So What
"These are my thoughts written down on paper, its my only savior from not saying what I wanna say. These are the thoughts that are on my mind. Moments that haven't yet been defined and I don't know if you could ever understand. These are the things I can't say when we're alone." ~New Found Glory.
So What. So what if the Army seems to hate me. So what if I've got my Company Commander trying to bust me for underage drinking charges. So what if I just got a speeding ticket that goes to same Company Commander. So what if both of the aforementioned incidents will make my Platoon Sgt, probably my Squad Leader, and undoubtedly my Company Commander think I'm a total fuck-up. So what if all of the 61st Chemical Company, the 23rd Chemical Battalion, the 555th MEB, Ft. Lewis, hell, the United States Army thinks that PFC. Alex Toppari is a fuck-up. So what if I'll more than likely get all kinds of crap jobs for all this shit. If this is what I have to go through to ensure that I can marry Tabitha, than I'll go through it everyday for the next 20 years of my Army career. Sure, I'll complain, I'll piss and moan and bitch, and be convinced that the world hates me. I might even think that Tabitha would be better off with the 200 grand she'd get in life-insurance money, but only during the duty day. Cuz every night when I come home and I hear the woman I love say: "Hey honey, how was your day?" I'll think back to all the shit-shoveling, bull-shit jobs, busy work and trips to the CO's office and look into those beautiful blue-green eyes, smile and say: "It was just fine baby. I love you Tabitha."
OPEN UP
"This is the truth, the only time you'll hear it. I'll write it down because it seems so hard to say it." ~New Found Glory.
Why can't I open up to people? Why am I such a hypocrite? Asking Tabitha to tell me whats bothering her when I know in my heart I'd NEVER do the same. I need her so much. I need her more than I've ever needed anyone or anything... possibly more than I need air...
...and it scares me... I'm so terrified of being dependent on ANYONE or ANYTHING. because of all the time I've been let down. Every big thing in my life, every major stepping stone I've passed I've had to work for... alone. Sure, my parents were there for me, but they would only help so far. They wanted to raise me so I could take care of myself.I want to confide in Tabitha even though this Live Journal is the only thing I've confided in (besides celsey) in a long time. I want to tell her everything thats bothering me, but I can't, cuz the moment I try to speak I get tongue-tied, and chocked up and on the verge of crying that I end up telling only part of the problem than climbing back inside my shell and shutting myself out to the world again. Even now I know when she reads this I'm still not going to be able to come out and talk to her, and I hate it. I absolutely hate it because I love her and need her so much and I could never even begin to tell her and she deserves so much better. I don't know how I got so lucky to meet her... I lay awake wondering when the bottom is gonna fall out and I'm going to be alone again. Than I wake up the next morning, hear her voice and hear her say she loves me and all is better... until the next night. But I don't care anymore. The gods have given me this beautiful Angel of Mercy, the only thing that keeps me sane and gives me the strength and courage to keep going in spite of everything that's happening to me, and I'm not going to spend another second wondering why or how or what I've done to deserve it. I love you Tabitha Renee Bishop. (Soon-to-be Toppari)
So What. So what if the Army seems to hate me. So what if I've got my Company Commander trying to bust me for underage drinking charges. So what if I just got a speeding ticket that goes to same Company Commander. So what if both of the aforementioned incidents will make my Platoon Sgt, probably my Squad Leader, and undoubtedly my Company Commander think I'm a total fuck-up. So what if all of the 61st Chemical Company, the 23rd Chemical Battalion, the 555th MEB, Ft. Lewis, hell, the United States Army thinks that PFC. Alex Toppari is a fuck-up. So what if I'll more than likely get all kinds of crap jobs for all this shit. If this is what I have to go through to ensure that I can marry Tabitha, than I'll go through it everyday for the next 20 years of my Army career. Sure, I'll complain, I'll piss and moan and bitch, and be convinced that the world hates me. I might even think that Tabitha would be better off with the 200 grand she'd get in life-insurance money, but only during the duty day. Cuz every night when I come home and I hear the woman I love say: "Hey honey, how was your day?" I'll think back to all the shit-shoveling, bull-shit jobs, busy work and trips to the CO's office and look into those beautiful blue-green eyes, smile and say: "It was just fine baby. I love you Tabitha."
OPEN UP
"This is the truth, the only time you'll hear it. I'll write it down because it seems so hard to say it." ~New Found Glory.
Why can't I open up to people? Why am I such a hypocrite? Asking Tabitha to tell me whats bothering her when I know in my heart I'd NEVER do the same. I need her so much. I need her more than I've ever needed anyone or anything... possibly more than I need air...
...and it scares me... I'm so terrified of being dependent on ANYONE or ANYTHING. because of all the time I've been let down. Every big thing in my life, every major stepping stone I've passed I've had to work for... alone. Sure, my parents were there for me, but they would only help so far. They wanted to raise me so I could take care of myself.I want to confide in Tabitha even though this Live Journal is the only thing I've confided in (besides celsey) in a long time. I want to tell her everything thats bothering me, but I can't, cuz the moment I try to speak I get tongue-tied, and chocked up and on the verge of crying that I end up telling only part of the problem than climbing back inside my shell and shutting myself out to the world again. Even now I know when she reads this I'm still not going to be able to come out and talk to her, and I hate it. I absolutely hate it because I love her and need her so much and I could never even begin to tell her and she deserves so much better. I don't know how I got so lucky to meet her... I lay awake wondering when the bottom is gonna fall out and I'm going to be alone again. Than I wake up the next morning, hear her voice and hear her say she loves me and all is better... until the next night. But I don't care anymore. The gods have given me this beautiful Angel of Mercy, the only thing that keeps me sane and gives me the strength and courage to keep going in spite of everything that's happening to me, and I'm not going to spend another second wondering why or how or what I've done to deserve it. I love you Tabitha Renee Bishop. (Soon-to-be Toppari)