also, you'll find 'my sonic blaster' hidden in 'my anus'. I always meant to tell you about that, but it never came up. I love you all, Jack Harkness."
"Witness it for me?"
"You hide what, where?"
"My sonic blaster, up my ass. Enemies are never game to check up there, comes in handy when people put you in cells with lax security because they think if they strip you they've taken away all your weapons."
"Is that why you always… in the morning…and at night… oh god Jack, you're a surprise a minute."
Ianto produced a pen and signed the bottom of the will,
"There you go, I'd give anything to see you read this to the others, I really would."
"We are due for an admin meeting," Jack replied, a wicked grin on his face, "I'm sure the others need to update their wills and need an example."
"You are a devious man Harkness"
A/N2: Anyone want to see this board meeting? I'll write it if enough people want it.
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