Van Helsing (2004)
A year ago I might've been more forgiving to Van Helsing. A year ago I'd never watched an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer or Angel. A year ago I probably would not have been clockwatching halfway through this movie. Thank you Andy & Tony, for making me a better person.
Hugh Jackman stars as Van Helsing, expert monster hunter & the left hand of God. Put that on your business cards & see how much action you get. We first see Helsing attempting to capture Dr. Jekyl, or Mr. Hyde, whichever's bigger & more over-the-top. Judging by his attempts at capturing Hyde, I'd say he's less an expert than just a bumbling homicidal maniac. It never once looked like Helsing was trying to capture Hyde in the least. & now Hyde's dead.
Through some plot twist or another, Helsing ends up in Pennsylvania, sorry Transylvania hunting down the legendary Dracula. Here he meets the legendary Kate Beckinsale, er, Anna, who's not really legendary at all. & then they're both attacked by flying pseudo-vampiresses. In daylight. Let me repeat that: they were attacked by flying pseudo-vampiresses IN DAYLIGHT! If there's one thing everyone knows about vampires, it's that daylight FUCKING kills them!
After that horrid bit of cinema, well, I was pretty much out of it with anger. Every vampire mannerism that you can think of (thanks to watching Buffy) gets shit on by this movie. Really, there aren't many redeeming qualities that I can think of when it comes to Van Helsing.
Isn't the point of CGI supposed to be that you can't tell it's not real? Maybe in a big screen cinema you'd be fooled easier, but I don't recommend watching this movie on a high-def TV. Hell, I don't recommend watching this movie at all. They turn Frankenstein's monster into a simpering bitch, which goes along well with Helsing's horrible wise-ass of a sidekick. Speaking of ass, the best part about this movie is Kate Beckinsale, but not because of anything she does in the movie. Just because she's super-hot Kate Beckinsale, that's all.
Terrible, terrible movie. After checking out IMDB, I found out that I've never seen a Stephen Sommers-directed movie. Not one of the Mummy movies, nothing. I have seen Catch Me If You Can, but not Catch Me If You Can. Someone should send Sommers a few Buffy / Angel box sets so he can learn how to properly do a vampire movie. Just because a vampire can walk up walls all the time, doesn't mean he should. Show a little restraint. 1 outta 5, & you can thank Kate Beckinsale for that. & the awesome looking werewolves, but that's it.
Roger Ebert's review of Van Helsing (2004)
I have no idea what Ebert was smoking all summer. 3 outta 4 for Van Helsing? & he apparently liked Garfield? I shouldn't say anything though, 'cause I haven't seen it yet.