Yikes

[toploftical]

I’m not sure if I can make it work with my husband. I’ve been in therapy for about a year and have tried all kinds of brain hacks to deal with his immaturity, mood swings and unhealthy/destructive habits, but it feels like circling the same dull pond and we inevitably fall into the same problems. I would love to just feel relaxed and settled in the relationship, and have so far put down my lack of ability to do this to some abstract psychological trait of mine, born of an abandonment complex or personality disorder, but although those elements do exist inside me I also think that I’m dealing with a lot of ill behaviour from the outside. This is a stupid example, but illustrative nonetheless: D had a cold and has needed to stay very warm to combat this. Energy has been notoriously expensive lately, but he has insisted on keeping an external heater on day and night, despite the fact that this means our landlord (and friend) will likely have to pay an extortionate amount at the end of the month since he so kindly does not ask us to pay the energy bills. Doing this could potentially destabilise our living arrangement which is a very rare and fortunate one and it makes me angry that he would be so flippant about these consequences, but in response he just says it’s PREPOSTEROUS that we should go without proper heating (the flat only has one radiator…). Anyway, that’s a small thing now that I write it out inside of internally screaming it, but there is still the matter of his depressive disorder, which is greatly exacerbated by him being in a highly volatile business with little reward. When things go well in his work he is great, but when they go badly (which is 90% of the time), he’s absolutely impossible - moody, rude, immature - just a giant A-Hole basically. This is crap for both of us. For me because it’s boring and unkind, for him because he has to be miserable all of the damn time. But he is unable to find joy (or financial reward) in anything else other that his creative work and perhaps this is the bigger problem for me, as I try to be grateful and appreciate the little things - I love nature and good conversation and fun activities - anything really. Whereas all he does is complain and lame the world for his issues. He had a shitty childhood and a mother who both spoilt and controlled him which doesn’t help. Anyway, I’m struggling to find happiness and I don’t know if it comes down to something fundamental like not loving him enough, if it’s a problem with me, or if his role is significant enough to think of moving on. Doing so would obviously put me in a really compromised position RE having children, but being miserable most of my life isn’t great either, and if we did manage to conceive would it get worse? Potentially…probably. Anyway, had some clarity after a decent sleep and some phenergan so I thought I’d write out how I feel.
I had a dream I was followed by a dolphin who came up from the water for a cuddle. I like to think this is grandma as I very rarely dream of them and they were her favourite animal. I’d love another dream-visit from her, despite the last one being a bit disturbing. Can’t believe I’ve only seen her once!