sleeping pills help words flow
My alcoholism problem has gotten to a point that bothers me. It's not the money (but, damn that helps); it's not the partying (I can do that sober if I have to); it's not the social-anxiety (I'm a dick to everyone anyway). It's gotten to the point where it feels like I missing something because of it. That's just too far. (if I can find them) I'm going to take mushrooms this coming weekend in an attempt to understand where I am with my life. It's been a long time on that. The zen-like sorting of my subconscious has been a while in reprise.
I started playing on a soccer team (indoor). I join the team next Wednesday. I don't know what time yet. I haven't met anyone on the team yet. I'm anxious. I'll probably drink before I show up. Hopefully they're good, accepting people and it goes over well.
I'm looking for suggestions toward a college goal that I can begin training for at NOVA next semester. I figure that after I get a few class in the bag... I'll be more prepared for whatever I decide to do next. Standard school, Sound school, peace corps, move overseas, or dick around here forever like a loser. Killing myself, albeit unappealing, is still making the list. Guess I'd better get something worthwhile going pretty soon eh? It's only possible to fake it for so long.
I still need to meet my half-sister. I've been putting it off for too long. I think the meeting, in my head, is very abrupt and personal. The goal is to learn as much as possible about my and her situations without making my situation sound bad. Not knowing her at all... that's a tough thing to prep for. I wouldn't want her to hate my family or anything. It's tougher than asking a girl out. They just look at you funny and say something like like, "No!" or "I'm calling security!" Which, of course, is MUCH easier to deal with. Honestly, saying to a girl, "Hi! I'm your half-brother! We met once but my parents lied about who you were. I want to invade your already royally-fucked life a little bit so that I can further discover my own! What are your favorite things?..." is a bit of a cheese-filled opener from an '80s movie that probably turns raunchy when it's really not necessary.
Meanwhile, I have my own bullshit dramas to deal with. Balancing a material world with an internalized world is a very tricky concept. I don't know how some people manage to do it so well.
I need to curb my drinking. Either that or I'll wind up more depressed than I've been in YEARS. Whatever. Fuck tomorrow anyway.
I started playing on a soccer team (indoor). I join the team next Wednesday. I don't know what time yet. I haven't met anyone on the team yet. I'm anxious. I'll probably drink before I show up. Hopefully they're good, accepting people and it goes over well.
I'm looking for suggestions toward a college goal that I can begin training for at NOVA next semester. I figure that after I get a few class in the bag... I'll be more prepared for whatever I decide to do next. Standard school, Sound school, peace corps, move overseas, or dick around here forever like a loser. Killing myself, albeit unappealing, is still making the list. Guess I'd better get something worthwhile going pretty soon eh? It's only possible to fake it for so long.
I still need to meet my half-sister. I've been putting it off for too long. I think the meeting, in my head, is very abrupt and personal. The goal is to learn as much as possible about my and her situations without making my situation sound bad. Not knowing her at all... that's a tough thing to prep for. I wouldn't want her to hate my family or anything. It's tougher than asking a girl out. They just look at you funny and say something like like, "No!" or "I'm calling security!" Which, of course, is MUCH easier to deal with. Honestly, saying to a girl, "Hi! I'm your half-brother! We met once but my parents lied about who you were. I want to invade your already royally-fucked life a little bit so that I can further discover my own! What are your favorite things?..." is a bit of a cheese-filled opener from an '80s movie that probably turns raunchy when it's really not necessary.
Meanwhile, I have my own bullshit dramas to deal with. Balancing a material world with an internalized world is a very tricky concept. I don't know how some people manage to do it so well.
I need to curb my drinking. Either that or I'll wind up more depressed than I've been in YEARS. Whatever. Fuck tomorrow anyway.