hmmm....
so have you ever felt like you were missing out on something...like not to get all spiritual...but that you were s'posed to be doing something else...be somewhere else...be with someone else...have something else...think something else...or anything other than what you were doing right now...well thats exactlie how i feel...like my life right now is too good for me...i need to change a lot of things to be more human...have more problems...maybe its a growing up thing and ill realize it later but i think that i think to much...if that sounds possible...i keep thinking that i want to end something to start something new or to finish something old...therefore i painted my roooooooom...blue...of course it would be blue but now i still feel like SOMETHING is not right...i dont know what...sorry for those of you that are in my life right now and see a difference in me or something wrong...im SOOOO sorry if its messing with the way things are in your life...im thinking that im miss using joe...i just wanted something to change and then he asked me out and i was hoping that it would change me as a person...no...it has been awesomer than you could imagine...i just feel the guilt growing more and more...thinking that im using him and it pisses ME off....sorry joe...love you soooo much...but i dont know about a lot of things right now...just give me time to think...if i ever seem "ify" about anything let me know that you can tell...you dont know how much you mean to me and a few other people that im very close to...nate...im soooooo sorry about your problem with your gf and i wish there was something i could do...love you sooooo much...im sorry that im not there for you at this time like you would be for me...i feel useless and im not much help i know...love you tho...i have this feeling that i know what you feel like and you prolly dont believe me but i do...i just wish there was something, anything, i could do to help you feel better...love you...those are the two people that i can think of as of now...caitlin and nate...i think it is AWESOME that you two are talking again...that just makes life for me easier cuz i dont have to feel guilty about talking to one of you while the other is watching and wanting to say something....you dont understand how difficult that was...for me to know that two of my best friends were not talking...you two are AWESOME!!!! love you both...so then another thing...im feeling this guilt about up and leaving nate for joe...i know that now your like OMG not that still...yea well i feel it and i try to fix it be spending time with nate too and then i can tell that it doesnt make joe happy...i know you care joe...i know it doesnt make you mad or w/e but i know you dont like it that much...sorry...then theres amiee...love you and im sorry that we never hang out or talk anymore...ive known you since 4th grade and yet we never seem to find time and im not allowed to stay at your house till recently...we both know why...so...i think that if im forgetting something, or someone let me know...ill be sure to put you in here cuz it would make me even more mad if i fergot someone and they went w/o being mentioned...so i guess that if you need something...want something...or just want to talk give me a call...or IM me and we'll talk...so im sorry to all you people that i love and yet abuse or misstreat and i really hope to change that...in the near future realizing that it will take time...please forgive me in advance...LOVE YOU ALL!!!!