Sanctuary of Regrets - Ch3
*._.*-*._.*anthology*._.*-*._.*
---
What met Yoochun’s eyes the very moment he pried them open was sunshine, not in a form of light but rather messed up blonde locks and a body curled-up to a ball by his side. The lead vocalist was definitely awake, the younger raven concluded. “How long have you been there?” He wasn’t bothered by the fact that he might disturb the older guy’s very much deserved sleep, knowing full well what he was dealing with.
“Mmh~” Was the only reply Jaejoong mustered.
“I know you’re awake.” The raven brought an arm above the messy head so his fingers could get lost into the light strands.
“Still sleepy.” The lead singer mumbled once again.
Yoochun let out a mid-toned chuckle at Jaejoong’s attempt to cover himself up. “Your curled toes gave your pretense away.” His fingers were still lost, not minding if they’ll find their way back.
“Since last night.” Finding no point in carrying on his little act, especially when Yoochun could go all day at deciphering every sign, Jaejoong gave up the show.
“Spill.” Yoochun knew the older guy to well, so well that Jaejoong need not to utter a word for him to know that something was definitely up.
“I miss him.”
And all this time, Jaejoong had been pretending that everything was perfectly fine, that he wasn’t bothered if Yunho had found someone new, that he didn’t long for the sideway glance the leader had always thrown his way during interviews, that he didn’t yearn for the those slender fingers on his thigh, that he didn’t ache just to have Yunho back. And all of those, Yoochun was aware of. “Go shower, I’ll take you somewhere.”
The lead singer obediently did as he was told; knowing that his band mate was doing him a favor, although he couldn’t place a finger on it just yet.
---
“What time is it?”
“Don’t bother yourself with the time, Han River missed you.” Yoochun reminded the blonde, his tone holding assurance. He wanted to give Jaejoong the privilege to relax, to feel no need for pretension.
It was fairly dark and the sun had yet to rise. It gave Jaejoong the guarantee that no one was there to watch, to judge, to mingle with what he felt and who he was. For once, after quite some time, he could be himself. He had molded himself into a person who was essential for DBSK to remain at top of the weekly countdowns, search engines and on the cover of top selling magazines. And on top of those, he didn’t want to commit any mistake that would burden the leader. And the pretense was wearing him out, if not slowly killing him.
The lead singer sat on the grass before lying completely on the ground. Staring at the still starry sky, he was reminded of why he was unable to sleep every night. It was unbelievably hard to accept that he no longer held Yunho’s undivided attention and it was sickening to the point that he couldn’t even begin to accept that they were rally over. Who was he fooling when he said all he could do was to move on? He could only chuckle at the insanely impossible thought, and he let the cold morning breeze embrace and soothe his washed-out soul.
Jaejoong knew it was too stupid of him to hope that being himself would make him happier, when the real him only wanted to scream and cry at Yunho’s feet. The blonde couldn’t remember being this lost, clueless and scared of what the future held for him. Because from where he was standing now, the so called future didn’t sound as inviting as it used to be when Yunho promised him forever and a day. He couldn’t remember feeling so empty, where his hands got nothing to hold on to; no promises, no nothing. He couldn’t remember being so deprived of Yunho, of his scent, of his smile, of his touch and of his kisses. All he could remember was the sting his heart felt before it had shattered into pieces and fell mercilessly around his feet, looking so impossible for him to sew back together. But how could he not remember? The pain had always been glued to him since the break up. It was like his very own shadow, only, it could reach him where his shadow can’t - in the dark.
And there Jaejoong was, back at square one with the thought of moving on pushed to the back of his mind just because a part of him, which was the majority, was reluctant to forget Yunho. “Chun.” Jaejoong called, his voice almost a whisper, when everything became too nauseating. His hands roamed at his sides in search of something that wouldn’t make him feel so alone, even just for a moment; his pride silently telling him not to admit he was lonesome.
“I’m here.” Yoochun went to his best friend’s aid, grasping the blonde’s hand before letting it go almost immediately so he could take the older guy’s head in his hands. He then rested Jaejoong’s head on his lap with utmost care. His movements were so sure and fluid, as if they were planned beforehand. “Do you trust me?”
The question came out of the blue, but Jaejoong could use some distraction. In fact, it was what he needed to stray away from the thoughts that held him by his neck. “I do.” There was no room for hesitation simply because Yoochun and trust were synonymous to the blonde. “You didn’t have to ask, you know I do.”
Playing with the silky blonde locks, Yoochun went on. “Will you listen to me from here on out?” He knew he was asking for too much, but he just can’t stand watching his best friend as the lead singer fell in slow motion, not when he could run to save him.
Unlike the previous question, Jaejoong had to contemplate before he could give his answer. This time, it wasn’t a belt or a pair of shoe he was giving away and he couldn’t afford to make another mistake, although he knew Yoochun was the last person who would dare to hurt him. But what bothered the blonde was just like him, his friend was a human, entitled of a mistake or two. Then again, between the two of them, Jaejoong knew he was way more careless. Plus, at that point, he was no better than a lost child not knowing where to go, prone to the dangers that lurked around. He then realized, there was nothing better than to grab Yoochun’s offered hand; at least someone was there to guide his every step. “Yes, as long as you’re willing to put up with my stubbornness.”
“I’ve been dealing with it for as long as I could remember. It won’t hurt putting up with it a little longer, would it?” Yoochun chuckled, aware of the weight he had lifted off of the lead singer’s shoulders.
“Thank you.” Jaejoong got up in a sitting position and lunged himself towards Yoochun for a hug. “Thank you so much.”
“You don’t have to. Just listen to me and that’s enough.” Yoochun wrapped an arm around his friend, soothing his back in an up and down motion.
“What do you want me to do?” The lead singer pulled away, albeit reluctantly.
“Be yourself. And no, not you’re depressed-because-I’m-heart-broken self.”
“I don’t understand.”
“You do understand, you just can’t remember who you were.” Yoochun held the singer’s hands, wanting every single word to get to Jaejoong. “The Jaejoong I know was carefree. He doesn’t care what people say just as long as he could sing the way he wants to. He was a guy who laughs and cries just because he can. He used to make everyone happy just because he was there.”
“I seemed so happy back then.” The lead singer looked down and played with his best friend’s fingers.
“Because you were, and everyone loved you for that.”
“And I sounded so egocentric.” Jaejoong bit his lip in shame, a light shade of pink surfacing his cheeks.
Yoochun didn’t hold his laughter. “Because you were. And I kinda missed that side of you. So if you don’t mind, I’d want to get that person back.”
“Do what you please.”
---
It had been half past five and the sun was barely up when the soul mates had made it back to their apartment. Yoochun immediately had put the lead singer to bed for a well deserved sleep before collapsing beside him since Jaejoong refused to sleep alone. Their next schedule was at 11 so the raven didn’t retaliate further.
After a couple of hours, Yoochun stirred from his sleep, narrowing his eyes as the morning light smiled at him. His gaze then fell on the lead singer who was sleeping so peacefully. Yoochun had not seen the older guy so serene for a long time so he thought he’d rather not disturb him. He maneuvered out of the bed with the slightest of movements not to wake the older guy up before marching out of their shared room.
“It’s surprising to see you not hogging the game controller.” Yoochun teased as he passed by a seemingly busy Junsu by the couch, reading. The older decided it wouldn’t hurt to take a seat, so he did.
“I don’t think they’d appreciate my squeaks.”
Knowing exactly who the juvenile guy was pertaining to, he gave the boy’s head a good pat. “That’s considerate of you, thanks.”
Junsu could only give his hyung a frown. “Why are you thanking me?”
“Just accept the gratitude.” Yoochun patted the boy’s head and stood up to leave, slightly relieved that the guy didn’t take it worse than Changmin had. If Junsu did, he would have taken the matter to his hands right then and there, just so not to pile another headache atop Jaejoong’s already piled up head. But so far, Jaejoong have yet to break down or anything and the raven-head didn’t know whether to be thankful or worried. “But, I’m pretty sure they would appreciate some life around here. Go ahead and play.”
---
For the second time in a week, Yunho found himself sitting at the couch just because he felt the need to. Jaejoong and Yoochun, again, didn’t go straight home after the filming of Come to Play. He was worried that the occasional soul mate’s night out was becoming a ritual and as a leader, he couldn’t and shouldn’t tolerate such careless act. What if something went out of hand when the two were out late at night? It wouldn’t only affect the band but he feared what could happen to his treasured friends. Yes, Yoochun and Jaejoong were old enough but despite that, no one can really tell what the night might bring.
As he sat there alone, he couldn’t help but recall the day’s activities and how different Jaejoong seemed to be. He didn’t know if it was just him or did the lead singer seem cheerful? He played in his mind how Jaejoong’s hand had once again found its way towards his mouth to suppress a laugh, which Jaejoong seemed to have forgotten. But today, the blonde’s eyes actually lit up and the atmosphere in the whole studio brightened up, though Yunho bet Jaejoong himself was unaware of that. Even the host took notice of Jaejoong, saying that he could rely on the lead singer to lighten up the mood and fill it with laughter. And it was one of the things Yunho had dearly missed. Not just once did he think that the lead singer kept a handful of sunshine in his pockets and could brighten up his day with a swing of his hand. Moreover, Jaejoong even interacted with him normally, as if everything was okay and they hadn’t just broken up two days ago. As silly as it might sound, Yunho found himself grabbing every opportunity to talk to his ex-lover.
But how could he not? Yunho hardly saw Jaejoong. When they were at home, the blonde almost always isolated himself in the music or the bedroom with Yoochun. The leader could only assume if the blonde was only making excuses to avoid him or if Jaejoong would rather spend his precious time with his best friend. But whichever it was, it only came down to one conclusion - Yunho was out of the picture.
No, he wasn’t jealous of Yoochun, knowing that the soul mate’s considered each other as a brother; nothing more, nothing less. Besides, what’s there to be jealous about? Last time he checked, he no longer had the right to get jealous. But of course! He and Jaejoong were over.
However, what bothered him was the fact that he couldn’t get through to the lead singer. He didn’t know what ran on his mind, what was he thinking or how was he feeling. It was as if he was an outcast when back then, he knew Jaejoong like the back of his hand.
The longer the two were away, the deeper his worry got; that Yunho can conclude. An odd sensation was beginning to take place in the pit of his stomach. He should have been more responsible and warned his band mates beforehand. Yes, it might not be the first time this happened, but before, Jaejoong had always told him everything he needed to know. Unlike the situation at hand, Yunho had not a single clue where his lead singer could be, or if he was okay, or if he was having fun. Well, he could only wish Jaejoong was okay; and Yoochun, too.
A sound from the direction of the doorway cut Yunho’s thoughts short and his head instantly turned to the wall clock that read half past 11am. With a long sigh out of relief, he pulled himself together, got up and went to greet the new comers. He wasn’t planning on being rough on the two despite their careless acts, really, he didn’t mean to. “Do you know how late it is?” Try as he might, he couldn’t remember ever sounding that harsh. The words slithered between his teeth without his consent and the leader himself was astounded at his own words. But it was nothing compared to the shock the sight struck him with.
Jaejoong’s giggles were caught up in his throat, choked by Yunho’s presence, as he was still being piggy-backed by his friend. Embarrassment surfaced, causing the blonde singer to hide his face from the leader out of reflex; the very same reflex which told him that Yoochun’s neck was the safest place. Yunho was probably thinking that Jaejoong was being weird, silly, childish, and everything along those lines. Though sober, Jaejoong can’t completely claim that alcohol has no say in the situation they were in. No way will he jump on his dongsaeng’s back and pout his way to be carried to their apartment without alcohol’s help.
The sight irked Yunho, so very damn much. Not because of how comfortable the lead singer looked around, quite literally too, Yoochun. It was rather because of how the two were so carefree, so careless while he had sat there, alone, letting worry eat him. Obviously, the soul mates weren’t aware of how the leader had almost resorted to biting his nails while waiting for them to safely come home, all the while praying that no harm will come their way. He felt betrayed. “This is just plain irresponsible!” He added; six notes higher that what was normally considered calm.
“I’m s - ”
“I’m sorry.” Yoochun cut the blonde off. No way will he let Jaejoong succumb under Yunho’s supremacy this time. If someone had to go down, it would most definitely not the lead singer who obviously had had enough of the lows. It wouldn’t hurt sharing his best friend’s extra load now, would it. Besides, even if protecting Jaejoong would hurt him at the end of the day, he could careless. And no, he wasn’t siding with Jaejoong, not hundred percent at least. “Sorry for worrying you.” Determination was out of the question since once Yoochun made a decision, there was no turning back; he will protect Jaejoong in the best way he knew how.
Yunho didn’t know since when he had developed a soft spot for Yoochun. The next second, he found himself mumbling, “I don’t want this to happen again, go rest.” It might be the willpower that surrounded the younger one just now, though what caused such look on the other’s face was beyond him. It was as if Yoochun just cast a spell on him with one look and felt totally odd. Yoochun had always been obedient and mindful of others unlike his best friend who had a bit of egocentricity etched on his skin. Just then, he had to wonder, despite being poles apart personality-wise, why and how the two were so close, so close that it was almost unnerving, almost.
“Thank you.” Jaejoong finally had his say on the situation, only it was too late since Yoochun already started carrying him to their shared room. He wanted to apologize for his misbehavior but it was crystal clear that his best friend didn’t want him to do so. He dared not to ask, aware that Yoochun completely knew what he was doing. Thus, he just let himself be carried without any retaliation, no matter how begging for Yunho’s forgiveness sounded so tempting. Never had he seen Yunho so angry and never had he dreamed of seeing his ex-lover so mad. Long ago, so long that his memory had failed him, he had decided and told himself that Yunho and rage didn’t sit well together and he didn’t want to see any trace of it on the leader’s features. Since what happened had already happened, he could see no point in going over it again and again, unless he had a time machine, which of course, he had not. “Chunnie-yah~” He buried his head onto the younger one’s neck once again.
The sudden childishness in the blonde’s tone caught Yoochun off guard. “Hmm?” But he wasn’t complaining, not even close. He positioned himself so the lead singer could set his feet on the ground.
“Thank you.” Jaejoong chastely kissed the raven’s cheek before unlatching himself from the guy.
“You’re always welcome.” Yoochun smiled and replied, ruffling the older one’s hair. It made him wonder since when did they switch positions in their hyung-dongsaeng relationship.
---
No, Jaejoong wouldn’t dare to lie to himself this time. He ought to admit he had wanted to cry, cry out loud for goodness’ sake! But he can’t, not because he was holding himself because a voice from nowhere told him so. It just won’t happen, simple as that. Although he wanted to let everything out, thinking that crying would be the best solution, the tears won’t just come out.
Thus, the blonde opted to watch a movie. If he couldn’t cry over his own misery, at least he could cry over a movie. Alone, at the wee of hours, he sat on the couch, hugging a pillow to himself, his hold getting tighter as the end drew near, signaling the success of his plan. Tears were now streaming down his face and he couldn’t be bothered just to wipe them.
Soon enough, he had lost the meaning of his tears along with his control. He just cried; and cried; and cried some more until he had to catch his breath in between the muffled sobs while the movie kept on rolling, ignored by its lone viewer. He no longer had the will to stop himself from doing what he should have done long ago. He just realized how bottled up he had been lately, shutting everyone, anyone out who dared come close to his genuine emotions. He had to admit, he had been hiding his aches all along even to his best friend.
Aches caused by the loss of a person he held closest to his heart; so close it was almost him he was breathing in with every intake of air. He missed the scent of that person’s scent filling his nostrils. He missed that person’s tender hand on his thighs. He missed that person’s fingers laced with his own. He missed that exciting, almost nauseating , atmosphere whenever that person was around. He missed the kisses that that person had always showered him with on his toes, his knees, his tummy, his chest, his hands, his elbows, his shoulders, his neck, his nose, his ears, his cheeks, his chin, his forehead, his hair, and most of all, his lips. Every part of him missed every inch of Yunho, that person whom had given him everything but left him with nothing except the nauseas every 2am.
“Jae?”
To the blonde’s horror, it was the voice that had been haunting him in his wake while it plagued him in his dreams. Adrenaline rushed through his veins as he was drowned in his own loud heart beats. Of all the people who could catch him on his lowest, most vulnerable and unguarded state where there was no room, no door for any escape, why should it be Yunho? Why, why, why, why? They were the only words that surfaced his mind, spinning in circles, running back and forth, bumping to each other side by side. Someone must have damned him; that had to be it.
“That movie again?” Yunho chuckled, unaware of the other’s misery; thinking that the blonde was crying over his favorite movie - A Walk to Remember. It had been etched in Yunho’s memory how unfathomable was the movie to Jaejoong and he understood why. The movie was good, okay, but the blonde’s obsession was too much for him to handle.
Having the feeling that fate had been toying him around, he decided it was best to play along, as if he had another option. “Are you making fun of me?” He wiped his tears with the back of his hands before throwing the leader a hurt look that came with a pout.
“I’m not!” Yunho raised his arms like a suspect caught red handed in a middle of a crime. “Don’t get to defensive. I was just amused at how this movie had made you cry for the 17th time.”
“Have you been counting?” Jaejoong once again lost track of himself. A minute or so, he was getting all worked up about his loss. But now, there he was, having a conversation with that person like nothing had happened, like nothing had changed, like the way they used to talk senselessly.
“Of course.” Yunho got no reply other than a sniff. “Can I sit here?”
There was no way Jaejoong could deny the request, especially when every patch of his skin screams for Yunho’s presence at the shortest proximity as possible. The blonde simply move to the side from his previous position at the middle of the couch for two.
“I’m sorry.” The leader spoke, his voice husky and low out of shame. “I shouldn’t have yelled at you earlier.”
“Oh.” Jaejoong’s mind went absent for a moment, thanks to Yunho’s heart throbbing company. The lead singer had to collect his words and pull himself together just to come up with a coherent reply. “It’s okay. I understand.” He really did. It was practically his fault. He had insisted for another five more minutes in the bar. The five turned thirty and it went on and on.
“You always do.” Yunho muttered without giving it much thought.
“Huh?” Jaejoong had to give the leader a sideward glance just to make sure he heard him right. If so, his tone demanded for an explanation.
“You’ve been so understanding and thoughtful every second of the day.” Yunho was certain about those facts but what he was unsure of was if he really had to say it. It was an observation he had kept to himself before he could remember and it bothered him to some point. “Aren’t you tired of thinking about other people before you think of yourself?”
Out of confusion, Jaejoong turned to his side to look Yunho in the eyes, only to find the simple action excruciating. The leader’s presence, accompanied by his serious tone and those eyes that ware sucking him in scared him. He had a feeling that should he stare in those orbs longer, the deeper he’ll be sucked in to a place he wasn’t sure existed. “What are you saying?” The blonde inquired, blinking before looking away.
If Yunho wasn’t mistaken, but most probably he was, he saw fear in Jaejoong’s eyes. Then again, it was Jaejoong concerned so one can never complain that what you see is what you get because the blonde was an enigma himself. It was ironic how those beautiful, well-shaped, crystal-like eyes were big yet there wasn’t even a small opening to get through the guy. It was as if there was this transparent barrier that had forbidden him to see what Jaejoong was hiding within; that barrier that made the blonde’s eyes all the more captivating. Oblivious to it, Yunho officially lost himself in Jaejoong’s stare. Thankfully, the lead singer’s equally captivating voice snapped him out of his trance and he realized he was having a cold feet. He had to force a massive amount of sense into his brain just to comprehend the blonde’s question. “Don’t be too selfless.”
If Jaejoong wasn’t sane enough, he’d surely believe he heard Yoochun just now. He could remember his best friend saying the exact same words the day he broke up with the leader. He lifelessly chuckled before saying. “Yoochun told me the same thing.”
“Which just means you ought to listen.”
“But everyone used to complain about my selfishness back then.” The lead singer recalled, almost whining.
“I’m taking it back. And I apologize in behalf of everyone.” Capturing the blonde’s hands in between his own grew to be a temptation as he set his eyes on the target. But he didn’t, knowing that he couldn’t, he shouldn’t. Jaejoong had a soft pair of hands, not the softest he had ever touched; but unlike any other, Jaejoong held sunshine in his hands.
“Aish. You guys are confusing me.” The lead singer grunted and spoke with a playful tone. Jaejoong astounded even himself when there wasn’t any trace of depression that he had been painting his lips every single day. But he wasn’t faking it and in fact, the side he was showing now felt so natural. After who knew how long, he actually felt good. Maybe, just maybe, Yunho was his pain reliever and he once again found hope that he could actually move on. “You have to make it up to me then.” He ordered.
“Only me? That’s not fair; the other’s need to be punished as well.” Yunho faked an unnecessary protest, albeit aware that Jaejoong will have his way in the end.
“I want to watch the movie again. And you’re watching it with me.” He picked up the remote control from the center table to play the movie from the very beginning.
“The title should be A Movie to Remember instead of A Walk to Remember, judging by how you have memorized their lines by now.” The leader teased, liking the atmosphere around them. There was no longer the gloomy, awkward aura that had been hanging by the curtains. It gave him the idea that they can go back to the way they were - happy and cozy.
Jaejoong intently stared at the TV, ignoring Yunho’s comment about his favorite movie. He had lost count of how many times he had seen this movie but could remember he had seen it with Yunho 15 times. It was the fourth time when he had his first kiss; the sixth when he was forced to gulp down Yunho’s sweet coffee; the eighth when they almost made love on the couch; ninth when they finally did made love on the couch. Without noticing, his eyes fluttered close as he replayed the memories.
Seeing that the lead singer had his eyes closed, Yunho took the opportunity to watch Jaejoong in his sleep. He felt the need to do so, thinking that staring at his ex-lover wouldn’t make him feel so outdated. There surely had been a gap not just after but before they had called it quits. He was oblivious to when and how they drifted apart but they did. He had lost possession of the best friend title when they came to an agreement to step their relationship up. Seeming that Yoochun seized the spot he had left, there was no place for him. He no longer knew where he stood; perhaps, he was now just a band mate.
He stared at Jaejoong, obliviously longingly, watching as the flicker for the TV illuminated the blonde’s skin, which countered the attack by reflecting the light cast upon him. Jaejoong just… shined, right before Yunho’s eyes. The light accentuated the lead singer’s nose that he had always enjoyed pinching every now and then.
Yunho didn’t know what he was getting at when he gently pulled Jaejoong to rest his literally sleepy head on his shoulder. The hand that cupped the other side of the lead singer’s cheek was a wee bit reluctant to let go, although Jaejoong was already perfectly settled.
Adrenaline rushed all over Jaejoong as the touch of Yunho’s warm hand burned him. He had been unconscious about his surroundings for the past few minutes, unsure when he had fallen asleep or if he even did. The next thing he knew, he was leaning against the leader. He had not the strength to pull away and definitely had not enough will to push Yunho away. Thus, he opted to fake the sleep. He needn’t had to pretend for long though; he eventually got so comfortable that sleep claimed him like Yunho’s hand did.
“I miss you.” The leader muttered before busying himself listening to the lead singer’s rhythmic breathes. For an hour or so, they remained like that. Not a single second did Yunho ever get tired of the scent of Jaejoong’s shampoo.
“Chun-ah, thank you.” Jaejoong mumbled in his sleep and Yunho’s heart sank to its downfall with grace next to none.
---
A/N: I disappeared for quite a while. I hope some of you still remember me. ^u^
---
What met Yoochun’s eyes the very moment he pried them open was sunshine, not in a form of light but rather messed up blonde locks and a body curled-up to a ball by his side. The lead vocalist was definitely awake, the younger raven concluded. “How long have you been there?” He wasn’t bothered by the fact that he might disturb the older guy’s very much deserved sleep, knowing full well what he was dealing with.
“Mmh~” Was the only reply Jaejoong mustered.
“I know you’re awake.” The raven brought an arm above the messy head so his fingers could get lost into the light strands.
“Still sleepy.” The lead singer mumbled once again.
Yoochun let out a mid-toned chuckle at Jaejoong’s attempt to cover himself up. “Your curled toes gave your pretense away.” His fingers were still lost, not minding if they’ll find their way back.
“Since last night.” Finding no point in carrying on his little act, especially when Yoochun could go all day at deciphering every sign, Jaejoong gave up the show.
“Spill.” Yoochun knew the older guy to well, so well that Jaejoong need not to utter a word for him to know that something was definitely up.
“I miss him.”
And all this time, Jaejoong had been pretending that everything was perfectly fine, that he wasn’t bothered if Yunho had found someone new, that he didn’t long for the sideway glance the leader had always thrown his way during interviews, that he didn’t yearn for the those slender fingers on his thigh, that he didn’t ache just to have Yunho back. And all of those, Yoochun was aware of. “Go shower, I’ll take you somewhere.”
The lead singer obediently did as he was told; knowing that his band mate was doing him a favor, although he couldn’t place a finger on it just yet.
---
“What time is it?”
“Don’t bother yourself with the time, Han River missed you.” Yoochun reminded the blonde, his tone holding assurance. He wanted to give Jaejoong the privilege to relax, to feel no need for pretension.
It was fairly dark and the sun had yet to rise. It gave Jaejoong the guarantee that no one was there to watch, to judge, to mingle with what he felt and who he was. For once, after quite some time, he could be himself. He had molded himself into a person who was essential for DBSK to remain at top of the weekly countdowns, search engines and on the cover of top selling magazines. And on top of those, he didn’t want to commit any mistake that would burden the leader. And the pretense was wearing him out, if not slowly killing him.
The lead singer sat on the grass before lying completely on the ground. Staring at the still starry sky, he was reminded of why he was unable to sleep every night. It was unbelievably hard to accept that he no longer held Yunho’s undivided attention and it was sickening to the point that he couldn’t even begin to accept that they were rally over. Who was he fooling when he said all he could do was to move on? He could only chuckle at the insanely impossible thought, and he let the cold morning breeze embrace and soothe his washed-out soul.
Jaejoong knew it was too stupid of him to hope that being himself would make him happier, when the real him only wanted to scream and cry at Yunho’s feet. The blonde couldn’t remember being this lost, clueless and scared of what the future held for him. Because from where he was standing now, the so called future didn’t sound as inviting as it used to be when Yunho promised him forever and a day. He couldn’t remember feeling so empty, where his hands got nothing to hold on to; no promises, no nothing. He couldn’t remember being so deprived of Yunho, of his scent, of his smile, of his touch and of his kisses. All he could remember was the sting his heart felt before it had shattered into pieces and fell mercilessly around his feet, looking so impossible for him to sew back together. But how could he not remember? The pain had always been glued to him since the break up. It was like his very own shadow, only, it could reach him where his shadow can’t - in the dark.
And there Jaejoong was, back at square one with the thought of moving on pushed to the back of his mind just because a part of him, which was the majority, was reluctant to forget Yunho. “Chun.” Jaejoong called, his voice almost a whisper, when everything became too nauseating. His hands roamed at his sides in search of something that wouldn’t make him feel so alone, even just for a moment; his pride silently telling him not to admit he was lonesome.
“I’m here.” Yoochun went to his best friend’s aid, grasping the blonde’s hand before letting it go almost immediately so he could take the older guy’s head in his hands. He then rested Jaejoong’s head on his lap with utmost care. His movements were so sure and fluid, as if they were planned beforehand. “Do you trust me?”
The question came out of the blue, but Jaejoong could use some distraction. In fact, it was what he needed to stray away from the thoughts that held him by his neck. “I do.” There was no room for hesitation simply because Yoochun and trust were synonymous to the blonde. “You didn’t have to ask, you know I do.”
Playing with the silky blonde locks, Yoochun went on. “Will you listen to me from here on out?” He knew he was asking for too much, but he just can’t stand watching his best friend as the lead singer fell in slow motion, not when he could run to save him.
Unlike the previous question, Jaejoong had to contemplate before he could give his answer. This time, it wasn’t a belt or a pair of shoe he was giving away and he couldn’t afford to make another mistake, although he knew Yoochun was the last person who would dare to hurt him. But what bothered the blonde was just like him, his friend was a human, entitled of a mistake or two. Then again, between the two of them, Jaejoong knew he was way more careless. Plus, at that point, he was no better than a lost child not knowing where to go, prone to the dangers that lurked around. He then realized, there was nothing better than to grab Yoochun’s offered hand; at least someone was there to guide his every step. “Yes, as long as you’re willing to put up with my stubbornness.”
“I’ve been dealing with it for as long as I could remember. It won’t hurt putting up with it a little longer, would it?” Yoochun chuckled, aware of the weight he had lifted off of the lead singer’s shoulders.
“Thank you.” Jaejoong got up in a sitting position and lunged himself towards Yoochun for a hug. “Thank you so much.”
“You don’t have to. Just listen to me and that’s enough.” Yoochun wrapped an arm around his friend, soothing his back in an up and down motion.
“What do you want me to do?” The lead singer pulled away, albeit reluctantly.
“Be yourself. And no, not you’re depressed-because-I’m-heart-broken self.”
“I don’t understand.”
“You do understand, you just can’t remember who you were.” Yoochun held the singer’s hands, wanting every single word to get to Jaejoong. “The Jaejoong I know was carefree. He doesn’t care what people say just as long as he could sing the way he wants to. He was a guy who laughs and cries just because he can. He used to make everyone happy just because he was there.”
“I seemed so happy back then.” The lead singer looked down and played with his best friend’s fingers.
“Because you were, and everyone loved you for that.”
“And I sounded so egocentric.” Jaejoong bit his lip in shame, a light shade of pink surfacing his cheeks.
Yoochun didn’t hold his laughter. “Because you were. And I kinda missed that side of you. So if you don’t mind, I’d want to get that person back.”
“Do what you please.”
---
It had been half past five and the sun was barely up when the soul mates had made it back to their apartment. Yoochun immediately had put the lead singer to bed for a well deserved sleep before collapsing beside him since Jaejoong refused to sleep alone. Their next schedule was at 11 so the raven didn’t retaliate further.
After a couple of hours, Yoochun stirred from his sleep, narrowing his eyes as the morning light smiled at him. His gaze then fell on the lead singer who was sleeping so peacefully. Yoochun had not seen the older guy so serene for a long time so he thought he’d rather not disturb him. He maneuvered out of the bed with the slightest of movements not to wake the older guy up before marching out of their shared room.
“It’s surprising to see you not hogging the game controller.” Yoochun teased as he passed by a seemingly busy Junsu by the couch, reading. The older decided it wouldn’t hurt to take a seat, so he did.
“I don’t think they’d appreciate my squeaks.”
Knowing exactly who the juvenile guy was pertaining to, he gave the boy’s head a good pat. “That’s considerate of you, thanks.”
Junsu could only give his hyung a frown. “Why are you thanking me?”
“Just accept the gratitude.” Yoochun patted the boy’s head and stood up to leave, slightly relieved that the guy didn’t take it worse than Changmin had. If Junsu did, he would have taken the matter to his hands right then and there, just so not to pile another headache atop Jaejoong’s already piled up head. But so far, Jaejoong have yet to break down or anything and the raven-head didn’t know whether to be thankful or worried. “But, I’m pretty sure they would appreciate some life around here. Go ahead and play.”
---
For the second time in a week, Yunho found himself sitting at the couch just because he felt the need to. Jaejoong and Yoochun, again, didn’t go straight home after the filming of Come to Play. He was worried that the occasional soul mate’s night out was becoming a ritual and as a leader, he couldn’t and shouldn’t tolerate such careless act. What if something went out of hand when the two were out late at night? It wouldn’t only affect the band but he feared what could happen to his treasured friends. Yes, Yoochun and Jaejoong were old enough but despite that, no one can really tell what the night might bring.
As he sat there alone, he couldn’t help but recall the day’s activities and how different Jaejoong seemed to be. He didn’t know if it was just him or did the lead singer seem cheerful? He played in his mind how Jaejoong’s hand had once again found its way towards his mouth to suppress a laugh, which Jaejoong seemed to have forgotten. But today, the blonde’s eyes actually lit up and the atmosphere in the whole studio brightened up, though Yunho bet Jaejoong himself was unaware of that. Even the host took notice of Jaejoong, saying that he could rely on the lead singer to lighten up the mood and fill it with laughter. And it was one of the things Yunho had dearly missed. Not just once did he think that the lead singer kept a handful of sunshine in his pockets and could brighten up his day with a swing of his hand. Moreover, Jaejoong even interacted with him normally, as if everything was okay and they hadn’t just broken up two days ago. As silly as it might sound, Yunho found himself grabbing every opportunity to talk to his ex-lover.
But how could he not? Yunho hardly saw Jaejoong. When they were at home, the blonde almost always isolated himself in the music or the bedroom with Yoochun. The leader could only assume if the blonde was only making excuses to avoid him or if Jaejoong would rather spend his precious time with his best friend. But whichever it was, it only came down to one conclusion - Yunho was out of the picture.
No, he wasn’t jealous of Yoochun, knowing that the soul mate’s considered each other as a brother; nothing more, nothing less. Besides, what’s there to be jealous about? Last time he checked, he no longer had the right to get jealous. But of course! He and Jaejoong were over.
However, what bothered him was the fact that he couldn’t get through to the lead singer. He didn’t know what ran on his mind, what was he thinking or how was he feeling. It was as if he was an outcast when back then, he knew Jaejoong like the back of his hand.
The longer the two were away, the deeper his worry got; that Yunho can conclude. An odd sensation was beginning to take place in the pit of his stomach. He should have been more responsible and warned his band mates beforehand. Yes, it might not be the first time this happened, but before, Jaejoong had always told him everything he needed to know. Unlike the situation at hand, Yunho had not a single clue where his lead singer could be, or if he was okay, or if he was having fun. Well, he could only wish Jaejoong was okay; and Yoochun, too.
A sound from the direction of the doorway cut Yunho’s thoughts short and his head instantly turned to the wall clock that read half past 11am. With a long sigh out of relief, he pulled himself together, got up and went to greet the new comers. He wasn’t planning on being rough on the two despite their careless acts, really, he didn’t mean to. “Do you know how late it is?” Try as he might, he couldn’t remember ever sounding that harsh. The words slithered between his teeth without his consent and the leader himself was astounded at his own words. But it was nothing compared to the shock the sight struck him with.
Jaejoong’s giggles were caught up in his throat, choked by Yunho’s presence, as he was still being piggy-backed by his friend. Embarrassment surfaced, causing the blonde singer to hide his face from the leader out of reflex; the very same reflex which told him that Yoochun’s neck was the safest place. Yunho was probably thinking that Jaejoong was being weird, silly, childish, and everything along those lines. Though sober, Jaejoong can’t completely claim that alcohol has no say in the situation they were in. No way will he jump on his dongsaeng’s back and pout his way to be carried to their apartment without alcohol’s help.
The sight irked Yunho, so very damn much. Not because of how comfortable the lead singer looked around, quite literally too, Yoochun. It was rather because of how the two were so carefree, so careless while he had sat there, alone, letting worry eat him. Obviously, the soul mates weren’t aware of how the leader had almost resorted to biting his nails while waiting for them to safely come home, all the while praying that no harm will come their way. He felt betrayed. “This is just plain irresponsible!” He added; six notes higher that what was normally considered calm.
“I’m s - ”
“I’m sorry.” Yoochun cut the blonde off. No way will he let Jaejoong succumb under Yunho’s supremacy this time. If someone had to go down, it would most definitely not the lead singer who obviously had had enough of the lows. It wouldn’t hurt sharing his best friend’s extra load now, would it. Besides, even if protecting Jaejoong would hurt him at the end of the day, he could careless. And no, he wasn’t siding with Jaejoong, not hundred percent at least. “Sorry for worrying you.” Determination was out of the question since once Yoochun made a decision, there was no turning back; he will protect Jaejoong in the best way he knew how.
Yunho didn’t know since when he had developed a soft spot for Yoochun. The next second, he found himself mumbling, “I don’t want this to happen again, go rest.” It might be the willpower that surrounded the younger one just now, though what caused such look on the other’s face was beyond him. It was as if Yoochun just cast a spell on him with one look and felt totally odd. Yoochun had always been obedient and mindful of others unlike his best friend who had a bit of egocentricity etched on his skin. Just then, he had to wonder, despite being poles apart personality-wise, why and how the two were so close, so close that it was almost unnerving, almost.
“Thank you.” Jaejoong finally had his say on the situation, only it was too late since Yoochun already started carrying him to their shared room. He wanted to apologize for his misbehavior but it was crystal clear that his best friend didn’t want him to do so. He dared not to ask, aware that Yoochun completely knew what he was doing. Thus, he just let himself be carried without any retaliation, no matter how begging for Yunho’s forgiveness sounded so tempting. Never had he seen Yunho so angry and never had he dreamed of seeing his ex-lover so mad. Long ago, so long that his memory had failed him, he had decided and told himself that Yunho and rage didn’t sit well together and he didn’t want to see any trace of it on the leader’s features. Since what happened had already happened, he could see no point in going over it again and again, unless he had a time machine, which of course, he had not. “Chunnie-yah~” He buried his head onto the younger one’s neck once again.
The sudden childishness in the blonde’s tone caught Yoochun off guard. “Hmm?” But he wasn’t complaining, not even close. He positioned himself so the lead singer could set his feet on the ground.
“Thank you.” Jaejoong chastely kissed the raven’s cheek before unlatching himself from the guy.
“You’re always welcome.” Yoochun smiled and replied, ruffling the older one’s hair. It made him wonder since when did they switch positions in their hyung-dongsaeng relationship.
---
No, Jaejoong wouldn’t dare to lie to himself this time. He ought to admit he had wanted to cry, cry out loud for goodness’ sake! But he can’t, not because he was holding himself because a voice from nowhere told him so. It just won’t happen, simple as that. Although he wanted to let everything out, thinking that crying would be the best solution, the tears won’t just come out.
Thus, the blonde opted to watch a movie. If he couldn’t cry over his own misery, at least he could cry over a movie. Alone, at the wee of hours, he sat on the couch, hugging a pillow to himself, his hold getting tighter as the end drew near, signaling the success of his plan. Tears were now streaming down his face and he couldn’t be bothered just to wipe them.
Soon enough, he had lost the meaning of his tears along with his control. He just cried; and cried; and cried some more until he had to catch his breath in between the muffled sobs while the movie kept on rolling, ignored by its lone viewer. He no longer had the will to stop himself from doing what he should have done long ago. He just realized how bottled up he had been lately, shutting everyone, anyone out who dared come close to his genuine emotions. He had to admit, he had been hiding his aches all along even to his best friend.
Aches caused by the loss of a person he held closest to his heart; so close it was almost him he was breathing in with every intake of air. He missed the scent of that person’s scent filling his nostrils. He missed that person’s tender hand on his thighs. He missed that person’s fingers laced with his own. He missed that exciting, almost nauseating , atmosphere whenever that person was around. He missed the kisses that that person had always showered him with on his toes, his knees, his tummy, his chest, his hands, his elbows, his shoulders, his neck, his nose, his ears, his cheeks, his chin, his forehead, his hair, and most of all, his lips. Every part of him missed every inch of Yunho, that person whom had given him everything but left him with nothing except the nauseas every 2am.
“Jae?”
To the blonde’s horror, it was the voice that had been haunting him in his wake while it plagued him in his dreams. Adrenaline rushed through his veins as he was drowned in his own loud heart beats. Of all the people who could catch him on his lowest, most vulnerable and unguarded state where there was no room, no door for any escape, why should it be Yunho? Why, why, why, why? They were the only words that surfaced his mind, spinning in circles, running back and forth, bumping to each other side by side. Someone must have damned him; that had to be it.
“That movie again?” Yunho chuckled, unaware of the other’s misery; thinking that the blonde was crying over his favorite movie - A Walk to Remember. It had been etched in Yunho’s memory how unfathomable was the movie to Jaejoong and he understood why. The movie was good, okay, but the blonde’s obsession was too much for him to handle.
Having the feeling that fate had been toying him around, he decided it was best to play along, as if he had another option. “Are you making fun of me?” He wiped his tears with the back of his hands before throwing the leader a hurt look that came with a pout.
“I’m not!” Yunho raised his arms like a suspect caught red handed in a middle of a crime. “Don’t get to defensive. I was just amused at how this movie had made you cry for the 17th time.”
“Have you been counting?” Jaejoong once again lost track of himself. A minute or so, he was getting all worked up about his loss. But now, there he was, having a conversation with that person like nothing had happened, like nothing had changed, like the way they used to talk senselessly.
“Of course.” Yunho got no reply other than a sniff. “Can I sit here?”
There was no way Jaejoong could deny the request, especially when every patch of his skin screams for Yunho’s presence at the shortest proximity as possible. The blonde simply move to the side from his previous position at the middle of the couch for two.
“I’m sorry.” The leader spoke, his voice husky and low out of shame. “I shouldn’t have yelled at you earlier.”
“Oh.” Jaejoong’s mind went absent for a moment, thanks to Yunho’s heart throbbing company. The lead singer had to collect his words and pull himself together just to come up with a coherent reply. “It’s okay. I understand.” He really did. It was practically his fault. He had insisted for another five more minutes in the bar. The five turned thirty and it went on and on.
“You always do.” Yunho muttered without giving it much thought.
“Huh?” Jaejoong had to give the leader a sideward glance just to make sure he heard him right. If so, his tone demanded for an explanation.
“You’ve been so understanding and thoughtful every second of the day.” Yunho was certain about those facts but what he was unsure of was if he really had to say it. It was an observation he had kept to himself before he could remember and it bothered him to some point. “Aren’t you tired of thinking about other people before you think of yourself?”
Out of confusion, Jaejoong turned to his side to look Yunho in the eyes, only to find the simple action excruciating. The leader’s presence, accompanied by his serious tone and those eyes that ware sucking him in scared him. He had a feeling that should he stare in those orbs longer, the deeper he’ll be sucked in to a place he wasn’t sure existed. “What are you saying?” The blonde inquired, blinking before looking away.
If Yunho wasn’t mistaken, but most probably he was, he saw fear in Jaejoong’s eyes. Then again, it was Jaejoong concerned so one can never complain that what you see is what you get because the blonde was an enigma himself. It was ironic how those beautiful, well-shaped, crystal-like eyes were big yet there wasn’t even a small opening to get through the guy. It was as if there was this transparent barrier that had forbidden him to see what Jaejoong was hiding within; that barrier that made the blonde’s eyes all the more captivating. Oblivious to it, Yunho officially lost himself in Jaejoong’s stare. Thankfully, the lead singer’s equally captivating voice snapped him out of his trance and he realized he was having a cold feet. He had to force a massive amount of sense into his brain just to comprehend the blonde’s question. “Don’t be too selfless.”
If Jaejoong wasn’t sane enough, he’d surely believe he heard Yoochun just now. He could remember his best friend saying the exact same words the day he broke up with the leader. He lifelessly chuckled before saying. “Yoochun told me the same thing.”
“Which just means you ought to listen.”
“But everyone used to complain about my selfishness back then.” The lead singer recalled, almost whining.
“I’m taking it back. And I apologize in behalf of everyone.” Capturing the blonde’s hands in between his own grew to be a temptation as he set his eyes on the target. But he didn’t, knowing that he couldn’t, he shouldn’t. Jaejoong had a soft pair of hands, not the softest he had ever touched; but unlike any other, Jaejoong held sunshine in his hands.
“Aish. You guys are confusing me.” The lead singer grunted and spoke with a playful tone. Jaejoong astounded even himself when there wasn’t any trace of depression that he had been painting his lips every single day. But he wasn’t faking it and in fact, the side he was showing now felt so natural. After who knew how long, he actually felt good. Maybe, just maybe, Yunho was his pain reliever and he once again found hope that he could actually move on. “You have to make it up to me then.” He ordered.
“Only me? That’s not fair; the other’s need to be punished as well.” Yunho faked an unnecessary protest, albeit aware that Jaejoong will have his way in the end.
“I want to watch the movie again. And you’re watching it with me.” He picked up the remote control from the center table to play the movie from the very beginning.
“The title should be A Movie to Remember instead of A Walk to Remember, judging by how you have memorized their lines by now.” The leader teased, liking the atmosphere around them. There was no longer the gloomy, awkward aura that had been hanging by the curtains. It gave him the idea that they can go back to the way they were - happy and cozy.
Jaejoong intently stared at the TV, ignoring Yunho’s comment about his favorite movie. He had lost count of how many times he had seen this movie but could remember he had seen it with Yunho 15 times. It was the fourth time when he had his first kiss; the sixth when he was forced to gulp down Yunho’s sweet coffee; the eighth when they almost made love on the couch; ninth when they finally did made love on the couch. Without noticing, his eyes fluttered close as he replayed the memories.
Seeing that the lead singer had his eyes closed, Yunho took the opportunity to watch Jaejoong in his sleep. He felt the need to do so, thinking that staring at his ex-lover wouldn’t make him feel so outdated. There surely had been a gap not just after but before they had called it quits. He was oblivious to when and how they drifted apart but they did. He had lost possession of the best friend title when they came to an agreement to step their relationship up. Seeming that Yoochun seized the spot he had left, there was no place for him. He no longer knew where he stood; perhaps, he was now just a band mate.
He stared at Jaejoong, obliviously longingly, watching as the flicker for the TV illuminated the blonde’s skin, which countered the attack by reflecting the light cast upon him. Jaejoong just… shined, right before Yunho’s eyes. The light accentuated the lead singer’s nose that he had always enjoyed pinching every now and then.
Yunho didn’t know what he was getting at when he gently pulled Jaejoong to rest his literally sleepy head on his shoulder. The hand that cupped the other side of the lead singer’s cheek was a wee bit reluctant to let go, although Jaejoong was already perfectly settled.
Adrenaline rushed all over Jaejoong as the touch of Yunho’s warm hand burned him. He had been unconscious about his surroundings for the past few minutes, unsure when he had fallen asleep or if he even did. The next thing he knew, he was leaning against the leader. He had not the strength to pull away and definitely had not enough will to push Yunho away. Thus, he opted to fake the sleep. He needn’t had to pretend for long though; he eventually got so comfortable that sleep claimed him like Yunho’s hand did.
“I miss you.” The leader muttered before busying himself listening to the lead singer’s rhythmic breathes. For an hour or so, they remained like that. Not a single second did Yunho ever get tired of the scent of Jaejoong’s shampoo.
“Chun-ah, thank you.” Jaejoong mumbled in his sleep and Yunho’s heart sank to its downfall with grace next to none.
---
A/N: I disappeared for quite a while. I hope some of you still remember me. ^u^