an analysis of the past few days and why im so pissed
i dont understand why i feel like i do so im going to go over all the little things that made me feel weird ill do this from now on and try to understand myself and why i do what i do. it all goes back to........
saturday!
its saturday and its emilies halloween party, and i had been looking forward to it for months because i love costume partys! i had bought my police costume and it looked really good on me so i liked it! then i wore it to school and felt uncomfortable in it and even though i got alot of complements i started to feel like i looked like shit and i thought it was too plain so i was planning on going to party city to get more shit for it but on saturday morning when i was supposed to go i slept to late and i procrastinated and i diddnt get anything and being the idiot i am i went to vinnys house at like 5 without getting ready, so when the time came to go to the party i just got one of those weird heat feelings even thinking about the costume and i diddnt want to wear it and i looked like shit and i was already tired by then and i diddnt want to go. vinny really wanted to go and he was trying to change my mind, but i wouldnt go. lisa called and wanted us to go and she told me that she had extra costume stuff and that her and monica would do my makeup and i started to feel a little bit better about it but then i guess they changed their minds so then i started crying again and i diddnt want to go when vinny told me matt was going to bring us. i kept telling him to go without me and he wasnt going to but then he changed his mind because i could here him makeing plans to get picked up then i felt like shit even though thats what i wanted and i started crying so hard and i was scratching my wrist really really hard and all the cuts oppened up and started bleeding again and then vinny came in and saw me crying and decided he wasnt going to go after all and i felt like shit because I wanted to go too but by then i was in no state to go and i was all fucked up over it
sunday
was halloween and i was excited to go trick or treating, well not really but i was forcing myself to be excited and normal for once. i put together a really nice new fariy costume out of shit i already had and went over to vinnys. my costume was uncomfortible and it was making me feel like shit. vinny wouldnt go trick or treating with me, so i took off my costume and got cozy with him and we watched tv and i tryed to make him feel better. then of course when lisa calls and asks us to go trick or treating vinny wants to, but i already ruined my costume getting out of it. and i start to feel like shit again and vinny buys one of those stupid patches with my money, i got a total of 40 or 50 dollars over the weekend and vinny spent it all, so vinny does the whole stupid patch and i try to go home because i feel like shit and i know hes going to be all retarded and that makes me feel like more shita but he forced me to go smoke gay weed with kathryn and her boyfriend. when we get back he yelled at me because i dont obey him in his house or something but he was being so mean and swearing. hes never talked like that before and im kinda shoked and scared. i dont say anything for awhile. i wonder if this was just a preveiw of whats to come after we;re married and the honeymoon phase is over? he calls lisa to pick us up and i sit at curts house feeling like shit for a half hour. vinny was FUCKED UP and it made me feel like shit.
monday
left school with katelyn to go over monicas, call vinny to yell at him for calling my house at 2 in the morning and waking my mom up, like id want to talk to him all fucked up when i was home and sleeping and misrible anyways. hes mad at me for leaving school, i feel bad and go back. i worry about him being mad at me all day. to my surprise he actualy calls me and hes not mad. i still feel like shit, but decide to try and do something since there was no school the next day. i askd him if i could come over before lisa picks us up and he says no and is being weird and mean and it made me sad but i brushed it off. lisa picks me up and told me vinny was buying drugs at shoremart for us and to go run in and get him. he wasnt in there but he ran over to the car and said hi. i was looking forward to whatever he got because, as usual, i felt like shit. we go to curts house and i see vinny going into the bathroom and i askd him what he was doing he says "wanna watch" and i think hes peeing or something so i say ok. well he has bags of dope and i say you diddnt get any for me? and he diddnt because "it diddnt do anything to me" but it was the patches that diddnt do anything probobly because he always took the most of it and the only time i did dope was the gay shit and so of course it diddnt do that much but he wouldnt of bought that stuff if it wasnt decent and i had spent so much money on him and even if i really diddnt ever feel anything in that catigory it would only of been considerate to get something else AND he said that he only wanted to to drugs with me bla bla bla and that he wasnt going to do that shit on the weekdays blablabLA so whatever that made me feel like much more shit and i diddnt want to be around him with that stuff and some dumb pictures of him from the night before made me mad especialy the one of him humping herra just because its annyoing and gay and pathetic (to me at the time) and i diddnt want to do anything so i went home and vinny had no argument.
tuseday
i do nothing but lay in bed all day. lisa calls me at around 5 asking me if i want to go to the movies at 7:30 to see saw. i agree because i know i should do something, she says to call her at 7. as soon as i hang up the phone i regret it and plan to tell her im not going anymore when i call her. i go to lay down. at around 5:30 she called me again and told me she wanted to hang out then and go to urban outfitters but i tell her i changed my mind and she gives me a couple cmons and says that i always say how nobody asks me to hang out so id better hang out then and that vinny wasnt there (i diddnt ask her but i guess she could tell something might be going on and i guess it was kinda a releif because i guess i was still weird about everything) i try to make excuses like im not ready but she says i dont care im coming to pick you up and i say fine. i go out and of course i get into a better mood and have fun and go home. no calls from vinny.
wendsday
ok day at school i guess i cant remeber. i feel like SUUUUUUuchhhhhh shit. i miss vinny really bad, tuseday was the first day in awhile ive gone without talking to him. he called me when i was coming home, and i cant really remember what he said. nothing important i guess. i was still weird about everything though. not just him, everything. i was talking to him at home and he said he had to take care of something and then hed call me back. he calls me back from monicas like three hours later. that makes me feel like shit, that he just went out and htat he was at monicas i dont know it just does so whatever. then he said "well people just got to monicas and i dont want to be on the phone" and it hurt me. i guess he had a great fun whoopdeedoo day with all his friends while i was home dying in bed. i was mean to him i guess but i was in such a shitty mood. and i guess poor vinny cant live without his drugs now so i dont know im just gonna let him do what he wants. i dont know.
today, thursday
good day at school. got myself organized and im in resourse room so it helps. i think "this is dumb" and say sorry to vinny for being mean. he doesnt really talk. i think hes out with lisa right now? awsome. well that makes 4 days in a row i diddnt see him. we're already back in this shit again? fuck this. i dont understand how our relationship can seem so strong then it just crumbles like that. fuck it. whatever. another wasted day gone by, rotting in my bed.
the verdict- i feel like shit when i feel left out, and i always feel left out. i feel like shit looking at pictures on livejournal of people having fun when i wasnt invited. i dont know why i expect everyone to invite me everywhere, but most people dont seem to have a problem with it? i always say how its weird how ALL of my friends i ever had who never even knew eachother all hang out now.. but its like when two of my friends meet they always choose eachother over me? i know that all sounds gay and stupid and petty but it goes on and on and yes i do get jelous when everone else is having a ball and im all alone crying and throwing up it. fuck it fuckkkkkkkkkit im NOT going to try anymore. even when things are good with me and vinny and we;re going out alot and stuff i cant help but feel like i would not be hanging out with these people if it werent for vinny, they arent my friends it feels like and it feels like im the 3 45649853209850 wheel..... of course i know most dont dislike me but to them im only part of the vinny package? like i was one of the people that got together everyones address for kyle ks birthday, including vinnys and my own, and i diddnt even get an invitation myself? but vinny got one "vinny and guest" and everyone expected me to go with him. and ive been friends with kyle since i was 13?!@fuck that fuck this im an oversensitive retard whos never going to make it through life
saturday!
its saturday and its emilies halloween party, and i had been looking forward to it for months because i love costume partys! i had bought my police costume and it looked really good on me so i liked it! then i wore it to school and felt uncomfortable in it and even though i got alot of complements i started to feel like i looked like shit and i thought it was too plain so i was planning on going to party city to get more shit for it but on saturday morning when i was supposed to go i slept to late and i procrastinated and i diddnt get anything and being the idiot i am i went to vinnys house at like 5 without getting ready, so when the time came to go to the party i just got one of those weird heat feelings even thinking about the costume and i diddnt want to wear it and i looked like shit and i was already tired by then and i diddnt want to go. vinny really wanted to go and he was trying to change my mind, but i wouldnt go. lisa called and wanted us to go and she told me that she had extra costume stuff and that her and monica would do my makeup and i started to feel a little bit better about it but then i guess they changed their minds so then i started crying again and i diddnt want to go when vinny told me matt was going to bring us. i kept telling him to go without me and he wasnt going to but then he changed his mind because i could here him makeing plans to get picked up then i felt like shit even though thats what i wanted and i started crying so hard and i was scratching my wrist really really hard and all the cuts oppened up and started bleeding again and then vinny came in and saw me crying and decided he wasnt going to go after all and i felt like shit because I wanted to go too but by then i was in no state to go and i was all fucked up over it
sunday
was halloween and i was excited to go trick or treating, well not really but i was forcing myself to be excited and normal for once. i put together a really nice new fariy costume out of shit i already had and went over to vinnys. my costume was uncomfortible and it was making me feel like shit. vinny wouldnt go trick or treating with me, so i took off my costume and got cozy with him and we watched tv and i tryed to make him feel better. then of course when lisa calls and asks us to go trick or treating vinny wants to, but i already ruined my costume getting out of it. and i start to feel like shit again and vinny buys one of those stupid patches with my money, i got a total of 40 or 50 dollars over the weekend and vinny spent it all, so vinny does the whole stupid patch and i try to go home because i feel like shit and i know hes going to be all retarded and that makes me feel like more shita but he forced me to go smoke gay weed with kathryn and her boyfriend. when we get back he yelled at me because i dont obey him in his house or something but he was being so mean and swearing. hes never talked like that before and im kinda shoked and scared. i dont say anything for awhile. i wonder if this was just a preveiw of whats to come after we;re married and the honeymoon phase is over? he calls lisa to pick us up and i sit at curts house feeling like shit for a half hour. vinny was FUCKED UP and it made me feel like shit.
monday
left school with katelyn to go over monicas, call vinny to yell at him for calling my house at 2 in the morning and waking my mom up, like id want to talk to him all fucked up when i was home and sleeping and misrible anyways. hes mad at me for leaving school, i feel bad and go back. i worry about him being mad at me all day. to my surprise he actualy calls me and hes not mad. i still feel like shit, but decide to try and do something since there was no school the next day. i askd him if i could come over before lisa picks us up and he says no and is being weird and mean and it made me sad but i brushed it off. lisa picks me up and told me vinny was buying drugs at shoremart for us and to go run in and get him. he wasnt in there but he ran over to the car and said hi. i was looking forward to whatever he got because, as usual, i felt like shit. we go to curts house and i see vinny going into the bathroom and i askd him what he was doing he says "wanna watch" and i think hes peeing or something so i say ok. well he has bags of dope and i say you diddnt get any for me? and he diddnt because "it diddnt do anything to me" but it was the patches that diddnt do anything probobly because he always took the most of it and the only time i did dope was the gay shit and so of course it diddnt do that much but he wouldnt of bought that stuff if it wasnt decent and i had spent so much money on him and even if i really diddnt ever feel anything in that catigory it would only of been considerate to get something else AND he said that he only wanted to to drugs with me bla bla bla and that he wasnt going to do that shit on the weekdays blablabLA so whatever that made me feel like much more shit and i diddnt want to be around him with that stuff and some dumb pictures of him from the night before made me mad especialy the one of him humping herra just because its annyoing and gay and pathetic (to me at the time) and i diddnt want to do anything so i went home and vinny had no argument.
tuseday
i do nothing but lay in bed all day. lisa calls me at around 5 asking me if i want to go to the movies at 7:30 to see saw. i agree because i know i should do something, she says to call her at 7. as soon as i hang up the phone i regret it and plan to tell her im not going anymore when i call her. i go to lay down. at around 5:30 she called me again and told me she wanted to hang out then and go to urban outfitters but i tell her i changed my mind and she gives me a couple cmons and says that i always say how nobody asks me to hang out so id better hang out then and that vinny wasnt there (i diddnt ask her but i guess she could tell something might be going on and i guess it was kinda a releif because i guess i was still weird about everything) i try to make excuses like im not ready but she says i dont care im coming to pick you up and i say fine. i go out and of course i get into a better mood and have fun and go home. no calls from vinny.
wendsday
ok day at school i guess i cant remeber. i feel like SUUUUUUuchhhhhh shit. i miss vinny really bad, tuseday was the first day in awhile ive gone without talking to him. he called me when i was coming home, and i cant really remember what he said. nothing important i guess. i was still weird about everything though. not just him, everything. i was talking to him at home and he said he had to take care of something and then hed call me back. he calls me back from monicas like three hours later. that makes me feel like shit, that he just went out and htat he was at monicas i dont know it just does so whatever. then he said "well people just got to monicas and i dont want to be on the phone" and it hurt me. i guess he had a great fun whoopdeedoo day with all his friends while i was home dying in bed. i was mean to him i guess but i was in such a shitty mood. and i guess poor vinny cant live without his drugs now so i dont know im just gonna let him do what he wants. i dont know.
today, thursday
good day at school. got myself organized and im in resourse room so it helps. i think "this is dumb" and say sorry to vinny for being mean. he doesnt really talk. i think hes out with lisa right now? awsome. well that makes 4 days in a row i diddnt see him. we're already back in this shit again? fuck this. i dont understand how our relationship can seem so strong then it just crumbles like that. fuck it. whatever. another wasted day gone by, rotting in my bed.
the verdict- i feel like shit when i feel left out, and i always feel left out. i feel like shit looking at pictures on livejournal of people having fun when i wasnt invited. i dont know why i expect everyone to invite me everywhere, but most people dont seem to have a problem with it? i always say how its weird how ALL of my friends i ever had who never even knew eachother all hang out now.. but its like when two of my friends meet they always choose eachother over me? i know that all sounds gay and stupid and petty but it goes on and on and yes i do get jelous when everone else is having a ball and im all alone crying and throwing up it. fuck it fuckkkkkkkkkit im NOT going to try anymore. even when things are good with me and vinny and we;re going out alot and stuff i cant help but feel like i would not be hanging out with these people if it werent for vinny, they arent my friends it feels like and it feels like im the 3 45649853209850 wheel..... of course i know most dont dislike me but to them im only part of the vinny package? like i was one of the people that got together everyones address for kyle ks birthday, including vinnys and my own, and i diddnt even get an invitation myself? but vinny got one "vinny and guest" and everyone expected me to go with him. and ive been friends with kyle since i was 13?!@fuck that fuck this im an oversensitive retard whos never going to make it through life