Not a happy post. One of those dumb emo posts.
By the way, the following is just me venting. It's not intended for sympathy, or to get anyone's goat. Sometimes just screaming at the walls isn't enough.
Somehow today I found myself shoe-horning myself into a conversation about LARP again, getting personally involved by offering my thoughts and ideas, about bringing certain individuals up and finding myself emotionally involved in something that I can just tell is going to be bad energy for me again and. It feels like beaten-spouse syndrome as I know it's harmful to me, but it's familiar and I'm willing to go through it just because I don't know any other way.
Later I had a discussion with Matt regarding our Werewolf game where I found it difficult to fully express my growing OOC frustration with the actions a player is taking In Character. Now, I don't have an issue with the player, but the character he plays is making the game VERY unenjoyable for me and it's just getting to a point where I'm seriously considering just having my character run away from the group and leaving the other players to enjoy the game. I think I sense the other players are frustrated, but maybe if I'm not there, they'll be able to still enjoy it. I understand that much of it could be my own personal issues, my own problems and I just need to deal with it, but I'm also not sure that I'm really in a good place to be gaming right now.
Of course, I'm also just feeling like I'm in a bit of a darker place too these days. It shouldn't be surprising as it happens every year the closer we get to Gen Con, but unlike other years in the past, I've been more removed from my RL friends and so that grinding has been missing this year. But that darkness has still been there. Even though my local friendships were founded on gaming, I've been wishing that there was more to it... every conversation is about gaming it seems. And I get it... it's our comfort zone. And not every topic is about gaming, but when I'm sensitive to it, it just seems that way and I start to shut down even more. Playing Rock Band 2 has been really nice because it's several hours without gaming talk, being interactive with one another and having fun.
But I found myself again starting my day with a fairly dark dis-affirmation again and that's never a good way to start the day--when you find yourself convincing yourself you're worthless, useless, a failure and dragging everyone you know down, it's not going to be a happy-sunshine day.
... work today wasn't so great. Machines breaking down, not working fast enough and having several items at once thrown at me with the same "gotta do it now" priority without any sort of thought of giving me a list as to what fully needed to be done, so I was stressing out there too. I'm also finding myself spending money faster than I should... my budget is going to shit and I think these are all signs that something big needs to happen soon before I tear myself apart.
Don't worry, folks. It's just one of those dark times and sooner or later it'll pass well enough. They just come and go.
Somehow today I found myself shoe-horning myself into a conversation about LARP again, getting personally involved by offering my thoughts and ideas, about bringing certain individuals up and finding myself emotionally involved in something that I can just tell is going to be bad energy for me again and. It feels like beaten-spouse syndrome as I know it's harmful to me, but it's familiar and I'm willing to go through it just because I don't know any other way.
Later I had a discussion with Matt regarding our Werewolf game where I found it difficult to fully express my growing OOC frustration with the actions a player is taking In Character. Now, I don't have an issue with the player, but the character he plays is making the game VERY unenjoyable for me and it's just getting to a point where I'm seriously considering just having my character run away from the group and leaving the other players to enjoy the game. I think I sense the other players are frustrated, but maybe if I'm not there, they'll be able to still enjoy it. I understand that much of it could be my own personal issues, my own problems and I just need to deal with it, but I'm also not sure that I'm really in a good place to be gaming right now.
Of course, I'm also just feeling like I'm in a bit of a darker place too these days. It shouldn't be surprising as it happens every year the closer we get to Gen Con, but unlike other years in the past, I've been more removed from my RL friends and so that grinding has been missing this year. But that darkness has still been there. Even though my local friendships were founded on gaming, I've been wishing that there was more to it... every conversation is about gaming it seems. And I get it... it's our comfort zone. And not every topic is about gaming, but when I'm sensitive to it, it just seems that way and I start to shut down even more. Playing Rock Band 2 has been really nice because it's several hours without gaming talk, being interactive with one another and having fun.
But I found myself again starting my day with a fairly dark dis-affirmation again and that's never a good way to start the day--when you find yourself convincing yourself you're worthless, useless, a failure and dragging everyone you know down, it's not going to be a happy-sunshine day.
... work today wasn't so great. Machines breaking down, not working fast enough and having several items at once thrown at me with the same "gotta do it now" priority without any sort of thought of giving me a list as to what fully needed to be done, so I was stressing out there too. I'm also finding myself spending money faster than I should... my budget is going to shit and I think these are all signs that something big needs to happen soon before I tear myself apart.
Don't worry, folks. It's just one of those dark times and sooner or later it'll pass well enough. They just come and go.