In Memoriam
I am currently in Austin Texas, in the home of my deceased Fiancee, Cameron Anne Gray.
I first want to say thank you to all who commented on my previous requiem, which was written at 4:30 AM Thursday, the night/morning she died. Frisk, thanks especially for the bone. It was exactly the laugh I needed. :)
Cam's funeral was yesterday here in Austin, and then we drove eight hours to Alpine for her interment today, and we have just returned to Austin to rest, regather, and remember.
Cameron was a beautiful person. Her life and light were neither cut short nor wasted, but at just the right moment, at the peak of her joy, she was called home to God.
I do not believe in someone's "time to go," but I do believe and I am assured that God is Glorified through her death.
I prayed in the hospital: "God, I cannot handle this-- I place it in your hands. May your will be done, even though I will not understand it. Be Glorified." He has heard and answered this simple prayer, which I repeated many times, and while it has not yet given me inner peace, it has allowed me to draw on God for strength, and when I needed it the strength also to be weak in front of hundreds who came to worship with us at her funeral and interment services.
Cameron was twenty years old. The lamp of her heart, lit by God, touched everyone she came in contact with. She was a sophomore at Whitworth College, and was planning on taking the first semester of next year off so she could go teach children of Wycliffe Bible Translators in Papua, New Guinea. She had already served for a summer in Mozambique, Africa at a clinics for children orphaned by HIV/AIDS, and a summer in China serving in Christ's name.
This love, which Cameron shared with these far away places, she also shared with me. It was God's love, and He filled her heart with it for me, and filled my heart with it for her. I loved her, because God loved her through me, a pure, devoted Agape love, mixed with the Phileo love that made her my blessed sister and the Eros love that was drawing her to be my wife and I her husband. It was a perfect love, though we were not perfect ourselves.
Through this love, God revealed her heart fully to me, and I knew more about her in the one year, three months and seven days that we dated than she knew about herself in her twenty years. She also could read my heart this way. In this, I knew that God intended for us the vow, "until death to you part."
What I did not know was how quickly that would come. Though he had prepared me that she would die early, I misunderstood, thinking her medical issues might finally claim her after we had married and had a child, and I was ready for her to return home when He called her. But I was not watching when He did.
But Cameron's salvation was written indellibly on her heart. I write this, not as a desparate mourner clinging to hope, but as one who saw God's signature written in the blood of Christ on her heart and on her face. Cameron sings with the Angels. I felt her hand in mine when I moved through the Hospital to see her body, the next day when I received her parents at the airport, and last night when I spoke to her youth pastor, the man who eulogized her. She dwells also in my heart, and she is holding a place for me before the Throne of Glory.
I eagerly await the day when I may see her again. But until then, I have work to do. For while Cameron's part is complete, the service is not, and it is up to those she left behind to take up her armaments. Thus, I collect her armor and continue her fight. For the words of Paul have become my words:
Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.
Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.
Pray also for me, that whenever I open my mouth, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should.
Ephesians 6.10-20
I first want to say thank you to all who commented on my previous requiem, which was written at 4:30 AM Thursday, the night/morning she died. Frisk, thanks especially for the bone. It was exactly the laugh I needed. :)
Cam's funeral was yesterday here in Austin, and then we drove eight hours to Alpine for her interment today, and we have just returned to Austin to rest, regather, and remember.
Cameron was a beautiful person. Her life and light were neither cut short nor wasted, but at just the right moment, at the peak of her joy, she was called home to God.
I do not believe in someone's "time to go," but I do believe and I am assured that God is Glorified through her death.
I prayed in the hospital: "God, I cannot handle this-- I place it in your hands. May your will be done, even though I will not understand it. Be Glorified." He has heard and answered this simple prayer, which I repeated many times, and while it has not yet given me inner peace, it has allowed me to draw on God for strength, and when I needed it the strength also to be weak in front of hundreds who came to worship with us at her funeral and interment services.
Cameron was twenty years old. The lamp of her heart, lit by God, touched everyone she came in contact with. She was a sophomore at Whitworth College, and was planning on taking the first semester of next year off so she could go teach children of Wycliffe Bible Translators in Papua, New Guinea. She had already served for a summer in Mozambique, Africa at a clinics for children orphaned by HIV/AIDS, and a summer in China serving in Christ's name.
This love, which Cameron shared with these far away places, she also shared with me. It was God's love, and He filled her heart with it for me, and filled my heart with it for her. I loved her, because God loved her through me, a pure, devoted Agape love, mixed with the Phileo love that made her my blessed sister and the Eros love that was drawing her to be my wife and I her husband. It was a perfect love, though we were not perfect ourselves.
Through this love, God revealed her heart fully to me, and I knew more about her in the one year, three months and seven days that we dated than she knew about herself in her twenty years. She also could read my heart this way. In this, I knew that God intended for us the vow, "until death to you part."
What I did not know was how quickly that would come. Though he had prepared me that she would die early, I misunderstood, thinking her medical issues might finally claim her after we had married and had a child, and I was ready for her to return home when He called her. But I was not watching when He did.
But Cameron's salvation was written indellibly on her heart. I write this, not as a desparate mourner clinging to hope, but as one who saw God's signature written in the blood of Christ on her heart and on her face. Cameron sings with the Angels. I felt her hand in mine when I moved through the Hospital to see her body, the next day when I received her parents at the airport, and last night when I spoke to her youth pastor, the man who eulogized her. She dwells also in my heart, and she is holding a place for me before the Throne of Glory.
I eagerly await the day when I may see her again. But until then, I have work to do. For while Cameron's part is complete, the service is not, and it is up to those she left behind to take up her armaments. Thus, I collect her armor and continue her fight. For the words of Paul have become my words:
Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.
Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.
Pray also for me, that whenever I open my mouth, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should.
Ephesians 6.10-20